Everyday I hear people using this God-awful, stupid phrases. They're like, maxims or anecdotes or what the fuck ever. Most of them don't even make sense, so I'm going to make fun of them. Who are you to complain about what I post about? If you're reading this blog, you obviously have no social life and are in dire need of a Thai hooker so that you can sniff a line of cocaine off her left thigh.
...Not to be mean or anything.
"Old as fuck"
- What the hell does that mean? How old is a "fuck?" I mean, it's a term that I assume means to copulate... so how can it age? Is this poking fun at one-minute men? Or guys like Sting who can go ALL NIGHT LONG? I don't understand this. The oldest I can see a "fuck" being is around 3 minutes. Admit it, guys, you're all premies!
"You can't have your cake and eat it too"
- Then why the fuck do I have cake if I can't eat it? This one always annoys me. Seriously, you have cake, but you can't eat it? Throw that shit away and go pop the top off a brewski. No sense in sitting there staring at such a deliciously moist piece of baked goodness with rich, sweet frosting. And if you can't have the cake and eat it... can you eat it and not have it? Does that make sense? It doesn't matter. This maxim sucks ass.
"Kill two birds with one stone"
- I would love to see one person who can kill two birds with one stone. I doubt the average person has the ability to kill one bird with two stones. I mean, how do you kill two birds with one stone? Can you throw it so hard that it hits one bird in the head, killing it on impact, and still retain enough velocity to ricochet off and into another bird and kill it as well? That would be in Ripley's Believe It Or Not or something, because that would just be un-fucking-believable. Seriously, go outside and throws rocks at birds. See how many you can kill with one stone. While you're at it, feed a seagull some alka seltzer. That's just funny. Seagull go BOOM!
"A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush"
- Who the hell caught the bird, cause I want to shake their hand (if only to trick them into letting the bird go... Go PETA!). I don't know a single person who can catch a bird with their bare hands. So, I guess what I'm trying to say is... You're never going to catch a bird with your bare hands, stop trying, and just fucking appreciate that you still have two in the bush.
"Don't count your chickens before they hatch"
- Well, thanks for the advice, shithead. Who the fuck tries to count chickens they don't even know they have? For all they know, the rooster is shooting blanks and the eggs are fertilized to be able to hatch. You'll be counting chickens for a long, long time until you notice the eggs turn a slight green color and the chickens peck your eyes out for being a dumbass. Besides, that doesn't include all the stillbirths in it. Somehow, this raised another question... can a chicken get an abortion? Man, I can just see a hen with a rusty clotheshanger now...
"Every cloud has its silver lining"
- Uh, okay. I see a lot of clouds in the sky. I don't see much silver lining. I see a lot of rain. And lightning. And it's starting to hail a little bit. Hey, is that an F-5 tornado taking out an orphanage? Don't worry, the funnel cloud has a silver lining! Just look for it!
"What goes around comes around"
- Bullshit it does. Now, in a perfect world, everything WOULD be circular. As John Rambo was told in Rambo III "to find peace, john, you must come full circle." HAHAHAHA. Perish the thought, foolish mortal. Nothing will ever come back around. Ever. Once it goes, it's gone. And it'll stay gone. All acts of kindness will be unrewarded, and all acts of evil will be unpunished. Hey, maybe this can work in my favor...
"Birds of a feather flock together"
- You fucking conformist! You're flocking?! What are you, a man or a GOOSE?! If you're going to be a bird, at least be something badass. Merlins are like, the biker group of birds. Falcons are just fast and deadly. Hawks rule. Eagles rock. Why would you put yourself in a flocking group like a goose or a duck? You pussy.
"If you can't beat them, join them"
- You pansy, you're QUITTING? If you can't beat them, you grab a baseball bat and take out their knee. DURRRRRRR. Here's an idea: If you can't beat them, start lifting weights, take a karate class or two, and just flat out kick their ass. Who cares about playing fair?
"The grass is greener on the other side"
- You must be a really sorry gardener then. If you can't even keep your grass looking healthy and naturally green, then you need to just move to the fucking city. That way you won't be responsible for the deaths of millions of organisms. You schmuck. How hard is it to spread out some seed every now and then, water it, and mow it? God. America is getting so lazy that it makes my ass itch. Or maybe that's just the rash from my unwashed underwear.
"When the going gets tough, the tough get going"
- Not always. Sometimes the tough guys go to the bar and drink. Does that count as "going?" And the tough guys are sooooo tough that they don't have to do shit. It's always up to the weakling mortal to actually do the going. Fucking communist America. Everyone thinks they're better than everyone else, so they don't have to do work! FUCK YOU, AMERICA! FUCK YOU AND THE HORSE YOU RODE IN ON! AND IT'S MOTHER!
"Give a man a fish, and he'll eat for the day. Teach a man to fish, and he'll for a lifetime."
- Oh shut the fuck up. We both know that the man in question is just going to get the fish handed to him every day for the rest of his life by the US Government. Why work when you get stuff for free? Just remember to keep your job, millions on welfare depend on you!
"Home is where the heart is"
- Actually, my chest is where my heart is. I don't know about you sickos, but I'm happy with it right where it is. Maybe you guys should stop ripping your hearts out and putting them over the fireplace. It's not a good dinner conversation piece, it's just creepy. Sick fucks.
"Speak softly, but carry a big stick"
- Who's gonna carry around a baseball bat and beat someone into submission in complete silence? If you're gonna beat the shit out of someone, at least have the dignity of yelling out a "yo momma!" joke or two. Then it's just plain entertaining!
"You can't teach an old dog new tricks"
- But you can shoot it. Or feed it antifreeze. Dogs like that stuff for some reason. If you have an old dog that STILL won't learn how to sit down or fetch, just throw the thing off a bridge into oncoming traffic. Problem solved. Screw you, Armand.
"Don't bite off more than you can chew"
- What kind of a moron fills their mouth so full that they literally can't chew? That's just fucking gross. America is TRULY growing fatter and fatter when we have to use sayings like this. Man, we're obese. Except for me. HEY! This isn't a beer gut! It's a protective covering for my rock hard abs! Leave me the fuck alone! Go stuff your face with another cupcake, fatso!
"This is the end of this post"
- Jesus Christ on a cracker. I can't believe you actually read all of this. What's your problem? Are you stupid or something?
-LZ
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