Artist:
Too $hort
Album:
Get In Where You Fit In
Title:
Blowjob Betty
Right about now in the place to be
Too $hort baby
Gettin' real funky with the motherfuckin'Dangerous Crew, bitch, with that old school
Too $hort baby, I'm so hard
Pimpin' these hoes on the boulevard
But I'm not here to tell ya bout me
I got a little story bout a nasty freak
She's the kind of girl you think about in bed
Blowjob Betty givin' real good head
Bust a left nut, right nut in her jaw
Sperm on her cheeks is all ya saw
She could blow more head than a whale blows water
Blowjob Betty make your dick get harder
She's a one of a kind, a hell of a girl
A trip and a half around the world
Catch her gettin' busy, bitch wouldn't stop
She's the kind of girl that'll make your toes pop
Every time I used to see her, I would know what's up
Blowjob Betty better blow me up
I remember the day when I first met her
Bitch kinda loose so I knew I'd get her
Walked up to her said "my name is $hort, just what you've been lookin' for"
Pimp is my game, I do it the best
Hoe fuck with me, she don't get no rest
Well after that, I G'ed the freak
I used to stop by and fuck about twice a week
And from the very first time I went to her house
Walked in the door and stuck my dick in her mouth
$hort Dog'll get bitches anytime I wanna
Got a big dick and lay it right on her tonsils
Only stick it in about half way back
Cause if I put it all in, it bust straight through her neck
Niggas always sayin' how they fucked that bitch
But I'm the only nigga that the bitch made rich
Like any other tramp she loved to fuck
With any motherfucker got nuts to suck
I spit game to the bitch, just like this
Why you runnin' round suckin' all that dick for no money?
It didn't take long to stay true to the game
And get my pimpin' on
But every once in a while you get a stupid hoe
Bitch ain't about money and she'll never know how to get it
Blowjob Betty was dumb
A fiend for a fuck and a mouth full of cum
She made money for a minute but she loved the sex
So I cut the bitch loose like a old school 'vette
6 months later, I'm still a pimp, I'm still a player
One night at a club, she was puttin' in work
All you had to do was step up to her
She was in the bathroom sayin' one at a time
Wasn't my bitch but she still was fine
So I went in the back room, seen the bitch
Slapped her on the head, said, "you ready to switch?"
And to the players out there
Instantly, Blowjob Betty started servin' me
Cause the player I am to the day I'm dead
I was sittin' on the sink gettin' some head
It was all so good and much too true
One young freak and a whole damn crew
But then I shot that fatal nut
Must of knocked that bitch on her butt
She couldn't even breathe, she was holdin' her throat
Me and my homies just hit the door
My homeboy said "$hort don't worry"
But that next day I read this story
A young girl died just last night
She choked on sperm in her windpipe
It was on her face, her neck, and chest
And we're sorry to say there's no suspect
When I saw that my brain clicked
I bust a nut and killed a bitch
It might sound sick, it might be petty
But ya never been sucked by Blowjob Betty!
Beeyatch!
Yeah hoe, y'all niggas don't know though, that's it
Sunday, August 29, 2004
Saturday, August 28, 2004
Get on the Good Foot
I finally got my new elevator shoe for my left foot! Now I can walk down the street, and I don't have to walk on the curb! Plus, I can keep my balance while I'm mounting my 600 lb. mute girlfriend. Which is awesome, my blind cousin is her new roommate, and we play this secret game with him, where we'll have sex in the house right in front of him, and the only thing that he thinks is going on is that we're... cooking some pig's feet! What can I say, his sense of smell is pretty damn good, and now so is my balance! No more putting three phonebooks under my left foot while I'm serving it up to my "silent sex cow"! :::does the moonwalk out of the shoe store:::
See My Side of the Argument
My cousin's birthday was right around the corner, so I decided to do something really cool for him this year. I signed up him for one of those secret home make-over shows, so he could finally get some decent stuff in his apartment. They came while he was at school, and totally replaced and rearranged the entire place. When he got home though, he turned into a completely ungrateful asshole. He started yelling and screaming about where we put his shit, and how his furniture was really old. Then he started crying like a little bitch, and began swinging his damn cane around. I guess blind people don't like having all their furniture moved around or something...I personally think he's just being a dick.
Some People
I was walking to my car, outside of the local mall when I came across a homeless person. He shuffled up to me, and asked me for some cash. He looked as if he was totally ravaged from alcoholism. I asked him for a reason why I should. He told me he had three kids and a wife. That he lost his job due to "cutbacks" and that he was forced to eat out of the garbage. I looked at him for a second, and said " I thought you wanted the money to get drunk! If I had given it to you, you were gonna waste it on some kids! You make me sick!". I then spat in his face and punched him in his malnourished stomach. I told the bartender about the entire incident as I drank my cold beer, and he simply stated in his own poetic words "The nerve of some fuckin' people these days". Right on, brother...right on.
My Physical Check-up
My Doctor got mad at me the other day when I went in for my physical check-up. He said it was time I had a Rectal exam. I forcefully disagreed. He said I was at risk for any kind of Colon Cancer, and all other kinds of butt diseases. So, I decided to let him "work his magic". I bent over the examination table, and tried to relax my "most tense muscle". I was trying to distract myself with thoughts of candy and gentle hugs, when I heard my Doctor make a sound of puzzlement. He rose to his feet, and tapped me on the shoulder. When I turned around, he was holding a Power Ranger, two rubber bands, and a map to his home, covered in vaseline. I quickly grabbed the items from his hands, and said in the most stoic voice I could muster, "I ran out of pockets this morning!" I was walking out of the exam room door, when I heard him say, "Asshole." That was the last time I let a man examine my anus...with consent, of course.
Stereotypes
Gay Men are Great Waiters
Mexicans Live 10 to a Room
Blacks Have Larger Than Average Genitalia
Whites Can't Dance
Asians Have Smaller Than Average Genitalia
Poor People Smell like Sour Milk
Elderly People are Angry Because They're Old
Wow! It's amazing how close the word "Stereotype" is to the word "Fact".
Mexicans Live 10 to a Room
Blacks Have Larger Than Average Genitalia
Whites Can't Dance
Asians Have Smaller Than Average Genitalia
Poor People Smell like Sour Milk
Elderly People are Angry Because They're Old
Wow! It's amazing how close the word "Stereotype" is to the word "Fact".
