Misery

I wish I had the ability to care for the rest of the human race. I really do. Sometimes I realized how hollow I am toward the fate of my fellow homosapiens, and I get just a little sad.



On the flip-side however, I have the ability to take joy in other people's misery. Now, I'm not talking about anything hardcore, just the little things. Oh, the little miseries taste so sweet. Let's see, um...



1. I enjoy the sight of an elderly woman(preferably over 65) falling on ice with a bag of groceries. Is that wrong? How could it be when it feels sooo right?



2. When someone locks their keys in their car, I always want to dance on their hood until the locksmith gets their. It's just a splendid piece of self-fucked misery.



3. Watching some half-mongoloid on the local news saying,"I don't know how we're gonna get it all back," while their soda-can-on-wheels of a house, floats away(it might even have a #3 or #8 sticker in one of the windows). I just can't respect someone who lives in something with Michelins underneath. I guess that's just snobbery. Git-R-Done!



4. I enjoy watching the bottom fall out of my neighbor's trash bag, only four feet from the trash can on the curb. He needs a new robe, and probably shouldn't eat so many cans of Chef Boyardee. Plus, it's funny(like the old lady).



5. There's a pleasure in watching a car get pulled over only a few moments after it passes you on the highway. Kind of makes you feel superior in your "how far over the speed limit can I go?" guesstimation skills. Plus, anyone who passes you should be pulled over, right?



Little miseries are everywhere from elderly people breaking a hip, to the cashier about to bash your head in for grabbing the one can of soup that won't scan. There's also things that just aren't funny. They just cross the line.



1. Any kind of injury or mishap that occurs to the penis, testicles, or any part of the holy nether-regions. This is just not cool, my friends. The pee-pee is a soft and fragile reproductive unit, with it's own delicate ecosystem. Don't go there, ladies! Keep your size 6 clogs firmly planted on the floor, and you won't get shot in the face with a flare gun.



2. Dwarves dying in movies. I always cry when the dwarf dies. He was trying SOO hard! Poor little guy. A tear runs down my cheek when they wrap him up in a blanket, place his body in the ladies' hat box and push him down stream. Just moves me, is all.



4. Deaf people making that weird chewbacca sound when they try to speak. Well, yeah, I guess that IS funny!



5. Dat Phan, Carrot Top, Bob Saget, Rosie O'Donnell, Ellen Degeneres, Sue Murphy, Dave Coulier, and several other stand-up comedians. They just suck. I think they get so good at being bad they fall into that "so bad it's good" category, but to me they just SUCK! I don't give a fuck that your mother has a korean accent, bitch! Also, I think prop comedy is a gateway to satanism!



So, misery is good for a laugh. Especially when you're miserable yourself. Fuck the world, I say. I'm the one who deserves a candy cane and a blowjob, not those assholes! I suppose my views could be considered crazy.