Stories from the vault: Time travel

Blackouts... or as Dave Attell, likes to say,"Time Travel". They occur when you drink much more alcohol than you needed to drink in one sitting. I'm sure the fact I've blacked-out isn't a surprise after reading about "projectile vomit", but it's a part of my eclectic background of self-destruction.

Three times, That's all. That's the number of times I've blacked-out(or at least the number of times, I've been told). Each incident is completely different, and took place at least a year a part from each other. None of them were much fun... well, maybe the last one was a little fun.

Blackout #1:
This incident took place at Leslie's house, and also involved Colt 45 Double Malt liquor 40s(I was going through a gutter-lifestyle phase, is my only explanation). I drank three of the aforementioned beverages in about, oh... 40 minutes. I had been sitting in a chair, in the corner the entire night drinking. After drinking the nasty-ass 40s, however, I needed to bow to the "porcelain god". Now, I remember standing up. I remember going in the bathroom. I even remember sitting on the toilet, vomiting on the floor, passing out for about an hour with the door locked, and waking up to the sound of people telling me to open the door. After finally reaching up and unlocking the knob, I came out moaning like the undead(which I kinda was), and crawling on all fours. Embarrassing? Kind of. Typical? Yes.

I also, remember someone coming in the front door as I was crawling passed it and damned-near knocking me out(everyone loved telling that part of the story the next day). But, what I don't recall is the speech I gave. Apparently, before walking into the bathroom to half-explode and fall on the floor, I told all those in attendance how we all need to "get along, man" and "just chill out, man" because "we're all here to have a good time, man". Pathetic, huh?

Everyone, I was told, just stared at me since they were all stoned and not talking, let alone fighting, in the first place! I wish I had the moment on film so I could see myself preaching.

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Blackout#2:
This moment was kind of scary to me. It's the only time I've done something while I was drunk and wished I hadn't. Matt, Freddy, Tony L.(not Tony R. from my previous post), and myself went out to the campgrounds(all these stories are from Western Maryland, by the way). We had a roaring good time! Drugs, Booze, Music, Fighting, vomiting, etc.

The next morning, when I crawled out of my tent with the taste of beer and cigarettes in my mouth, I notice something in our bonfire. When I got up close to it, I realized it was melted plastic, all over the wood. I asked Freddy what had happened, and he said,"Someone threw all the plastic bags in the fire,". I looked at him kind of puzzled and asked him,"What bags?". He pointed to a broken park lock box on a post which read PLEASE TAKE A BAG TO TAKE YOUR TRASH WITH YOU. The box had a small lock on the side, but the door had been ripped off it's hindges. That's when I asked,"What asshole would do something like that!?". Freddy spoke as soon as I stopped, and stated,"You did! We yelled for you to stop, but you wouldn't listen. You threw them all in, man,". Again, pathetic.

Now, I don't mind passing out at someone's house or blacking-out and saying something dumb, but burning things is a little ridiculous and scary to me. Plus, I was wasted! I could've staggered and fell in, and burned my stupid ass pretty good.

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Blackout#3:
This one is pretty lame, but also pretty harmless. I got drunk on gin and juice(because no one else would drink the gin, so I had a bottle to myself), and peach shnappes(because it's like liquid candy, I don't give a f*ck as long as it will give me a buzz). I remember I was there with Matt, Freddy, and two girls I can't recall having human names. The girls were not diggin' the peach shnappes. As one girl put it,"Get away! You smell like a f*ckin' peach!" I couldn't argue that point.

Later that night I would puke all over some chid's room(we were at Matt's Sister's house while she was out of town), and have my friends roll me over, so I wouldn't die. The next day consisted of McDonald's hamburgers and slow healing. I was told however, that I had done something the night before that I couldn't recollect. It seems that the girls were drunk and acting wild. They decided to go out in the middle of the street(the main street in town) and take a piss in the middle of the road. And who was standing right next to them in the middle of the street watching closely? Yeah, this loser! Apparently, me and the girls were on the same page, where as my friends Matt and Freddy thought better of it.(This story also reminds me off a story where we were at a field party and a girl said she had to piss. Her friend said piss right here, we're in a field. The girl said OK, and squatted, and pissed. She just happened to forget to pull her pants down. She pissed herself!)

Three stories of sorriness! Enjoy. Believe me, I have more.

The taser: Police brutality's new weapon of choice!

I love these kind of news stories! Old ladies getting the ol' shock treatment! I'm not really surprised since Cops can't punch people in the head anymore(the sad times we live in). Maybe someday we'll return to a world of people getting choked with a nightstick, instead of these rather frightening taser incidents.



Although, I do have to say the 6-year-old in the linked story below, was asking for it.

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Taser Used on Woman in S.C. Nursing Home

Saturday, January 29, 200



ROCK HILL, S.C. — A police officer used a stun gun on a 75-year-old woman who became distraught when she could not locate a sick friend at a nursing home, according to an internal report.



Officer Hattie Jean Macon (search) received a verbal warning and was required to attend a Taser (search) retraining course after the investigation found she acted prematurely when she used the 50,000-volt Taser, according to the report released Thursday.



Macon was called to the nursing home after Margaret Kimbrell (search) refused to leave. Kimbrell has said she was distraught after the staff would not disclose the location of her sick friend, and she became concerned the friend had died.



Kimbrell jerked away from the officer and swung her arm at Macon, according to a police report. The officer then fired the Taser, police said.



Kimbrell, who has claimed she did not swing her arms or threaten Macon, was charged with trespassing and resisting arrest. Her lawyer has said she will plead not guilty and may sue the department.

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More fantastic taser-ings!

Second Child Shocked By Police Taser Gun

Police Use Taser On 6-Year-Old

I sold out!

Haloscan commenting and trackback have been added to this blog.

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I have to admit American Warmonger was right. I like Haloscan. I just wasn't going to admit it at the time. If for some reason you wanted to read the old comments posted through Blogger, just click on the timestamp of the posts, and they'll come back up.

Misery

I wish I had the ability to care for the rest of the human race. I really do. Sometimes I realized how hollow I am toward the fate of my fellow homosapiens, and I get just a little sad.



On the flip-side however, I have the ability to take joy in other people's misery. Now, I'm not talking about anything hardcore, just the little things. Oh, the little miseries taste so sweet. Let's see, um...



1. I enjoy the sight of an elderly woman(preferably over 65) falling on ice with a bag of groceries. Is that wrong? How could it be when it feels sooo right?



2. When someone locks their keys in their car, I always want to dance on their hood until the locksmith gets their. It's just a splendid piece of self-fucked misery.



3. Watching some half-mongoloid on the local news saying,"I don't know how we're gonna get it all back," while their soda-can-on-wheels of a house, floats away(it might even have a #3 or #8 sticker in one of the windows). I just can't respect someone who lives in something with Michelins underneath. I guess that's just snobbery. Git-R-Done!



4. I enjoy watching the bottom fall out of my neighbor's trash bag, only four feet from the trash can on the curb. He needs a new robe, and probably shouldn't eat so many cans of Chef Boyardee. Plus, it's funny(like the old lady).



5. There's a pleasure in watching a car get pulled over only a few moments after it passes you on the highway. Kind of makes you feel superior in your "how far over the speed limit can I go?" guesstimation skills. Plus, anyone who passes you should be pulled over, right?



Little miseries are everywhere from elderly people breaking a hip, to the cashier about to bash your head in for grabbing the one can of soup that won't scan. There's also things that just aren't funny. They just cross the line.



1. Any kind of injury or mishap that occurs to the penis, testicles, or any part of the holy nether-regions. This is just not cool, my friends. The pee-pee is a soft and fragile reproductive unit, with it's own delicate ecosystem. Don't go there, ladies! Keep your size 6 clogs firmly planted on the floor, and you won't get shot in the face with a flare gun.