Bad Places
Bad Places to Die
1. A Shopping Mall
2. Greyhound Bus Station
3. Crackhouse
4. Porno Theatre
5. Louie Anderson's Kitchen
Bad Places to Be Found
1. Another Woman's House
2. Priest's Bedroom
3. Cub Scout's Tent
4. Porno Theatre
5. Michael Jackson's Basement
Bad Places to See
1. Louie Anderson's Kitchen
2. Priest's Bedroom
3. Michael Jackson's Basement
4. Porno Theatre
1. A Shopping Mall
2. Greyhound Bus Station
3. Crackhouse
4. Porno Theatre
5. Louie Anderson's Kitchen
Bad Places to Be Found
1. Another Woman's House
2. Priest's Bedroom
3. Cub Scout's Tent
4. Porno Theatre
5. Michael Jackson's Basement
Bad Places to See
1. Louie Anderson's Kitchen
2. Priest's Bedroom
3. Michael Jackson's Basement
4. Porno Theatre
News of the Weird
People Who Take Their Sleep Seriously
A 911 operator in Anne Arundel County, Md., apparently fell asleep in the middle of a call about a possible home break-in in progress on July 29, according to the official tape recording, which was reported by WBAL-TV (Baltimore). And in Alexandria, Va., the week after that, police found all three staff members asleep at the Sunrise Senior Living facility on Duke Street. (They had slept through the buzzing call button, several telephone calls, and a police siren. The supervisor had to be nudged awake despite the burglar alarm blaring just 10 feet away. One patient had fallen out of bed and couldn't get up, and another called 911 to summon the police when no one was there to help with his catheter.) [Baltimore Sun, 8-4-04] [Washington Post, 8-6-04]
Scenes of the Surreal
Some people out for morning rush hour on Aug. 5 in the Dorchester section of Boston were treated to a demolition derby on New England Avenue, after Yvesnane Gethers, 27, in a white limousine, chased her husband, Wayne Gethers, in another white limo, at speeds up to 50 mph and rammed him at least five times, causing extensive damage to both cars. The couple just happen to own white limos as their vehicles of choice, and Mrs. Gethers happened to discover her husband in his, having an early morning drink with a female friend. [Boston Globe, 8-6-04]
People Different From Us
London's Daily Telegraph reported in August on the veiled but apparently active market of British collectors who buy and sell fetuses and stillborn babies, with one seller saying he has heard of prices over 5,000 pounds (US$9,100). The major suppliers, apparently, are labs and medical schools, which dispose of their "curiosities," usually deformed fetuses such as babies with two heads. Said one dealer, of the seriousness of the collectors, "(It) is a very small market, but a very keen market." [Daily Telegraph, 8- 1-04]
Great Art!
Cape Town (South Africa)'s Old Town House museum has scheduled an exhibit for September featuring familiar 17th-century Dutch Master paintings, but with all of them turned to face the wall, which curator Andrew Lamprecht said will be a "conceptual art intervention" that turns the pieces "into something new and unexpected" which will "force gallery goers to reconsider their preconceptions about the art." "These are fascinating things to see from behind," he said. [Reuters, 8-3-04]
Government in Action
An AFSCME union local filed a grievance against East Haven, Conn., mayor Joe Maturo recently for violating the city's labor contract by personally doing the civic task of reaching down into a storm drain and repositioning the drain cover, which Maturo noticed had become dislodged. According to the union, if a cover comes loose, the city is required to call out exactly four union employees, three of whom would get time and a half and be guaranteed four hours' work. Said union president John Longley, "It's not about the money; it's about our work." (Maturo, a licensed electrician, was a longtime union member himself.) [Newsday-New Haven Register, 8-2-04]
Will Strip For Food
Canadian officials now require immigrants seeking work as strippers to submit nude performance photos of themselves, lest non-pros falsely claim to be strippers in order to get Canadian work permits, according to a July Toronto Sun report. Said an immigration lawyer, "They can't (even) be partially nude (in the photo)." Canadian club owners are so needy of strippers that they typically pay about Cdn$5,000 (US$3,700) a week for headliners. [Toronto Sun, 7-27-04]
Sgt. Botox
U.S. military personnel and their immediate families can routinely receive elective plastic surgery at government expense, including liposuction and facelifts and even breast implants for women (if the woman supplies the implants), according to a July report in The New Yorker. The writer found that, though the military did not offer the benefits in writing, word gets around, and the benefit helps in recruiting as well as in keeping the military's reconstructive-surgery doctors sharp. [The New Yorker, 7-26-04]
Least Competent Criminals
Merle Hatch, 42, was arrested shortly after he allegedly robbed a Compass Bank in Denver, even though he was dressed (in running shorts and shoes) entirely differently than when he pulled off the job. Hatch's plan was to leave the bank, then strip off his pants and appear to be a jogger out for a morning run, carrying the money. However, for some reason, he did the clothing change in front of the bank building in full view of the employees, who reported his new outfit. According to a police spokesman, Hatch expressed surprise when he was caught so quickly. [Rocky Mountain News, 7-17-04]
Recurring Themes
Games Floridians Play: Shannon Kramer, 35, was hospitalized with serious burns after (according to police) trying to toss a lighted firework at his girlfriend from his car during an argument; however, he overestimated the burn time, and it went off in his hands (Jacksonville, Fla., March). And Aravis Walker, 23, was killed when his car exploded during a session in which he would light fireworks and toss them out the window at passersby; one of the fireworks didn't clear the window but ricocheted to the back seat, where it ignited the rest of Walker's fireworks. [WKMG-TV (Orlando), 3-29-04] [WKMG-TV, 6-29-04]
A 911 operator in Anne Arundel County, Md., apparently fell asleep in the middle of a call about a possible home break-in in progress on July 29, according to the official tape recording, which was reported by WBAL-TV (Baltimore). And in Alexandria, Va., the week after that, police found all three staff members asleep at the Sunrise Senior Living facility on Duke Street. (They had slept through the buzzing call button, several telephone calls, and a police siren. The supervisor had to be nudged awake despite the burglar alarm blaring just 10 feet away. One patient had fallen out of bed and couldn't get up, and another called 911 to summon the police when no one was there to help with his catheter.) [Baltimore Sun, 8-4-04] [Washington Post, 8-6-04]
Scenes of the Surreal
Some people out for morning rush hour on Aug. 5 in the Dorchester section of Boston were treated to a demolition derby on New England Avenue, after Yvesnane Gethers, 27, in a white limousine, chased her husband, Wayne Gethers, in another white limo, at speeds up to 50 mph and rammed him at least five times, causing extensive damage to both cars. The couple just happen to own white limos as their vehicles of choice, and Mrs. Gethers happened to discover her husband in his, having an early morning drink with a female friend. [Boston Globe, 8-6-04]
People Different From Us
London's Daily Telegraph reported in August on the veiled but apparently active market of British collectors who buy and sell fetuses and stillborn babies, with one seller saying he has heard of prices over 5,000 pounds (US$9,100). The major suppliers, apparently, are labs and medical schools, which dispose of their "curiosities," usually deformed fetuses such as babies with two heads. Said one dealer, of the seriousness of the collectors, "(It) is a very small market, but a very keen market." [Daily Telegraph, 8- 1-04]
Great Art!
