The flip-side

I was wondering today if slamming my penis in a car door would have a positive impact on my life?

I'm sure most folks would say, "That's a fuckin' stupid question, waldo!", and I can understand that response. But, think about it for a second with me, okay? (envision walking robotically out to the driveway, opening the car door, unzipping your pants, pulling your penis out and slamming the door shut on your most sensitive extremity)

Now, think of the up-side of this act of sexual defiance. If you play your cards right, folks will think your a sick fuckin' loon who probably picks through their own shit looking for the tracking device the federal government put in your cream of wheat. And if you can do that, you will never have to work again because you'll get social security disability.

Which is kind of cool, but you WILL have to put up with having a splint on your "doodle" for awhile.