2. Dwarves dying in movies. I always cry when the dwarf dies. He was trying SOO hard! Poor little guy. A tear runs down my cheek when they wrap him up in a blanket, place his body in the ladies' hat box and push him down stream. Just moves me, is all.



4. Deaf people making that weird chewbacca sound when they try to speak. Well, yeah, I guess that IS funny!



5. Dat Phan, Carrot Top, Bob Saget, Rosie O'Donnell, Ellen Degeneres, Sue Murphy, Dave Coulier, and several other stand-up comedians. They just suck. I think they get so good at being bad they fall into that "so bad it's good" category, but to me they just SUCK! I don't give a fuck that your mother has a korean accent, bitch! Also, I think prop comedy is a gateway to satanism!



So, misery is good for a laugh. Especially when you're miserable yourself. Fuck the world, I say. I'm the one who deserves a candy cane and a blowjob, not those assholes! I suppose my views could be considered crazy.

Stories from the vault: Leslie's animal house

First, let me start off by saying that these incidents you're about to read, are from a completely different time in my life, and no longer reflect my more sociable and civilized personality. That goes for just about all my "from the vault" posts.

It's been a while since I've had a cold beer. I drink on occasion, but not very often these days. I think during Wrestlemania XX was the last time I got really drunk. But even then, I think I only had about 13 beers. A few years ago, however, I had a totally different relationship with alcoholic beverages.

It wasn't uncommon to walk into a party and see me vomiting on something, or someone. Some people, even alcoholics, claim to have never vomited. I on the other hand, would NEVER try to make such a claim. In fact, I would say I was an accomplished "projectile vomiter". I remember one incident involving two days of vodka, orange juice, and the Pizza Hut lunch buffet. While in the parking lot, I believe I reached the 13' mark easily. As for vomiting on property, I think I was also more experienced than any of my friends in that field, as well. Probably the worst item I destroyed belonged to a girl, Leslie.

I was not feeling very well, after drinking three Colt 45 double malt 40s, when I decided to use the bathroom. When I tried to get in the bathroom I found it to be occupied by Leslie, the girl who rented the apartment. I banged on the door, and gracefully explained my situation. She said I had to wait until she finished doing her hair. Well, after about five minutes I couldn't wait any longer, so when I lied my head down on the pile of clean white clothes(all her white clothes, I came to find out) on the floor. Well, my stomach decided it was time to get rid of the 40s in my body, and my face erupted like a geyser. It was as if someone opened up a fire hydrant, and I vomited all over her whites. She was pissed. I told that was what she got for not letting me in the bathroom, and laughed.

Leslie's house was the site of many nights of excess. Mainly because Leslie was a skanky bitch, and she didn't mind when we would punch holes in her walls, and we didn't mind putting them there. Her house got trashed pretty bad one Saturday morning in particular. Our alcoholic friend, Jeremy, had passed out the night before, and we decided to have some fun with him.

Jeremy used to blackout and pass out hard. The night before, the bastard drank most of my rum, and passed out on the couch. To Jeremy's misfortune, Tony happened to be there. Tony was a skinny punk with glasses who liked to huff propane and gasoline, and talked big, and tried to act big. On this morning, Tony saw a chance to act cool and f*ck with Jeremy. His first move was running a pair of electric clippers up the back of Jeremy's head(Jeremy didn't even begin to wake up). After that, he decided to get artistic. He rubbed shaving cream all over Jeremy's face, stuck a heavy flow maxi-pad to his forehead, and then sprinkled Fruity Pebbles on his head for just the right amount of color and texture. After all this Jeremy still didn't seem to be on the verge of waking up. We were impatient, we wanted to see his reaction. That's when Tony stepped in again.

Everyone expected Jeremy to flip out when he woke up, so everyone(except for me) got into the bedroom, and stuck their heads out the door to see his rising. Tony yelled out,"Hey, motherf*cker!" at the top of his lungs. Jeremy didn't move. So, Tony picked up a 3 lb. platform shoe and threw it from across the room. It sounded like the crack of a baseball bat, as it bounced off the side of Jeremy's skull. Some of his Fruity Pebbles fell off from the impact. Slowly he started to awaken. As he rose to his feet, the bedroom door slammed shut. Jeremy felt his face and started going apesh*t. "What the f*ck?! Who the f*ck did this?! Was it you, motherf*cker?!" he shouted in my direction. "Hell no, man! They're all in there!" I knew I would look guilty locking myself in the bedroom with them, which is why I declined the offer to get in. Jeremy was still clutching the empty rum bottle in his right hand, and the maxi-pad was still on his head. He threw a punch into the wall and caved in the drywall about 5 inches. He did that about three more times before kicking the bedroom door off it's hindges. "Motherf*ckers!" was all that came out of his mouth, when he got into the bedroom, and the curtain was blowing out the window. They all ran away like little bitches. It was pretty damned funny while it was happening.

A few days later Jeremy caught up with Tony. When I saw Tony he was missing some hair on the back of his head. It seems he was given the offer of taking an ass-kicking or also getting his hair cut. He chose the second option.

Sounds kind of strange now, but that was a typical day with my friends back then. Which is probably why I had such a dismal junior year in high school.

Leslie's house was a crazy place for a while, but so was Joel's house(that's another story). I stopped hanging out at Leslie's after a while. Shortly before I quit going there, she had a funny thing happen to her.

She was sitting in her house with some of the guys from the high school football team, huffing propane. They used to go to Lowe's and buy the small camping-size Coleman tanks of propane, get a Tootsie Pop, and use it to push in the top of the tank to huff propane."My lips are numb," was a common expression during these inhalation sessions(which I never took part in). Well, as Leslie and the boys are getting zombie-fied, she's sitting Indian-style on her floor by the coffee table, huffing away. It's hard to say without giggling, but the "rocket scientists" had candles burning on the table(yeah, you see it coming, don't you?). She leaned too closed to one of the candles while she was huffing, and the fuel coming out right under her mouth, ignited. The bottle turned into a giant blow torch, and her entire head became engulfed in flames.

She started screaming for someone to help her, and put the flames out. She was surrounded by a bunch of completely stoned fools, so they did the first thing they thought of. They stomped on her f*ckin' head to put out the fire! And it worked. They completely extinguished the fire by trampling her melon on the floor. The next time I saw her, her face was pink and she had no eyebrows. Her bangs were also singed off. I think I laughed for about a year everytime I saw her after that.

I have a few other stories about Leslie's but they fall into a few other categories, as well. I'll have to remeber to tell those ones too.

UKD 01/28/05

The Comic Strip "Ugly Kids Daycare" by Norrin Radd



















01/28/05

Stories from the vault: The state trooper and friends

(I thought I might get some moments out of my head before I forget them, or so I can begin forgetting them)


This following story took place in La Vale, Maryland. Some time between '97 and '99(due to my substance abuse at the time, '96 to '00 are kind of a big blur timeline-wise).

First let me lay out the main players in this production.

Freddy: One of my best friends since my freshman year of high school. Weight lifter, classic rock and rap music fiend. All-around laidback guy.

Matt: Also one of my best friends since about junior year of high school. Went to the rival high school across town. Baseball player, wanna-be playa, and Mr. backwards-baseball-cap guy. Casual stoner. Only one of us motivated enough to get a driver's license at 16.

Me: The silent one. The art club/show member, straight C student. Slept everyday during Algebra class. Knew people from every group but mostly the "burnouts". Usually the only one with money, and the one that kept Matt talking to Freddy, and vice versa.

The setting was a cool fall night, and we were cruising the highway outside La Vale. We had gone to Bob's Billiards and shot some pool, and talked with some of the other guys from school(Bob's Billiards was the hot hang-out spot since there really wasn't anywhere else to go in the small town of Cumberland). After getting our asses beat by Freddy in a few games of pool, as we usually did, we left Bob's and started driving back towards town.