Cape Town (South Africa)'s Old Town House museum has scheduled an exhibit for September featuring familiar 17th-century Dutch Master paintings, but with all of them turned to face the wall, which curator Andrew Lamprecht said will be a "conceptual art intervention" that turns the pieces "into something new and unexpected" which will "force gallery goers to reconsider their preconceptions about the art." "These are fascinating things to see from behind," he said. [Reuters, 8-3-04]
Government in Action
An AFSCME union local filed a grievance against East Haven, Conn., mayor Joe Maturo recently for violating the city's labor contract by personally doing the civic task of reaching down into a storm drain and repositioning the drain cover, which Maturo noticed had become dislodged. According to the union, if a cover comes loose, the city is required to call out exactly four union employees, three of whom would get time and a half and be guaranteed four hours' work. Said union president John Longley, "It's not about the money; it's about our work." (Maturo, a licensed electrician, was a longtime union member himself.) [Newsday-New Haven Register, 8-2-04]
Will Strip For Food
Canadian officials now require immigrants seeking work as strippers to submit nude performance photos of themselves, lest non-pros falsely claim to be strippers in order to get Canadian work permits, according to a July Toronto Sun report. Said an immigration lawyer, "They can't (even) be partially nude (in the photo)." Canadian club owners are so needy of strippers that they typically pay about Cdn$5,000 (US$3,700) a week for headliners. [Toronto Sun, 7-27-04]
Sgt. Botox
U.S. military personnel and their immediate families can routinely receive elective plastic surgery at government expense, including liposuction and facelifts and even breast implants for women (if the woman supplies the implants), according to a July report in The New Yorker. The writer found that, though the military did not offer the benefits in writing, word gets around, and the benefit helps in recruiting as well as in keeping the military's reconstructive-surgery doctors sharp. [The New Yorker, 7-26-04]
Least Competent Criminals
Merle Hatch, 42, was arrested shortly after he allegedly robbed a Compass Bank in Denver, even though he was dressed (in running shorts and shoes) entirely differently than when he pulled off the job. Hatch's plan was to leave the bank, then strip off his pants and appear to be a jogger out for a morning run, carrying the money. However, for some reason, he did the clothing change in front of the bank building in full view of the employees, who reported his new outfit. According to a police spokesman, Hatch expressed surprise when he was caught so quickly. [Rocky Mountain News, 7-17-04]
Recurring Themes
Games Floridians Play: Shannon Kramer, 35, was hospitalized with serious burns after (according to police) trying to toss a lighted firework at his girlfriend from his car during an argument; however, he overestimated the burn time, and it went off in his hands (Jacksonville, Fla., March). And Aravis Walker, 23, was killed when his car exploded during a session in which he would light fireworks and toss them out the window at passersby; one of the fireworks didn't clear the window but ricocheted to the back seat, where it ignited the rest of Walker's fireworks. [WKMG-TV (Orlando), 3-29-04] [WKMG-TV, 6-29-04]
Thursday, August 26, 2004
A Sophisticated Conversation
The following conversation was copied from an AOL chat room.
BEAUTIFULSKIN04: MAYNE THIS LIL KID WHIPPED A SNOT BUGGA ON ME...I ALMOST HAULD OFF AND KNOCKED HIS GRILL
OUTRahshadFromDaFLA: 23 male south florida mix jamaican n thai lite yella lookin for a shawty to chat wit
Highdrated: fly you emotional
BEAUTIFULSKIN04: I CANT WORK WITH KIDS NO MOE
Oduudadancer005: see thats why
Downwit456soundz: na you . just a pain
Downwit456soundz: girl
Downwit456soundz: itz all love...
Highdrated: you gotta keep tellin yaself this aol so you dont get ya feelings hurt
Highdrated: stfu
CMD00ANTROC: 6
Downwit456soundz: can't we all cutt it up with out you
Highdrated: and you ....just....illiterate
Downwit456soundz: gettin so mad
Downwit456soundz: ?
Downwit456soundz: mybe so.....
Highdrated: lmao@ mad
LOOKJUSTSTART: CMD, dang nigg i kno u c me
Highdrated: nah i dont get mad
Downwit456soundz: you jumpin on me.i aint
Highdrated: you cut up with me and i cut up back...then YOU get frustrated n start cryin
Topnotch1118: good eveningeveryone
Berryhotb: blk female here want to chat from fla29
Downwit456soundz: want reall y to type to you but.
Highdrated: its an everyday thing
Downwit456soundz: i knew you could only sit there
Downwit456soundz: so long
Downwit456soundz: ....
LOOKJUSTSTART: got all dem rhymes to rite, but...
Highdrated: ummm go back and re-read the retarded shit you just typed
Junejewel10: ANY NIGGAS ON HERE FROM LONG ISLAND HIT UR GURL UP
CMD00ANTROC: NIGGAZ WANNA LOW JACK TRACK YA BITCHES SHACK YA BITCHES I PIMPS UP SMACK MY BITCHES U WANNA FUK TRICK YA BITCHES I DUK FLIP MY BITCHES
Highdrated: i said hi because i feel sorry for you
BEAUTIFULSKIN04: MAYNE THIS LIL KID WHIPPED A SNOT BUGGA ON ME...I ALMOST HAULD OFF AND KNOCKED HIS GRILL
OUTRahshadFromDaFLA: 23 male south florida mix jamaican n thai lite yella lookin for a shawty to chat wit
Highdrated: fly you emotional
BEAUTIFULSKIN04: I CANT WORK WITH KIDS NO MOE
Oduudadancer005: see thats why
Downwit456soundz: na you . just a pain
Downwit456soundz: girl
Downwit456soundz: itz all love...
