With Christmas around the corner, I was sitting on my couch daydreaming about which celebrities could die over the holiday season and not effect me emotionally in any way. Kind of a dark thought, but a thought none the less. I think we all have these fleeting moments of ponder, it's when we actually say them out loud to each other that we get ourselves in trouble.
To be honest, I like most celebrities with only a few exceptions. Of course, being the world-class couch potato that I am, my list might seem a little long to the average observer of fame. I would be happy to see some of these people go, but there are others I would miss, so I decided to show that I'm not completely heartless by also listing the ones I appreciate. Please keep in mind, these are merely MY opinions. If someone you like is on the "hit list", well maybe you should make your own list.
First, I'll dispense with the nice-ities, and give out my props.
1. Sylvester Stallone- I commend Sly for making the senseless, testerone-soaked action movies of the 80s (you know, those "homo-erotic, but in the good way" action movies Hollywood doesn't have the balls to attempt anymore).
2. Meryl Streep- She's Meryl Streep, I shouldn't have to explain. She's one of the last great American actors.
3. Al Pacino- He's Tony Montana! Fuck Escar Gomez and fuck the fuckin' Diaz Brothers!
4. Brad Pitt- I don't know, he just seems to be in movies I like. He seems like an alright guy, for a "pretty boy".
Now, enough of the painful act of compliments. The real list. People who can die tomorrow.
1. Andy Rooney- What's he made out of anyway, he should be dead already. He must live off the disdain he causes in others with his worthless thoughts and opinions on 60 minutes. Slip in the shower, and die, Andy!
2. Joan Rivers- She's made out of durable lexan plastic. And pure unadulterated bitch! She wears clothes Bjork wouldn't wipe her ass with and then insults people on the red carpet. Plus, she's the unfunniest female comedian of all time. I can't wait for her to die, so I can watch her decompose and see the terminator skull under her over-stretched face.
3. Puff Daddy- He should be murder just for fucking with Led Zeppelin's Kashmir. His remaining body of work is also worthy of the death penalty. His stupid-ass Vote Or Die campaign calling my house over and over before the election didn't help my decision either. Some day when alien races decide to make contact with us, they'll see Puff Daddy's image dancing around to a badly remixed Police song, and determine that we're just not ready for their enlightenment, hop back in their spaceship, and laugh their asses off on the ride home.
4. Julia Roberts- She serves what purpose?! She has what talent?! Julia Roberts makes Eric Roberts look like Lawrence Olivier. I won't waste anymore time on this one.
5. Ellen Degeneres- I'm sorry, but comedians who aren't funny but somehow extremely successful is one of the greatest crimes to me. I don't think I could laugh at Ellen Degeneres unless I was tripping on acid and she was being raped by a silverback gorilla. Same goes for Rosie O'Donnell, but if I start on her, I'll have to write a separate post.
6. Ben Affleck- Gigli, Paycheck, Bounce, Shakespeare in Love, Reindeer Games. 'Nuff said.
7. Paris Hilton/Nicole Richie- They don't even add up to enough to be separated for this list. I would put their heads back-to-back, so I could do the job with one bullet.
8. The little kid in the Old Navy/holiday commercials- I just despise his head for some reason! I think it's his voice. If I know nothing else, I know that boy is the spawn of Satan. Why else would he want me to wear those "Mr. Rogers Neighborhood" inspired fleeces?!
9. Bill O'Reilly- the no spin zone?! Go try to use your vibrator on another one of your producers! You fuckin' nuggethead.
10. Michael Jackson- I have a feeling Mike will hang himself with his own sparkle-encrusted underwear in his holding cell, when he's found guilty soon. So, I think this one is just around the corner.
There! I feel better. Now all I have to do is e-mail this list to Santa before Christmas. I think he owes me one or two of these people since taking Rodney Dangerfeild, Rick James, and O.D.B. this year. Well, Santa didn't take them, Jesus did. But they ARE cousins (they went to the same high school, too), so I'm sure he'll send the message along.
No comments:
Post a Comment