At the time, Matt drove a '92 Pontiac Grand Prix. To be honest, it kind of sucked. Mostly, because we were so rough on it(cigarette burns were endless). Whenever Matt and Freddy would get pissed off at each other, somehow the car always became a point of argument. Freddy would say something about Matt never buying any of the drugs, and also expecting us to give him gas money all the time. Matt would tell Freddy he could walk home. Then Freddy would say something like,"I only hang out with you because you have a f*ckin' car, anyway,"

Matt hated that line. To be truthful, Freddy wasn't really lying. Matt would piss us off by saying stupid things to girls(there's too many examples), or by ditching us for some other people. Freddy would only forgive him because he needed a ride somewhere, and Matt had a car. I thought their arguments were pretty damned stupid, and never got involved(except for the one time I prank called Matt on Freddy's behalf, leaving a message at his parents' house saying he owed me money for some drugs he stole from me).

So, as I was saying, we were cruising along in Matt's Pontiac, floating in space staring up at the stars and listening to The Geto Boys(we played The Resurrection constantly). We had just smoked the last bowl and were all silently listening to the stereo. Just about five minutes after the last round, red and blue lights come through the rear window. It was a Maryland State Trooper.

Matt gets a wide-eyed look all of a sudden. He turns to me and Freddy, asking,"I wasn't speeding... I wasn't speeding... Was I?!"

He could have been speeding. I don't think any of us were looking at the speedometer. We were too busy gazing at the moon. It was a good question, but neither Freddy, nor myself, were prepared to answer it for Matt.

Freddy was silent, but sat upright and stiff as a robot. I was also silent, but for some reason I wasn't really worried(I think I was delusional).

We pulled off the road and onto the shoulder. As we sat there for about five minutes(that took ten minutes to go by), Matt continued to ask us his new favorite question, and Freddy finally spoke. At that moment he uttered the stupidest thing I think I had heard up to that point. "I'm gonna drop the pipe out the window,"

"No, you're not!", I said as forceful as I could(which wasn't very forceful after a dub-sack)"Keep it where you have it. If you toss it, we're all gonna get busted,"

Just then, a flashlight was pointed directly in the backseat and into my face. I squinted and turned my head slightly. My eyes were as red as stop signs(my eyes stay red for hours after I've come down, but at this moment I was still in space). He then asked Matt for his license and registration, and walked back to his cruiser without giving us a clue about what was going on. When he stuck his head in the window he must of smelled something because he sniffed in the air real hard, and then turned away.

I remember during this time, I kind of woke up and saw one of those newspapers spinning toward the screen like some old detective movie, with the headline "Local Teenagers Busted!" and our three pathetic mugshots underneath. I think my paranoia was just kicking in(my most common side-effect). I think Matt and Freddy were already sweating the situation. I knew Matt was because he had pulled his baseball cap off and was rubbing his head. It was a sure sign he was nervous since that hat was basically glued to his head like some human cartoon character.

Then, the state trooper returned, lean into the window, and said to Matt,"I'm giving you a warning ticket, your taglight is out. Ok, you guys... have a good night."

I couldn't believe it. I couldn't believe the guy didn't smell the marijuana in the car(we could). I couldn't believe he didn't notice my bloodshot eyes, or the two sweaty guys in the front seats. And to think we would have actually gone to jail if one of us hadn't said what he was going to do, before he actually did it.

The ride home was weird. The trooper was a complete buzz-kill. We were all kind of in shock, and no one really spoke on the ride back.

Of course, we did the same thing the next weekend! But the State Trooper was still on our minds for a while. Matt got his taglight fixed and got into the habit of checking all his lights whenever we went out.

I'm not sure why I chose this story to tell first. I have much better ones, but for some reason this one came to mind tonight.

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Cheech and Chong's Dave RealAudio

Junk mail from Jesus

I get junk mail like everyone else. Credit card offers, coupons, sweepstakes stuff, etc. I've come to accept that my name is on a list somewhere, and a midget with a helmet and an eye-patch stuffs an envelope with my name on it. Sometimes, however, the junk mail is in it's own category of weird, or scary, or weird and scary.



My wife gets most of the junk mail because she's the one with an actual credit history. Plus she's a Christian, so she gets things from religious groups, on top of the usual shit.



Getting to the mail I'm specifically referring to, I got this in the mail:



(click on pictures to enlarge weirdness)






And it came with this letter of equal weirdness:



(click to enlarge weirdness)






On top of this already weird piece of mail comes the so-called "prayer rug", which is actually just a paper poster with Jesus' face on the front, and a message on the opposite side. The message reads, "This Prayer Rug is soaked with the Power of Prayer for you. Use it immediately, then please return it with your Prayer Needs Checked on our letter to you. It must be mailed to a second home that needs a blessing after you use it. Prayer works. Expect God's blessing."



But this is the best part! On the side with Jesus' face there is a message at the bottom of the "Prayer Rug". It states, "Look into Jesus' Eyes you will see they are closed. But as you continue to look you will see His eyes opening and looking back into your eyes. Then go and be alone and kneel on this Rug of Faith or touch it to both knees. Then please check your needs on our letter to you. Please return this Prayer Rug. Do not keep it." IT'S A FUCKIN' MAGIC EYE POSTER!!!



The same stuff is spread all over the envelope, too. Don't get me wrong, I like Jesus. We play on the company softball team together. Some people might not believe me, but I am actually a Christian(I should probably pray for my blogging activities). I don't think this looks good for a church to send out. It's really weird, and fucked up. It makes God look like Ed MacMahon on Publisher's Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.



And don't worry, I'm not keeping the Jesus Magic Eye Poster Prayer Rug.



Am I wrong about this stuff? Should I upload the prayer rug for your veiwing pleasure? Should I use it?

Marc Summers: can he be any cooler?

Marc Summers is the man






I was watching The Food Network earlier today, and got sucked into an episode of Unwrapped with Marc Summers. I like Marc. He's been cool to me ever since I was kid, and he was the host of the Nickelodeon game show Double Dare. Watching kids and parents do the messiest, and most ridiculous stunts for something like $500, was excellent children's television. His rare appearances on Wild n Crazy Kids were also good television. Then there was What Would You Do? where Marc would get kids and parents to do stupider stunts for lamer prizes(the pie coaster was cool).






Alas, What Would You Do? was the end of the Marc Summers/Nickelodeon era. Marc wasn't around for a while after that. I remember in the between time I saw him on Oprah talking about his battle with extreme Obsessive Compulsive disorder(he said he would actually get up at three in the morning and comb the fringe on the rug with a comb to make it perfect). Kind of sad time, not having Marc around.



But then Marc Summers returned with Unwrapped. I like how they show the history of soda, and doughnuts, and all kinds of junk food. And you couldn't find a more caucasian gentleman with just the right amount of class and dork. Marc kicks ass! I hope he's on television for a long time to come.



Long live Marc Summers!

A poem: rotten to the core

I am an apple, I am a loner,

The peach is a whore, she fucked the banana,

What's his secret?



I wish I was the banana, sadly I am the apple,

He walked into the carrot's house after he left for work,

My last girlfriend was a raisin, she didn't put out



I don't look bad for an apple, I'm red,

My best friend is a tomato and gets laid all the time,

I'm at least as good as a tomato



I am the apple, I am a model airplane builder,

The onion told me I was a fuckin'loser,

Fuck that fat bitch, she stinks anyway

All rise for the honorable Judge Thompson

I saw this story on smokinggun.com and thought it was interesting. I've heard of people doing weird things, but masturbating while overseeing a trial sounds kind of crazy. I'm sure Judge's get bored and doodle on legal pads. Maybe they even daydream about doing other things. I'm just not sure using a penis pump falls into that same category.



It kind of makes me wonder what other guys got going on under their benches. You're giving testimony, the Judge has an odd look on his face as he nods at you to continue, he lets out a muffled moan as the snow-globe paper weight hangs from his genital piercing. "Five minute recess!"