Highdrated: you gotta keep tellin yaself this aol so you dont get ya feelings hurt
Highdrated: stfu
CMD00ANTROC: 6
Downwit456soundz: can't we all cutt it up with out you
Highdrated: and you ....just....illiterate
Downwit456soundz: gettin so mad
Downwit456soundz: ?
Downwit456soundz: mybe so.....
Highdrated: lmao@ mad
LOOKJUSTSTART: CMD, dang nigg i kno u c me
Highdrated: nah i dont get mad
Downwit456soundz: you jumpin on me.i aint
Highdrated: you cut up with me and i cut up back...then YOU get frustrated n start cryin
Topnotch1118: good eveningeveryone
Berryhotb: blk female here want to chat from fla29
Downwit456soundz: want reall y to type to you but.
Highdrated: its an everyday thing
Downwit456soundz: i knew you could only sit there
Downwit456soundz: so long
Downwit456soundz: ....
LOOKJUSTSTART: got all dem rhymes to rite, but...
Highdrated: ummm go back and re-read the retarded shit you just typed
Junejewel10: ANY NIGGAS ON HERE FROM LONG ISLAND HIT UR GURL UP
CMD00ANTROC: NIGGAZ WANNA LOW JACK TRACK YA BITCHES SHACK YA BITCHES I PIMPS UP SMACK MY BITCHES U WANNA FUK TRICK YA BITCHES I DUK FLIP MY BITCHES
Highdrated: i said hi because i feel sorry for you
COPS: live from bedrock
Bedrock News Update!
Fred Flintstone and Barney Rubble were arrested today, after undercover officers discovered a plot to have their wives killed, in a bizarre murder for hire scheme. When questioned about where they got such an idea in their heads, the men responded, "Kazoo!"
They insisted they got orders to kill from a small green flying martian. Wilma Flintstone and Betty Rubble could not be reached for comment at this time. The official charges are expected to be released shortly.
The men were not successful in their plot, however they were quite successful in stabbing the family dog 74 times with a dinosaur bone. Afterward, Mr. Flintstone was quoted as saying "Fuck that Dino-piece of shit!"
Fred Flintstone and Barney Rubble were arrested today, after undercover officers discovered a plot to have their wives killed, in a bizarre murder for hire scheme. When questioned about where they got such an idea in their heads, the men responded, "Kazoo!"
They insisted they got orders to kill from a small green flying martian. Wilma Flintstone and Betty Rubble could not be reached for comment at this time. The official charges are expected to be released shortly.
The men were not successful in their plot, however they were quite successful in stabbing the family dog 74 times with a dinosaur bone. Afterward, Mr. Flintstone was quoted as saying "Fuck that Dino-piece of shit!"
I Love Everyone
I hope no one is offended by any of my posts. I am not a racist, sexist, homophobe, or discriminate against the mentally challenged or the elderly. In fact, some of my best friends are black gay lesbian seniors with down syndrome and shiny wheelchairs. ahhhh shiiiiney!
I'm just kiddin', folks. I feel far superior to all such mongrels. :::spits on floor::: You make me sick!
Actually, the preceeding was actually a joke. Thank you.
:::blows a kiss to all my elderly retarded minority handicapable friends:::
I'm just kiddin', folks. I feel far superior to all such mongrels. :::spits on floor::: You make me sick!
Actually, the preceeding was actually a joke. Thank you.
:::blows a kiss to all my elderly retarded minority handicapable friends:::
A Surgeon General's Warning
A Public Health Advisory has been released for the following areas. If you can avoid these areas, please do so for your own health and mental well being.
Sun, 09/19/0407:30 PM
Carrot Top
Fargo TheatreFargo, ND
Find Ticketson sale now
Tue, 09/21/0408:00 PM
Carrot Top
Belle Mehus AuditoriumBismarck, ND
Find Ticketson sale now
Tue, 10/12/0407:00 PM
Carrot Top
Veterans Memorial ColiseumPhoenix, AZ
More Infoon sale Sat, 08/28/04 10:00 AM
Fri, 10/15/0408:00 PM
Carrot Top
Florida Theatre JacksonvilleJacksonville, FL
Find Ticketson sale now
Fri, 10/22/0408:00 PM
Carrot Top
Warner TheatreErie, PA
Find Ticketson sale now
Sat, 10/23/0408:00 PM
Carrot Top
Turning Stone CasinoVerona, NY
Find Ticketson sale now
Tue, 10/26/0408:00 PM
Carrot Top
Carpenter CenterRichmond, VA
Find Ticketson sale now
Fri, 10/29/0408:00 PM
Carrot Top
Hard Rock Live OrlandoOrlando, FL
More Infoon sale Sat, 09/11/04 10:00 AM
Sat, 10/30/0408:00 PM
Carrot Top
Ruth Eckerd HallClearwater, FL
More Infoon sale Sat, 08/28/04 10:00 AM
Sun, 09/19/0407:30 PM
Carrot Top
Fargo TheatreFargo, ND
Find Ticketson sale now
Tue, 09/21/0408:00 PM
Carrot Top
Belle Mehus AuditoriumBismarck, ND
Find Ticketson sale now
Tue, 10/12/0407:00 PM
Carrot Top
Veterans Memorial ColiseumPhoenix, AZ
More Infoon sale Sat, 08/28/04 10:00 AM
Fri, 10/15/0408:00 PM
Carrot Top
Florida Theatre JacksonvilleJacksonville, FL
Find Ticketson sale now
Fri, 10/22/0408:00 PM
Carrot Top
Warner TheatreErie, PA
Find Ticketson sale now
Sat, 10/23/0408:00 PM
Carrot Top
Turning Stone CasinoVerona, NY
Find Ticketson sale now
Tue, 10/26/0408:00 PM
Carrot Top
Carpenter CenterRichmond, VA
Find Ticketson sale now
Fri, 10/29/0408:00 PM
Carrot Top
Hard Rock Live OrlandoOrlando, FL
More Infoon sale Sat, 09/11/04 10:00 AM
Sat, 10/30/0408:00 PM
Carrot Top
Ruth Eckerd HallClearwater, FL
More Infoon sale Sat, 08/28/04 10:00 AM
Man(?) In The Mirror
Jackson Releases Statement
AP ImageMichael Jackson has released a statement disputing the depiction of he and his family in VH1's "Man In The Mirror." The pop singer makes no reference to the charges pending against him, instead rails against the mistreatment he says has been directed at him and his family.
In a statement released to Access Hollywood, Jackson says: "My family and I have dedicated our lives to spreading unity and peace to the world through our music. The most recent unauthorized version of my life story, 'Man in the Mirror,' in no way, shape, or form, represents who we are as a family.
It is unfortunate that for years, we have been targets of completely inaccurate and false portrayals. We have watched, as we have been vilified and humiliated. I, personally, have suffered through many hurtful lies and references to me as 'Wacko Jacko' as well as the latest untruth about me fathering quadruplets."
Jackson continues, saying: "This is intolerable and must stop. The public depiction of us is not who we are, or what we are. We are a loving family. My success on stage can be attributed to the love and support of my family off stage. My brothers and I are brothers first, we started out together and will always be together. All I can hope for is that one day, my family will be shown the same kindness and respect that we have, throughout our lives, shown to others."
The unauthorized biopic follows Michael's life from his childhood to his rise to fame to his current legal woes.
Jackson, who is facing a January 31st trial on child-molest charges, had to obtain a judge's permission to issue the statement while his case is under a court-imposed gag order.
:::Shortly after giving this statement, Jackson fondled his "sexual deviant release" doll, for the delight of the cameras:::
AP ImageMichael Jackson has released a statement disputing the depiction of he and his family in VH1's "Man In The Mirror." The pop singer makes no reference to the charges pending against him, instead rails against the mistreatment he says has been directed at him and his family.
In a statement released to Access Hollywood, Jackson says: "My family and I have dedicated our lives to spreading unity and peace to the world through our music. The most recent unauthorized version of my life story, 'Man in the Mirror,' in no way, shape, or form, represents who we are as a family.
It is unfortunate that for years, we have been targets of completely inaccurate and false portrayals. We have watched, as we have been vilified and humiliated. I, personally, have suffered through many hurtful lies and references to me as 'Wacko Jacko' as well as the latest untruth about me fathering quadruplets."
Jackson continues, saying: "This is intolerable and must stop. The public depiction of us is not who we are, or what we are. We are a loving family. My success on stage can be attributed to the love and support of my family off stage. My brothers and I are brothers first, we started out together and will always be together. All I can hope for is that one day, my family will be shown the same kindness and respect that we have, throughout our lives, shown to others."
The unauthorized biopic follows Michael's life from his childhood to his rise to fame to his current legal woes.
Jackson, who is facing a January 31st trial on child-molest charges, had to obtain a judge's permission to issue the statement while his case is under a court-imposed gag order.
:::Shortly after giving this statement, Jackson fondled his "sexual deviant release" doll, for the delight of the cameras:::
Celebrities with my Birthday
November 3rd
- KING LEOPOLD III of Belgium, b.1901
- American DEATH WISH actor CHARLES BRONSON, b.1921
- English JAMES BOND film composer JOHN BARRY, 72
- English actor JEREMY BRETT, b.1935
- Scottish pop singer LULU, 57
- ROSEANNE BARR, American comedienne, 51
- KATE CAPSHAW, American actress and wife of film directorSTEVEN SPIELBERG, 50
- English 1980s pop star ADAM ANT, 49
- British broadcaster LUDOVIC KENNEDY, 46
- VISCOUNT DAVID LINLEY, son of Britain's HRH PRINCESSMARGARET, 44
- DOLPH LUNDGREN, Swedish actor, 44
With the exception of the late great Charles Bronson, I don't know whether to be honored or insulted!
- KING LEOPOLD III of Belgium, b.1901
- American DEATH WISH actor CHARLES BRONSON, b.1921
- English JAMES BOND film composer JOHN BARRY, 72
- English actor JEREMY BRETT, b.1935
- Scottish pop singer LULU, 57
- ROSEANNE BARR, American comedienne, 51
- KATE CAPSHAW, American actress and wife of film directorSTEVEN SPIELBERG, 50
- English 1980s pop star ADAM ANT, 49
- British broadcaster LUDOVIC KENNEDY, 46
- VISCOUNT DAVID LINLEY, son of Britain's HRH PRINCESSMARGARET, 44
- DOLPH LUNDGREN, Swedish actor, 44
With the exception of the late great Charles Bronson, I don't know whether to be honored or insulted!
Outhouse of Rock
Dave Matthews Sued For Dumping On Chicago
Claim band bus discharged human waste into river, onto tourists
AUGUST 25--Claiming that a Dave Matthews tour bus driving on a Chicago bridge dumped "80 to 100 gallons of liquid human waste" on dozens of people taking a river boat tour, the Illinois attorney general yesterday sued the band and one of its drivers for $70,000. According to the Cook County Circuit Court complaint, a copy of which you'll find below, as the Matthews coach drove on the Kinzie Street bridge, the "contents of the bus' waste tank were released through the drain at the bottom of the bus and were discharged down through the open grating onto the bridge deck, into the river and onto the sightseeing tour boat." The band and driver Stefan Wohl have denied they were responsible for the fetid August 8 cascade, which landed, the AG reported, on "persons with disabilities, senior citizens, a pregnant woman, a small child and an infant." But Chicago cops reportedly have surveillance tapes showing the bus on the bridge at the time of the incident.
Damn, I thought those guys were full of shit, but this proves it!