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Judge Gets Popped "Pump"

Charge former Oklahoma jurist with exposing self on bench








JANUARY 21--The Oklahoma judge who was forced from the bench last year for using a penis pump in court (among other really gross acts) was charged yesterday with indecent exposure for his judicial indiscretions. Donald Thompson, 58, entered a not guilty plea yesterday to three felony counts during an appearance in Creek County District Court, where he worked until resigning last August. According to the below yucky probable cause affidavit, Thompson exposed himself during three separate 2003 cases (two of which were murder trials). For example, on May 13, while he was presiding over State v. Kurt Arnold Vomberg (who was accused of killing his girlfriend's 21-month-old daughter), Thompson loudly pumped himself up. Two court employees told investigators that they saw Thompson (pictured in the mug shot at above) attach the suction device to his penis, while five jurors reported hearing whooshing sounds, which they thought were coming from either a bicycle pump, blood pressure cuff, or an air cushion on the judge's chair. After a January 7 search of Thompson's former courtroom and chambers yielded items that tested positive for seminal fluid, investigators secured a search warrant to obtain a DNA sample from the ex-jurist. During testimony last year before the Council on Judicial Complaints, Thompson denied masturbating on the bench, using the penis pump, or depositing urine or semen into a wastebasket under his bench. Thompson's demise was triggered by a complaint filed against him last June by the Oklahoma Attorney General, who sought to oust the jurist for a variety of illicit behavior, which the AG detailed in a removal petition. Along with using the penis pump, Thompson also allegedly shaved and oiled his private parts, according to accounts given to state investigators by a clerk, trial witnesses, and a court reporter. If convicted of the indecent exposure counts, Thompson could face a maximum of 10 years in prison on each charge. (7 pages)

The end of lates fees, huh?

News flash: Blockbuster is full of shit!




Some news flash, right? I rented a movie at Blockbuster video about a week ago. Since then they've started the whole "End of Late Fees" campaign. You can probably see where this is going, but wait.



I know how places like Blockbuster work, so I took the tape(the DVD was gone) back on time because I knew there was gonna be a catch. When I got up to the door at Blockbuster, they had a letter taped to the door that said "IMPORTANT PLEASE READ". Apparently, late fees are not going anywhere in my neighborhood. It explained how the individual stores were owned by franchisees, and that this owner wasn't having any of this new communist system! So, now I have the pleasure of renting at the "McDonald's of film distribution" AND watching some lame-ass commercial every five minutes saying "Iiiittt's Oooovvveer!!!" and it's NOT over.



The letter went on to say that they would "watch how the trend goes" and may bring the new policy to the location in the future. In other words, they're saying,"while brain dead fuck-tards of all shapes and sizes get to keep their movies a day or two longer, you won't because this is most likely only going to last a short while and we wouldn't want to do something you might benefit from". I realize it's not going to be a great success for Blockbuster. But I wanted to do my part to help it fail! Don't you think I could keep a copy of Harold and Kumar for six weeks, and then come into the store and make a scene in front of people about the sale to my account?!



So, like several other bloggers have said, "FUCK YOU BLOCKBUSTER!".



And I still want my free rental this month.

A poem: drive-thru

(alternate title: the bitch at McDonald's who fucks up my order every single time)



You're a disease,

Failure lives in your haircut,

You're a cancer of the soul,

Stay out of my visual receptors



Rinse, lather, repeat,

You still suck!,

I want to give your face an abortion



I said I didn't want pickles on that,

I can't hear you through the fucking clown head,

You're a cancer of the soul,

Stay out of my visual receptors



Rinse, lather, repeat,

Straighten that paper hat, you sloppy bitch,

WHERE... IS... MY... FUCKING... STRAW?!?!



Did you steal the change I put in the little Ronald McDonald house?,

Your mullett is a work of art,

You're a cancer of the soul,

Stay out of my visual receptors



Rinse, lather, repeat,

Quit talkin' to the gay black guy at the fry-o-lator!,

FIX... THE... FUCKING... SHAKE... MACHINE!!!!



When I smell french fries, I smell minimum wage,

Is that the name of your perfume?,

You're a cancer of the soul,

Stay out of my visual receptors



Rinse, lather, repeat,

That dolphin on your ankle is now a whale, nice orthopedic shoes,

What's it like... WORKING FOR A TEENAGER AT 45?!?!



I'd like to beat you to death with one of Ronald's hard rubber clown shoes,

Your smile looks like a mouthful of toe nail clippings,

You're a cancer of the soul,

Stay out of my visual receptors

R. Budd Dwyer

"Get back... this could hurt someone." - R. Budd Dwyer






What a sadly uneventful week so far. Even the news feels like reruns! And television is in it's usual funk(I don't want to see I Love The 90s: Part Deux- Special Edition!).



I got so bored surfing the web, that I decided to go looking for some R. Budd Dwyer video. Back in my High School days we used to skip school, drink underage, use recreational drugs, and rent shock videos. That's when I first met R. Budd Dwyer. He was a PA State Treasurer who was convicted of taking bribes, and instead of going to prison, Budd decided to blow his head off at a Press Conference. Thanks Traces Of Death video, for making me and my friends say,"Fuck, man!" through a cloud of marijuana smoke. I wasn't the only one who did that, am I?



Hopefully the weekend will pick up. Until then, I'm gonna go to Ci Ci's and enjoy the pizza buffet.

---

Download one of the many versions of R. Budd Dwyer's graphic last moments

Simon Cowell speaks some truth

It seems that Simon Cowell doesn't care much for Beyonce Knowles. I don't care much for her either(actually I hate her lack of talent, and care-free existence). I'm just a little surprised that he only mentions Beyonce. There are SOOO many singers of sub-par standards(J-Lo, Britney Spears, being examples) out there right now.



Defending Ashlee Simpson just seems weird to me, on the other hand. Let the bitch burn at the stake! She earned it when she fucked up, and tried to sell-out her band. Plus, nepotism is so rampant right now, that I hope to see more celebrity siblings get their chance to be crucified in the court of public opinion(Britney Spear's little sister might be ready to crash and burn in a few years when she gets a little older).



But I hope more run-of-the-mill performers get called out for being so damned successful, and so damned ordinary.

---

Simon Cowell: Beyonce Not Bootylicious

Wednesday, January 19, 2005

NEW YORK - One of music's harshest critics doesn't think Beyonce (search) is so bootylicious.





Simon Cowell (search), a judge on Fox television's "American Idol," has some choice words about the 23-year-old singer.



"I find the whole Beyonce thing really mystifying," Cowell says in Esquire magazine, on newsstands Friday. "She's not sexy, she hasn't got a great body and she's not a great singer."



But Cowell defends a more maligned figure: Ashlee Simpson (search), who was caught lip-synching on NBC's "Saturday Night Live."



"Why should you have to do something substandard just for the sake of being real? If it sounds better with the vocal you recorded, why shouldn't people listen to that? There's almost a witch-hunt mentality about people miming," he said.



The British talent judge also came out swinging on several other subjects.



On President Bush: "He could almost be a robot."



On marriage: "At the end of the day, it's an incredibly unfair contract."



On France: "We [the British] have hated the French for years. Now you [the United States] have just joined the club. It makes you much more likable."



The fourth season of "American Idol" premiered Tuesday night.

Flunking lunch?

Dear Mr. And Mrs. Walsingham,



      I'm happy to inform you that your son, Jeff, got straight A's, performs well on quizzes, follows directions well, and participates in class. But unfortunately... he's a fat little bastard! I took the liberty of pointing out the obvious about your child and his gargantuan ass. Also, I've enclosed a bill for repairs to our school chairs and toilet seats, due to your son's earlier mentioned immense girth. Jeff is a joy to have in class, and does well in all areas. Bradley Elementary would be terribly saddened if Jeff were to have his heart explode out of his chest, or choke to death on one of his chins in his sleep.