Claim band bus discharged human waste into river, onto tourists
AUGUST 25--Claiming that a Dave Matthews tour bus driving on a Chicago bridge dumped "80 to 100 gallons of liquid human waste" on dozens of people taking a river boat tour, the Illinois attorney general yesterday sued the band and one of its drivers for $70,000. According to the Cook County Circuit Court complaint, a copy of which you'll find below, as the Matthews coach drove on the Kinzie Street bridge, the "contents of the bus' waste tank were released through the drain at the bottom of the bus and were discharged down through the open grating onto the bridge deck, into the river and onto the sightseeing tour boat." The band and driver Stefan Wohl have denied they were responsible for the fetid August 8 cascade, which landed, the AG reported, on "persons with disabilities, senior citizens, a pregnant woman, a small child and an infant." But Chicago cops reportedly have surveillance tapes showing the bus on the bridge at the time of the incident.
Damn, I thought those guys were full of shit, but this proves it!
Wednesday, August 25, 2004
a mEsajj frOm bilL
hi im bill. i hav douwne sindome. donte toch mi fukin crayons! i stab u withe mi rajing harD cok! I gett al tha fyne biches! AnD i wok lIke a pimp! al dae long. pLus i smeLl lyke cabajj. :::sniff, sniff::: yea bich! @#$$^&&()($#$%*#(#$!@)
My Bipolar Neighbor
There is a bipolar woman living in my new neighborhood. Our first day in the apartment, she drove up in front of the building honking her horn like crazy. It was at least 9 o' clock at night. She asked me if I needed anything from the Wal-Mart, Kmart, The Dollar Store. I said, no. Then, she asked me what my wife's favorite color was. I said, yellow.She told me my wife would love a yellow rose. She then took off around the corner, honkin' her horn like a mad woman. I thought for sure she was going to come back with a flower, wanting some money, but she didn't come back that night, thankfully. The next afternoon, we were still unpacking when she slowly staggered across the courtyard lawn toward us. She asked my wife if she ate corn on the cob, and how many were in our family. My wife laughed nervously and told her we get all our food at the supermarket. She then asked in a thick slurred southern accent, if we had any cookbooks. My wife said, she didn't even know, we were busy. That was the last time I saw her, with her thick glasses, short scraggly brown hair, batman t-shirt, and badly glued dentures. My wife told me the next day when she talked to the property manager she mentioned the bipolar nutcase, and the manager sighed and said she knew about her. The manager got calls the night before from angry tenants, who said the woman was knocking on their doors at 3 in the morning, trying to set up a yard sale. Also, the manager said the lady was not a resident of the property, just a guest of one. And that her family was going to put her on a bus, alone, back to georgia. Thank god! The local crazy is just a visitor, like an annoying guest star on a sitcom.
Oompfellas: Willy Wonka Remake
Starring Joe Pesci as Oompa Loompa #3
Gustav: God, you're funny!
Oompa Loompa #3: Wait, wait...how am I funny?
Gustav: What?
Oompa Loompa #3: How am I fuckin' funny? You said I'm funny. Funny how?
Gustav: Huh, I..don't know, you're funny, ya know? You make me laugh.
Oompa Loompa #3: You said I'm funny, now I want to know fuckin' how. What am I, a clown? I amuse you? Huh, motherfucker?!
:::Oompa Loompa reaches for gun:::
Oompa Loompa #3: Aw, I fuckin' had you goin'! This guy! Ha ha ha !
:::Gustav and the Oompa Loompa laugh together:::
Gustav: God, you're funny!
Oompa Loompa #3: Wait, wait...how am I funny?
Gustav: What?
Oompa Loompa #3: How am I fuckin' funny? You said I'm funny. Funny how?
Gustav: Huh, I..don't know, you're funny, ya know? You make me laugh.
Oompa Loompa #3: You said I'm funny, now I want to know fuckin' how. What am I, a clown? I amuse you? Huh, motherfucker?!
:::Oompa Loompa reaches for gun:::
Oompa Loompa #3: Aw, I fuckin' had you goin'! This guy! Ha ha ha !
:::Gustav and the Oompa Loompa laugh together:::
Friday, August 20, 2004
The Signs of Bad Filmmaking
A
Jerry Bruckheimer Production
of
A
Michael Bay
film
starring
Ben Affleck
and
Steven Seagal
in
Shit: The Movie
The Shit Hits the Fan!
Summer 2005
Penile Implants
The information is true and factual(www.penisreview.com). The information in red is strictly for my own enjoyment.
Penis Implant - Is it for you?(Do you suffer from oldman's penis?)
Penis Enlargement is not a new idea, but it is something more commonly discussed these days, thanks to new medical advancements, including penis enlargement capsules and penis enlargement surgery. As penis enlargement surgery is a big and serious step, we encourage you to read the following information and decide if a penis implant is the right choice for you.(You know i'm gonna read up, before i get my banana split!)
Penis Implant Surgery
Penis implant surgery involves insertion of semi-flexible plastic bars or an inflatable prosthesis in the penis.(I've already heard enough! Sign me up!) The former produces a permanent, partial erection. The latter can be inflated at will.(Go-go gadget penis!) Penis implants can be a viable option for men suffering from impotence or partial erectile dysfunction. Implant surgery is performed by a licensed urologist and will usually require a hospital stay of 3 to 7 days.(A guy with a van by the mexican border) Most patients can expect complete recovery without complications. Allow about 4 weeks for recovery from surgery. Penile sensations and sexual arousal should be near normal.
Implant surgical risk increases with:
Obesity. Smoking. Stress. Poor nutrition. Recent or chronic illness. Alcoholism. Use of drugs such as: antihypertensives; muscle relaxants; tranquilizers; sleep inducers; insulin; sedatives; beta-adrenergic blockers; or cortisone. Use of mind-altering drugs, including: narcotics; psychedelics; hallucinogens; marijuana; sedatives; hypnotics; or cocaine.(Or anyone who might have the surgery!)
Penis Implants - How they work.(:::pulls out pen and paper:::)
The diagram at right shows the placement of the reservoir behind the abdominal wall.The cylinders are in the penis.The pump is in the scrotal sac.(Just like my basketball shoes!Sweet!) At the top of the pump is the inflation site which is squeezed to push fluid into the cylinders. At the bottom of the pump is the deflation site which is squeezed to allow the fluid to return to the reservoir.
After Implant Surgery
Avoid vigorous exercise for 6 weeks after surgery.(a.k.a. NO FUCKIN'!) Resume sexual relations when your doctor determines that healing is complete. Resume driving 1 week after returning home.(note: Driving is stressful on your doodle)
Call your doctor if:
Pain, swelling, redness, drainage or bleeding increases in the surgical area. You develop signs of infection: headache, muscle aches, dizziness or a general ill feeling and fever. You experience new symptoms such as nausea, vomiting, constipation or abdominal swelling. You have pain or difficulty with urination. New, unexplained symptoms develop. Drugs used in treatment may produce side effects.(If any of the things in this paragraph happens to you, don't worry. You're just fuckin' dyin'!)
Penis Implant - Is it for you?(Do you suffer from oldman's penis?)
Penis Enlargement is not a new idea, but it is something more commonly discussed these days, thanks to new medical advancements, including penis enlargement capsules and penis enlargement surgery. As penis enlargement surgery is a big and serious step, we encourage you to read the following information and decide if a penis implant is the right choice for you.(You know i'm gonna read up, before i get my banana split!)
Penis Implant Surgery
Penis implant surgery involves insertion of semi-flexible plastic bars or an inflatable prosthesis in the penis.(I've already heard enough! Sign me up!) The former produces a permanent, partial erection. The latter can be inflated at will.(Go-go gadget penis!) Penis implants can be a viable option for men suffering from impotence or partial erectile dysfunction. Implant surgery is performed by a licensed urologist and will usually require a hospital stay of 3 to 7 days.(A guy with a van by the mexican border) Most patients can expect complete recovery without complications. Allow about 4 weeks for recovery from surgery. Penile sensations and sexual arousal should be near normal.
Implant surgical risk increases with:
Obesity. Smoking. Stress. Poor nutrition. Recent or chronic illness. Alcoholism. Use of drugs such as: antihypertensives; muscle relaxants; tranquilizers; sleep inducers; insulin; sedatives; beta-adrenergic blockers; or cortisone. Use of mind-altering drugs, including: narcotics; psychedelics; hallucinogens; marijuana; sedatives; hypnotics; or cocaine.(Or anyone who might have the surgery!)
Penis Implants - How they work.(:::pulls out pen and paper:::)
The diagram at right shows the placement of the reservoir behind the abdominal wall.The cylinders are in the penis.The pump is in the scrotal sac.(Just like my basketball shoes!Sweet!) At the top of the pump is the inflation site which is squeezed to push fluid into the cylinders. At the bottom of the pump is the deflation site which is squeezed to allow the fluid to return to the reservoir.
After Implant Surgery
Avoid vigorous exercise for 6 weeks after surgery.(a.k.a. NO FUCKIN'!) Resume sexual relations when your doctor determines that healing is complete. Resume driving 1 week after returning home.(note: Driving is stressful on your doodle)
Call your doctor if:
Pain, swelling, redness, drainage or bleeding increases in the surgical area. You develop signs of infection: headache, muscle aches, dizziness or a general ill feeling and fever. You experience new symptoms such as nausea, vomiting, constipation or abdominal swelling. You have pain or difficulty with urination. New, unexplained symptoms develop. Drugs used in treatment may produce side effects.(If any of the things in this paragraph happens to you, don't worry. You're just fuckin' dyin'!)
Happy now, Matt?!
I'VE UPDATED!!! I'VE UPDATED!!!
I'M NOT A MIRACLE WORKER!!!
OH WHY MUST YOU TORTURE ME SO?!?!?!
SWEET RELEASE!
:::picks up gun:::
PEACE IS MINE!
:::pulls trigger, water squirts against temple:::
AW, FUCK!!!
I'M NOT A MIRACLE WORKER!!!
OH WHY MUST YOU TORTURE ME SO?!?!?!
SWEET RELEASE!
:::picks up gun:::
PEACE IS MINE!
:::pulls trigger, water squirts against temple:::
AW, FUCK!!!
Warning: The Sweet Deceiver
Stay clear of Cancer!
He talks sweet, and he'll pay for your drinks, but the next thing you know, your sittin' up in a hospital room gettin' a gravy clot taken out of your ass. That beautiful, beautiful, lying little bastard. He walks up in his suede boots and tight jeans, talkin' about how good your hair looks tonight, and before you realize what you've done, he's walking out of your apartment the next morning. "I'll call ya, baby" he says while he's putting on his pants, and leaves a ten spot on the nightstand. I cried for days! Oh why, can't I find a disease that loves me for ME?! :::phone rings::: Aw shit! It's Tuberculosis again, I need call blocker!
He talks sweet, and he'll pay for your drinks, but the next thing you know, your sittin' up in a hospital room gettin' a gravy clot taken out of your ass. That beautiful, beautiful, lying little bastard. He walks up in his suede boots and tight jeans, talkin' about how good your hair looks tonight, and before you realize what you've done, he's walking out of your apartment the next morning. "I'll call ya, baby" he says while he's putting on his pants, and leaves a ten spot on the nightstand. I cried for days! Oh why, can't I find a disease that loves me for ME?! :::phone rings::: Aw shit! It's Tuberculosis again, I need call blocker!
The Power of Bacon
I dance.
I dance for myself.
I dance for my own pleasure.
:::puts on Footloose Soundtrack:::
That's right.
That's right, bitches!
I'm unstoppable!
I have the power!
The power of Kevin Bacon!
:::lightning strikes, thunder roars:::
Thank you, Satan!
I dance for myself.
I dance for my own pleasure.
:::puts on Footloose Soundtrack:::
That's right.
That's right, bitches!
I'm unstoppable!
I have the power!
The power of Kevin Bacon!
:::lightning strikes, thunder roars:::
Thank you, Satan!
Comedy Gold?
These are items considered to be "Comedy Gold"
The Homeless- smelly drunken people in rags always entertains
The Uneducated- "I is as smart as you all, muvafuckas!" priceless
Children of Low Income Families- Kids in diapers, walking the streets at 3 a.m. always gets a chuckle
The Elderly- "Help, I've fallen and I can't get up!"
Terminal Illness- "You have six months to live." (laughs hysterically) aw, my sides!
Foreign Citizens- "The..cheese...is on...the table?" exactly, Pudshmir Googledak
Fallen Celebrities- "Really! I was in Revenge of the Nerds! I want star treatment!" assholes
The following items are not "Comedy Gold"
Midgets- It's just been done to death...a short death, but a death none the less
Minorities- Tacos, hot wings and kool-aid...have we not discuss all these things already?
And finally...