Our observations are simply out of concern for the mental and physical well-being of one of our students. We would prefer that he bring a backpack to school in the future, instead of his homework being filed in ink pen-labeled folds of fat.



           Sincerely,

            Mrs. Crabtree

---

I doubt those are the kinds of letters or remarks they plan to put in children's report cards, but do they really need to say anything about a kid's weight?



I'm not saying that breeding a bunch of fat kids is ok, but when did the school system decide to try and do something about it? They can barely teach kids how to read and write, so I find it a little fucked up that they would then have the balls to tell people their kids are stupid AND fat!



It won't do much but school-certify more kids as "losers" instead of letting them find out on their own that they're losers(they'll find out, just give them time). I hope to hear some story , or see some badly written made-for-tv movie about some fat kid getting a big red stamp on his report saying "grade A fat fuck", and then blowing his head off.



Also, I wonder if colleges would start holding that against future applicants? I can see it now, the Dean of Admissions is sitting at his desk, the fresh-out-of-high-school graduate sitting across from him smiling.



"Hmm, I see you were class President three years, and an honor roll student since kindergarten," says the Dean.



"That's correct, sir," the young man states enthusiasctically.



"Well, these SATs scores are certainly impressive, to say the least," states the Dean



"Thank you, sir,"



The Dean flips the page.



"Oh, well this isn't good,"



"Sir?"



"Well, it says hear your were obese three times!"



"But that was in grade school, I've filled out since then!"



"No, no, no! We can't allow such things here. You might relapse on us, and, and... Balloon Up, or something! No, this interview is over, son."

---

Obesity indicator on student report cards?

Texas lawmaker wants body mass index listed

Wednesday, January 19, 2005 Posted: 10:51 AM EST (1551 GMT)



AUSTIN, Texas (AP) -- Texas school districts would be required to include the body mass index of students as part of their regular report cards under a bill introduced Tuesday by a lawmaker seeking to link healthy minds with healthy bodies.



When the measurement, which calculates body fat based on height and weight, indicates a student is overweight, the school would provide parents with information about links between increased body fat and health problems, said Democratic state Sen. Leticia Van de Putte.



"We should be just as concerned with students' physical health and performance as we are with their academic performance," she said.






More than a third of school-age children in Texas are overweight or obese, according to the Texas Department of Agriculture.



Arkansas implemented a similar law during the 2003-2004 school year, although the information is sent to parents separately from report cards.



Eric Allen, a spokesman for the Association for Texas Professional Educators, said most parents don't need to be told their child is overweight.



"It doesn't have a place on a report card," he said.

audio

Jesus juice

More disturbing mental images courtesy of the Michael Jackson trial



I don't care what the parents say, they left there kids at Mikey's house hoping he would get some NAMBLA-style action. I seriously doubt any of the children involved EVER wanted to go to Michael Jackson's House of Wax. I can see the kids in the car, outside the Neverland Ranch, begging to go home.



Kid: I don't wanna go, Mom!

Mom: You'll be okay, son.

Kid: He tries to kiss me, Mom!

Mom: Dammit, boy! Get in there and take one for the team! If he tosses your salad, we'll be on "Easy Street"!



And if Michael Jackson doesn't go to jail this time, I can't imagine what he'll do next. Probably buy some TV time, confess his innocence, and shoot one of his kids out of a cannon.



And if Michael Jackson DOES go to jail, that will be just as priceless. I can't imagine the stories that will make their way to the outside world, when Jackson has to survive by joining a gang or becoming someones bitch. I doubt any jailhouse confrontations will go down like a Beat It or Bad music video. If a cannibal serial killer like Jeffrey Dahmer got his ass beat to death in prison, the "King of Pop"s chances don't look too stellar.



Plus, I can't wait to watch his head fall apart when he doesn't have access to the folks at Lucas Arts to paint lips and eyes on his bleached skull every morning(Mr fuckin' Potato Head). Once the straightener is gone, and Mike's nappy fro starts growing out, and he's been raped more times than he was hoping to get raped , his mascara will start running from the tears running down his plastic face, and he's gonna look like a cross between Courtney Love and Diana Ross smashed together.



Here's the article with all the sticky details

---

More Graphic Details Emerge In Jackson Case

01.14.2005 5:36 PM EST



Quotes from testimony involve masturbation, pornography, underage drinking.

Michael Jackson (file)


Photo: Ian Barkley



Michael Jackson's child-molestation trial has yet to begin, but the singer's legal team is already on the defensive in the court of public opinion as graphic details of his accuser's grand-jury testimony continue to surface.



The Smoking Gun first leaked the documents (see "Reportedly Leaked Documents Provide Lurid Details Of Michael Jackson Case"), and ABC News released additional details of the accuser's testimony during the network's "Primetime Live" program as well as its "Good Morning America" broadcast on Thursday.



Jackson's defense team was quick to point out in a statement released Thursday that the witnesses who testified in the grand jury setting were not subject to cross-examination or refutation. "This case will be won in the courtroom and not through 'leaks' in the media," Jackson attorney Thomas Mesereau said.



The alleged victim, now 15, was one of 41 witnesses who testified over the course of two weeks before a grand jury in Santa Barbara County last March. The result was more than 1,900 pages of transcripts, including the accuser's sworn testimony and that of his brother, sister and mother, as well as other key witnesses — all of which the judge had ordered to be kept sealed.



Nevertheless, ABC News' Cynthia McFadden read portions of the accuser's testimony during "Primetime Live" and "GMA," detailing disturbing and graphic allegations. The following excerpt, capturing an exchange between the accuser and the prosecutor, is typical of the testimony.



Prosecutor: "What happened next?"

Accuser: "He told me he wanted to teach me [to masturbate], and then he started rubbing me."

Prosecutor: "Rubbing you how?"

Accuser: "He put his hand down my pants and he started rubbing me."

Prosecutor: "What part of your body was he touching?"

Accuser: "My private area."



"Why do you think you continued to stay in [Jackson's] room, and even in his bed, after the first time?" the prosecutor asked.



"I really don't know why. Now that I see it, I should have left," the boy answered.



Before the alleged encounters began, the accuser said he thought Jackson was "the coolest person in the world." So when Jackson asked him in September 2002 to appear in Martin Bashir's documentary "Living With Michael Jackson," he thought it would be fun: "Michael pulled me aside and told me, 'OK, you want to be an actor, right?' I was like, 'Yeah.' And he said, 'OK. I'll take ... I'll use this as like your audition.' And, like, 'I want you to act.' I was, 'OK.' And he told me to say a bunch of good stuff about him. Say that he's like my father and stuff like that."



The accuser said that, beginning on the day the Bashir documentary aired in the U.S., Jackson started urging him to drink alcohol, calling wine "Jesus juice." "He said I should have some because it will relax me." He said Jackson told him it would be "OK" to drink alcohol despite the boy's concerns that it could harm his one kidney (he lost the other to cancer). "And he would just keep on telling me to drink."



The boy said that he never drank alcohol at Neverland when Jackson wasn't there, but when he was, they would drink every night. "Pretty much, we would drink white wine," he said. "Then we'd drink red wine and then we'd drink vodka." He said his memory was hazy from drinking so much alcohol during that period. (Among the witnesses who corroborated the "Jesus juice" aspects of the boy's testimony were two airline stewards who told the grand jury that they routinely put white wine in Diet Coke cans for Jackson when he flies on planes.)



The younger brother claimed that he witnessed a string of inappropriate behavior from the singer. He testified that during their first visit to Neverland, Jackson asked the two boys to sleep in his bedroom, where they browsed the Internet and looked at pornographic Web sites that Jackson chose: "There was one site where there was a female, she had her shirt up, and Michael said, 'Got Milk?' "



The younger boy also claimed that he saw Jackson simulate sex with a female mannequin, and that Jackson walked into a room nude when he was watching the movie "The Devil's Backbone." He also said that he witnessed Jackson licking the alleged victim's head, and that he observed Jackson molesting his brother, while he was either asleep or passed out.



The mother of the children — whose motives have been questioned in some accounts (see "Michael Jackson Accuser's Mom Allegedly Raised Improper Health-Care Funds") — testified that she is not after Jackson's money: "I don't want the devil's money." She testified that she had concerns about her son's relationship with Jackson, but when she, too, allegedly saw Jackson lick the alleged victim's head, she didn't believe it. "I thought I was losing my mind. I saw a big, long, white tongue. His tongue is, like, white."



Despite this, she left her children in the singer's care, telling her daughter to look after her sons: "I had given her the responsibility, since [Jackson's associates] didn't allow me access to be with the boys and to watch over the boys." She said that it never occurred to her that her children were actually sleeping in Jackson's bed.



Jackson has pleaded not guilty to all charges. The next hearing in the case is scheduled for January 21. Jury selection starts on January 31.

Parasite

SS9090 Blogger Demerits




This is Mel Finkel, blogger for the Special Olympians Weblog Network, and SS9090 food stamp recipient

---

I believe my recent blogging has been "so-so" at best. I thought ruffling some feathers and being obnoxious would be more fun, but it's really not very fulfilling after the first few times. I don't know... maybe if I get bored again with writing my usual bullshit, I'll send out some more food stamps, but I doubt it. Probably in a year or two, I'll see how it feels again. The dollar bill award, was OK, but man there just isn't but a handful of people to even consider sending it to(and the blatant self-promotion of it, is just as bad as the food stamp).



I suppose you're bound to get repetitive, or some kind of writer's block when you try to update several times a week. I could fill this blog everyday with stories of West Virginia relatives and incarcerated siblings, but that would be too easy. Then, there's the guys at work who seem to want to be found dead in a puddle of their own vomit in the next few weeks. Not that it matters to anyone anyway. I've said this blog serve no purpose before, not that I needed to say it, you can tell just by looking at it. Whatever...



Since I most likely won't be insulting bloggers again anytime soon, back to mediocrity in it's most undigestable forms.

---

SS9090 Blogger Demerit winner: Norrin Radd






Norrin Radd gets this food stamp for having the balls to send the item pictured above to other bloggers, while maintaining no clear focus on his own posts, and lacking the ability to better himself. Sometimes he actually writes his own posts, then he gets lazy and just copies news stories, or writes about celebrities people don't even remember. His real talent would be his ability believe in himself when he drinks too much, and beating his wife.



I hope to hear from Norrin Radd, and listen to his acceptance speech!

---

Norrin Radd: "No Comment..."

Survey says...

Louie Anderson hasn't gotten drunk and propositioned a member of the smae sex for erotic pleasure in a while. I hope he's OK.






In this picture Louie is feilding questions about whether he did or didn't use lubrication while making a home sex tape with Jon Lovitz and Richard Simmons, which also involved a plastic spoon, music by ABBA, and dozens of dildos. Louie pauses to think about his answer while still savoring the semen in his mouth from only moments earlier with James Van Der Beek in a wardrobe closet.

A poem: my video store clerk

Pray for my suicide,

I know I do



Did you get that e-mail?,

Thanks for fucking me



I taste death in the air,Grandma

brought some cookies



You fight my potions of friendship

with a fist to my face, My face

proves weaker than the fist



Want some candy?, Then you shouldn't

touch little boys



They take all your candy,

video store clerk

This is news?

Woman, 66, Gives Birth in Romania



Monday, January 17, 2005

BUCHAREST, Romania — A 66-year-old woman has become the world's oldest to give birth, and she and her day-old baby daughter were in good condition in intensive care, doctors said Monday.



Weatherman Fired for On-Air MLK Slur



Monday, January 17, 2005

LAS VEGAS — A weekend television weatherman was fired after he made an on-air racial slur about Martin Luther King Jr., station officials said.



100-Pound Woman Eats Six-Pound Burger



Monday, January 17, 2005

CLEARFIELD, Pa. — Kate Stelnick (search ) may weigh only 100 pounds, but her appetite is remarkable. The college student from Princeton, N.J., is the first to meet a restaurant's challenge by downing its six-pound hamburger — and five pounds of fixins' — within three hours.



FOX Pixillates Cartoon Over FCC Worries



Monday, January 17, 2005

LOS ANGELES — FOX says it covered up the naked rear end of a cartoon character recently because of nervousness over what the Federal Communications Commission (search) will find objectionable.

Pass the crack pipe, Willis!

Where is Haley Joel Osment?






He did Secondhand Lions recently, but hasn't really appeared in anything since. I think Dakota Fanning has taken the throne of "Child Actor Who Can Actually Act" away from the now 45 year-old Osment(child actors age in dog years). I hear he has three kids and a car dealership in Winston-Salem, NC.



Maybe I'm wrong and he'll make some really awesome movie soon. Or he'll be found dead in a dumpster next to Wesley from Mr. Belvedere.

Dentist Finds 4-Inch Nail in Man's Skull

I haven't copied a news story and posted it in weeks, so... here's some lazy blogging for your info-tainment.



Sunday, January 16, 2005



LITTLETON, Colo. — A dentist found the source of the toothache Patrick Lawler (search) was complaining about on the roof of his mouth: a four-inch nail the construction worker had unknowingly embedded in his skull six days earlier.



A nail gun backfired on Lawler, 23, on Jan. 6 while working in Breckenridge (search), a ski resort town in the central Colorado mountains. The tool sent a nail into a piece of wood nearby, but Lawler didn't realize a second nail had shot through his mouth, said his sister, Lisa Metcalse.



Following the accident, Lawler had what he thought was a minor toothache and blurry vision. On Wednesday, after painkillers and ice didn't ease the pain, he went to a dental office where his wife, Katerina, works.



"We all are friends, so I thought the (dentists) were joking ... then the doctor came out and said 'There's really a nail,"' Katerina Lawler said. "Patrick just broke down. I mean, he had been eating ice cream to help the swelling."



He was taken to a suburban Denver hospital, where he underwent a four-hour surgery. The nail had plunged 11/2 inches into his brain, barely missing his right eye, Metcalse said.



"This is the second one we've seen in this hospital where the person was injured by the nail gun and didn't actually realize the nail had been embedded in their skull," neurosurgeon Sean Markey told KUSA-TV in Denver. "But it's a pretty rare injury."



Lawler was recovering Sunday in the hospital, where he was expected to spend several more days.



Despite his lack of medical insurance and hospital bills between $80,000 and $100,000, Katerina Lawler said her husband is in good spirits.



"The doctors said, 'If you're going to have a nail in the brain, that's the way you want it to be,"' she said. "He's the luckiest guy, ever."(www.foxnews.com)



$100,000 and no insurance, huh? "Hey doc, just push the nail in a little further and save me the trouble, will ya?!"

Michael Sherrards Exposed

Michael Sherrards Exposed



You're the recipient of the prestigous SS9090 Blogger Demerit. For your concentration on Michael Sherrard like he's someone anyone cares about, you get this coveted food stamp!






Enjoy! And please make an acceptance speech.

Thoughts of Mike

Thoughts Of Mike is the recipient of the SS9090 Blogger Award.






Mike writes about a variety of subjects(a must for this award) and writes well about them. His life is a constant subject, and his observations are sharp and precisley aimed at their targets, no fat. I especially enjoy his "Velcro Shoes" post, and his updates on his participations in "Blogger Jihad". Plus, Mike makes me laugh! My only complaint would be Mike's updating is not very regular(my only complaint).



Congrats, Mike! We hope to hear from Mike as we did from past winner Kikkitsch (on his blog) and Blogger Demerit winner American Warmonger (here at SS9090).

Next Blog button = e-terrorism

The SS9090 Blogger Awards



After doing some investigation, it looks like I'm gonna be handing out more food stamps than c-notes...

Radd vs. Zombie

We enter this IM conversation already in progress, where Norrin Radd and Leroy Zombie discuss who would win a fight: Norrin's floating luchador head IM icon, or Zombie's floating coffee mug with face IM icon...



SilverSurfer9090 [3:55 PM]: gotta get booze somehow, right? lol



Leroy Zombie [3:56 PM]: Sure.



SilverSurfer9090 [3:58 PM]: i think my luchador could body slam your coffee mug!!!



Leroy Zombie [3:59 PM]: Well, yeah, coffee mugs don't have hands. Or legs.



SilverSurfer9090 [3:59 PM]: well, they have hand-les!



Leroy Zombie [3:59 PM]: But no body to slam.



SilverSurfer9090 [3:59 PM]: <~~kicks own ass for that joke



SilverSurfer9090 [4:00 PM]: so, i could piss in him and he couldn't do anything?



Leroy Zombie [4:00 PM]: He could bite your penis.



SilverSurfer9090 [4:01 PM]: wait, wait, wait! he has no hands, but he has teeth for penis-biting?!?!



SilverSurfer9090 [4:01 PM]: insanity!



Leroy Zombie [4:01 PM]: Look at him. He has a mouth.



SilverSurfer9090 [4:01 PM]: well, actually i don't have hands either



SilverSurfer9090 [4:01 PM]: just a floating head



Leroy Zombie [4:01 PM]: But it represents a human, which has hands.



SilverSurfer9090 [4:02 PM]: and your mug represents a mug which has teeth?



Leroy Zombie [4:02 PM]: No, my mug is just a mug. There's nothing else it could be. You see what it is. They can only show the head of a lucha for a lack of space.



SilverSurfer9090 [4:03 PM]: but they show teeth and eyes on your mug!!!



SilverSurfer9090 [4:03 PM]: explain yourself!!!



SilverSurfer9090 [4:03 PM]: i demand of thee!!!



Leroy Zombie [4:03 PM]: I have a magic mug. You have part of a lucha because there's no room for the rest of the lucha.



SilverSurfer9090 [4:04 PM]: no much lucha, just lucha cabasa?



Leroy Zombie [4:04 PM]: No.



SilverSurfer9090 [4:04 PM]: no?



SilverSurfer9090 [4:05 PM]: well, my floating head can beat your magic coffee mug!!!



Leroy Zombie [4:05 PM]: No way!



SilverSurfer9090 [4:05 PM]: he knows kung-fu, bitch!!!



Leroy Zombie [4:05 PM]: Look at the eyes on the mug. He's an insane mother fucker! He knows how to snap your floating head's brain stem in 32 different flavors!



Leroy Zombie [4:06 PM]: VIVA LA CAFFEINE



SilverSurfer9090 [4:07 PM]: But my lucha drinks coffee for breakfast!!! he's a fuckin' wild man!!!



Leroy Zombie [4:07 PM]: My coffee mug watches wrestling tapes from 30 years ago! He's an insane mother fucker!



SilverSurfer9090 [4:08 PM]: plus, he'll snap his nose/handle off his flat face (flat faced like a mongoloid)



Leroy Zombie [4:08 PM]: Mine will burn off yours face with his ultra hot caffeinated goodness



SilverSurfer9090 [4:09 PM]: he wears a mask for protection from such cheap shots



Leroy Zombie [4:09 PM]: But his eyes are unprotected



SilverSurfer9090 [4:09 PM]: and he'll release his poo in your mugs head



Leroy Zombie [4:09 PM]: Your floating head doesn't have an anus in which to poo with!



SilverSurfer9090 [4:09 PM]: he poos out of his mouth, like south park



Leroy Zombie [4:10 PM]: Mine will put so much burn scar tissue on his face, he won't be able to open it!



SilverSurfer9090 [4:11 PM]: mine will put so much creamer in your mug he'll get constipated



Leroy Zombie [4:11 PM]: It's a mug. He doesn't need to poo.



SilverSurfer9090 [4:12 PM]: but he does need to drink coffee? you're a loon!



Leroy Zombie [4:12 PM]: He doesn't need to drink coffee



Leroy Zombie [4:12 PM]: He holds it for others!



SilverSurfer9090 [4:13 PM]: well, my guy can catch coffee with his mouth and spit it in your mugs face!!!



Leroy Zombie [4:13 PM]: My mug can splash your guy in the eyes and permanently blind the fucker!



SilverSurfer9090 [4:13 PM]: not after taking a van daminator!!!



Leroy Zombie [4:14 PM]: Your guy doesn't have legs!



SilverSurfer9090 [4:14 PM]: he throws the chair with his teeth, and then head-butts the opponents with the top of his hard skull



SilverSurfer9090 [4:15 PM]: indeed!



SilverSurfer9090 [4:16 PM]: ya know what, man?



SilverSurfer9090 [4:17 PM]: This is going on the blog



The conversation continues down this road...

Kirk's Blog: My So-Called Strife

Kirk's Blog: My So-Called Strife



I like Kirk's blog. He knows how to talk about himself (something most bloggers do, but in a completely unreadable way) without being obnoxious. In fact, he's entertaining at the same time! Some people can learn from him.






Kirk gets the first Blogger Award handed out. Maybe he'll make an acceptance speech in the future.

American Warmonger

American Warmonger is the first award recipient! Blogger Demerit




Some people just have a lack of soul in their writing and it hits you like a caucasian locomotive. Plus, the dreaded political opinion (and not much else) is just a depressing read. If anyone disagrees with my choice, please let me know.



I also hope to hear from American Warmonger on the subject.

The Ugly Club

"A proud father drapes his arm around his protege and proclaims, "I want the tree of ugliness to spread its branches all over the world."






"I'm ugly and I don't regret it," says the bold founder, Telesforo Iacobelli, president of Club dei Brutti



Teles likes his bitches UGLY. And he's not ashamed to admit it. I don't know if that makes him a brave and self-knowing man, or a certified sick fuck? I guess some guys are attracted to ugly girls, but then what is beautiful? Yeah, you're right, UGLY isn't beautiful.

The blog critic

I'm not saying my blog is the greatest, but I know what I like, and what I don't like. What I don't like are most people's blogs. For this reason I've decided to actually start sharing my opinions of others.



For the bloggers out there who are doing it right: The SS9090 Blogger Award




It's a $100 bill with my idiotic face in the middle (looks like a poor man's "The Rock" with that stupid expression. I love it!). People who won't be getting this award include pregnant women documenting the miracle of life, gay guys being "oh-so fabulous" on the web, and slack-jawed virgins who write about local or national politics.



Those folks will most likely get this: The SS9090 Blogger Demerit




For the lucky people who don't know or remember, this is a series of fuckin' food stamps!



When someone gets one of these awards, they will be notified by me, and I will also write a post about the recipient of the Award or Demerit.



So, anyone who thinks they know someone worthy of either award, let me know.



Why the SS9090 Awards? Because the BoB Awards suck elephant penis!!!

I Got Your Tsunami Right Here, Mofo

Disclaimer: The views herein do not represent the owner of the blog, just the lowly little moron that the owner of this blog employs the writing inabilities of. If you have any problems with someone else's opinion or have any wish to flame the author of this post, go fuck yourself. Now shut up and read, daddy's writing.



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



Okay, so it's on everyone's mind. The tsunami! Oh my God! 200,000! DEAD! Poverty! Hunger! Homelessness! The world is coming to an end!



Okay, enough of it already. We understand. Lots of people died. Lots of people lost their homes. So? What's new with the world?



The media and society is trying to cram down our throats that this is some horrible tragedy that we must all support, and we all apparently are supposed to buy into it and feel bad.



I don't.



Why should I support some faux cause like this? Seriously. A tsunami hit and killed a bunch of people, and took the homes of many others. So what? There's millions, if not close to the billions, of people who are starving, homeless, and dying every day. Why should this make a difference in our indifference?



How many of us American's give a fuck with poor old Ali Bubushka in Iran dies of leukemia? How many of us put towards any effort towards the starvation or AIDS ridden villages of Ethiopia? How many of us give a fuck about anyone but ourselves, until the news puts something on?



I hate America. We're so full of hypocrites that it makes me sick. Nobody gives a shit about anything unless the news tell them to give a shit. It's all about TV, papers, and the internet nowadays. We don't show compassion unless we're TOLD to show compassion.



I'm not trying to undermine that a bunch of people died. That's a horrible fact, but still, why should we care? It's barely a blip on the radar of World Deaths, seeing as we have over 6 billion people living in the world. Do some math on that. Roughly .00003% of the world died. OMFG. Horrible. Who the hell cares?



And Thailand and Sri Lanka and all these places weren't THAT rich to begin with. They had plenty of homeless and starving. So now that they get hit with a natural disaster, they suddenly lost everything? I think they're just looking for a little more pity than they deserve. But that's okay, we all do it. America did it during 9/11, although at least ours was an attack by someone else, not just some random act of God.



I don't hate charity, and I don't support lots of people dying. I just also don't support some corrupt and faulty causes demonstrated by America to help people only when the news asks us to help them. If you want to make a difference in the world, you need to do some research and help EVERYBODY, not just the fuckers that get put on the news.



Does helping the tsunami make you feel connected to the world? I'm glad, because you're so obviously not if you have to take part in this one charity to make you feel like you've done something for the world. News Flash: You haven't done SHIT for the world, you've just shown your naivity and ability to fall victim to propoganda.



Good job, America. You're helping tsunami victims, but at the same time showing how worthless, thoughtless, and vain you all are.



Fuck you very much.



-LZ

My experiment

I've perfected the process!!!




Success!!! After years of hard work and study, I've finally master the science of human cloning. This clone (pictured on the left) is nicknamed "Smeagol" because he is my precious. And also because he is my slave. I will never work again, as "Smeagol" will secretly replace me at my job for the rest of my life! Also, I will have easy access to "spare parts" when I get older.



In a way, I feel sorry for "Smeagol". His life will be filled with thankless pain and suffering in the pursuit of MY happiness. On the other hand, I don't really care because I'm evil and lazy.

The Bronze Broads

I was watching the Lifetime channel this morning and I caught some Golden Girls reruns. I enjoyed the simplistic formula, but entertaining episodes. Then I realized,"HEY!!! THEY'RE ALL STILL ALIVE?!?!?!"



My money is on Bea Arthur (Dorothy), as the first one to croak. I could see her in the supermarket squeezing an eggplant, having a stroke, and crashing through a jell-o pudding display.



Estelle Getty (Sophia) was my favorite. She hasn't done much since the show besides the movie, "Stop Or My Mom Will Shoot".



Betty White (Rose) has probably been the most successful by playing a bunch of cursing old lady roles (Hard Rain, Lake Placid, etc.).



And Rhue Maclanahan (Blanche) is still the only one I would have sex with. I'm sure most guys wouldn't even consider having sex with any of them, but then again, What would you do if you had to? You don't know. But I do, because I've taken the time to think about it, and have prepared myself for the future.

Norrin Radd Goes To The Mayor

Holy crap! The Mayor wants me to write an article on gourmet cooking for the blog. What do I know about gourmet cooking?


That's it! I've got it. It was right in front of me the whole time.


Mmmm!


Another successful blog entry, and the Mayor is satisfied!

Chicken, creamy chicken, beef, oriental, pork, shrimp, etc.

What kicks ass? Ramen noodles, that's what!






I love Ramen noodles. They're one of the most ingenious creations of the 20th century. Why can't all delicious meals be as easy to prepare? Boil water, add noodles, add flavor pack, enjoy. They should make sex dolls that work that way. Put the bag in the tub, turn on the hot water, add asian-hottie flavoring, insert...



I remember when I was single, living in a house with four other people (sounds like a bad sitcom, it was a bad reality). We would get together and go shopping. I think half the food budget was ear-marked for Ramen noodles. I mean when you're just getting started on your own, and you've got a shit job while going to school, what else can you afford? Plus, do you really care? You're in your early 20s. You can operate just fine on 4 hours sleep, some Cheetos, and a half a beer for weeks at a time. I know I did.



When you love something, you also notice it's flaws. What the hell is Oriental flavoring made of?! And what is so Oriental about it (tastes like a spicier pork, to me)? And Shrimp flavor should change it's name to Fish-smell flavor. Of course, how many miracles can come out of a packet the size of drive-thru ketchup? I will however, praise Creamy Chicken as the most delicious Ramen noodle.



Another negative aspect to this inexpensive food item (less than a quarter!), is something I call "Ramen Burn-out". When you're spending all your money on tuition, alcohol, and questionable females, you tend to get lazy and buy nothing else. Which, leads to eating Ramen noodles for fuckin' weeks at a time! I enjoy them as much as anyone could (who isn't pure white-trash), but I still need variety and several flavors of Ramen is NOT what I mean. I went through a period of time where I actually had dreams about Ramen noodles! That reminds me of the Patton Oswalt joke about eating too many Ramen noodles. He had a dream he was buying an entire shopping cart full of noodles. Just when he was about to check out with his six-month supply of Ramen, Charlton Heston burts into the supermarket screaming,"Ramen noodles are people! Ramen noodles are people!"(referencing the movie Soylent Green. If you don't know, check it out)



In short, I'm gonna go make some Ramen noodles. I beleive today feels like a Pork day. What do you think?

Adult Swim®

I like cartoons. In particular, I like funny cartoons. And Adult Swim® is usually funny. I like most of the line-up. ATHF and Sealab 2021, of course. Harvey Birdman, etc.





One of the newest shows is Tom Goes To The Mayor. I think it's my new favorite show on Adult Swim. Tom Peters is such a fuckin' push-over, and Jefferton is so fucked up, it reminds me of my hometown. Plus, the Mayor is half retarded and makes Tom do everything. I knew this was gonna be my kind of show when I saw Bob Odenkirk ("Mr. Show with Bob and David") in the credits. So far, it's been a great show.





On the other hand, I can't stand Super Milk Chan. It's the stupidest fuckin' piece of shit since Cop Rock (and I don't mean funny:stupid. I mean Bob Saget:stupid). If someone out there likes this show, please try to explain why. I hope it gets cancelled very soon. And if you do like it, as Super Milk Chan says,"You DUMBASS!"

More absorbent than the leading brand

Remember those little pill-like capsules you used to get out of the vending machine as a child, you would pour water on them or put them in the sink and they would grow into an animal or whatever, made out of sponge? Well, I was watching a Tampon commercial on TV and I started thinking. Why can't they combine these two technologies? At least then, when I go into the bathroom and find one still floating in the toilet, I could see a dinosaur or a race car staring back at me. I think I would prefer that to the angry used tampon I'm greeted with now. Sometimes, when I lift the seat, the tampon belts out, "What are you lookin' at, asshole?! Flush me so I can get out of this creep joint! I wanna hit the bars, enjoy the night life... I wanna paint the town RED!!!,"

(TOILET FLUSHES)

Maybe I should develop a proto-type. Now, all I have to do is convince my wife to test it out.

Cheaters!©

Once in a while, I watch some very low-ball TV programming. Since, Saturday afternoon holds nothing of substance, it's even easier to come across some scum-suckin'-garbage entertainment.



So, Cheaters was on TV. I watched the entire episode and felt kind of dirty , but more so, I was saddened by the fact that I had caompletely enjoyed the experience.






This poor fuck is a cable guy, and his girlfriend got some new titties. Afterword, she went on the warpath, gobbling up cock and balls left and right! He busted her doing some dude on the living room floor. He got pissed, and broke a television with a baseball bat. It was great. At the end of the show they said he was considering getting a mail-order bride since American women were all skanky and slutty. I won't argue with him on that.