Michael Jackson- This well has been pumped dry... besides, Jackson is a disgrace to music, morality, and the ancient art of pedophilia
The Homeless- smelly drunken people in rags always entertains
The Uneducated- "I is as smart as you all, muvafuckas!" priceless
Children of Low Income Families- Kids in diapers, walking the streets at 3 a.m. always gets a chuckle
The Elderly- "Help, I've fallen and I can't get up!"
Terminal Illness- "You have six months to live." (laughs hysterically) aw, my sides!
Foreign Citizens- "The..cheese...is on...the table?" exactly, Pudshmir Googledak
Fallen Celebrities- "Really! I was in Revenge of the Nerds! I want star treatment!" assholes
The following items are not "Comedy Gold"
Midgets- It's just been done to death...a short death, but a death none the less
Minorities- Tacos, hot wings and kool-aid...have we not discuss all these things already?
And finally...
Michael Jackson- This well has been pumped dry... besides, Jackson is a disgrace to music, morality, and the ancient art of pedophilia
Monday, August 16, 2004
Places to Call for a Laugh
These are suggestions for crank calls, but feel free to grab your own local phonebook.
Kent - Forest Lawn
Funeral Home & Cemeteries
(850)763-4694 - Tell them you want to bury grandma, but what can we do for say...$250.00.
Parker Sanitation
(850)914-2112 - My kids put the damn cat in the oven, so when can you pick it up?
Source of Life
Health Food Store
(850)763-4843 - What supplements should my dog take? My vet says he has to lose weight. I already bought him the sweat suit.
I think crank calls can be the highest form of entertainment.
(Also: Call your grandparents pretending to be the highway patrol, saying the whole family was killed by an eighteen wheeler loaded with pornographic material. It's a good one.)
Kent - Forest Lawn
Funeral Home & Cemeteries
(850)763-4694 - Tell them you want to bury grandma, but what can we do for say...$250.00.
Parker Sanitation
(850)914-2112 - My kids put the damn cat in the oven, so when can you pick it up?
Source of Life
Health Food Store
(850)763-4843 - What supplements should my dog take? My vet says he has to lose weight. I already bought him the sweat suit.
I think crank calls can be the highest form of entertainment.
(Also: Call your grandparents pretending to be the highway patrol, saying the whole family was killed by an eighteen wheeler loaded with pornographic material. It's a good one.)
Vs. ?
I recently saw Freddy Vs. Jason, and last night I saw Alien Vs. Predator. Afterward, the wheels in my mind started turning. What's next?
RoboCop Vs. Terminator ?
Critters Vs. Gremlins ?
Rambo Vs. Commando ?
Star Wars Vs. Star Trek ?
Paulie Shore Vs. Andy Dick ?
The Care Bears Vs. Gummie Bears ?
Antz Vs. A Bug's Life ?
Will Smith Vs. Bill Cosby ?
Forrest Gump Vs. i am sam ?
Ben Affleck Vs. Good Acting ?
Michael Moore Vs. Diet Cola ?
Corey Feldman Vs. Common Decency ?
RoboCop Vs. Terminator ?
Critters Vs. Gremlins ?
Rambo Vs. Commando ?
Star Wars Vs. Star Trek ?
Paulie Shore Vs. Andy Dick ?
The Care Bears Vs. Gummie Bears ?
Antz Vs. A Bug's Life ?
Will Smith Vs. Bill Cosby ?
Forrest Gump Vs. i am sam ?
Ben Affleck Vs. Good Acting ?
Michael Moore Vs. Diet Cola ?
Corey Feldman Vs. Common Decency ?
Jackie Chan Vs. English ?
10 lbs. of crap in a 5 lbs. bag Vs. John Kerry ?
George W. Bush Vs. Strategery(huh?) ?
Me Vs. Getting anymore out of this list ?
Thursday, August 12, 2004
The History of Douching
The following information is true and factual. (http://www.4woman.gov/faq/douching.htm)
However, the information in red, is clearly for my own enjoyment.
What is douching? (Yeah,man! What is douching?!)
Douching is rinsing or cleaning out the vagina (also called the birth canal) by squirting water or other solutions (such as vinegar, baking soda, or douching solutions you can buy at drug and grocery stores)(sounds like your makin' a salad to me, man!) into the vagina. The water or solutions are held in a bottle and squirted into the vagina through tubing and a nozzle.
Why do women douche? (Yeah, man! What's their problem?!)
Douching is a practice that is thought to have been around since ancient times.(You mean cavewomen douched, man?! Now I'm impressed!) Reasons women have given for using douches include to: rinse away blood after a menstrual period; clean the vagina after sex to avoid sexually transmitted diseases (STDs) and wash away semen to prevent pregnancy; and reduce odors. (Odors should have been the FIRST reason, man!)
How common is douching? (Yeah, man! Does my grandma know about this shit?!)
Douching is a common practice among women in the United States - 37% of American women between the ages of 15 to 44 douche regularly. Of these women, about half douche on a weekly basis. (Damn! That's a lot of douche bottles!)
Is douching safe? (Can I douche while I'm driving to work?!)
Health care providers do not recommend douching to clean the vagina. Douching changes the delicate chemical balance in the vagina (and the vaginal flora), which can make a woman more prone to bacterial infections. It also can spread existing vaginal or cervical infections up into the pelvic organs (uterus, fallopian tubes, and ovaries). (Damn, baby!)
Research shows that women who douche on a routine basis tend to have more problems than women who do not douche or who rarely douche. These problems include vaginal irritation, infections (called bacterial vaginosis or BV), and sexually transmitted diseases (STDs). Women who douche often are also more at risk for getting pelvic inflammatory disease (PID).(Douching with a turkey baster doesn't help either, man!) PID is an infection of a woman's pelvic organs. It is caused by bacteria, which can travel from a woman's vagina and cervix up into her pelvic organs. If left untreated, PID can lead to infertility (not being able to get pregnant) and ectopic pregnancy (pregnancy in the fallopian tube instead of the uterus). Both BV and PID can lead to serious problems during pregnancy, such as infection in the baby, problems with labor, and early delivery. (So a stinky a pussy, is a happy pussy, huh?)
What effects will douching have on pregnancy? (Will I drown my baby?!)
Douching after sex does not prevent pregnancy. But, research has shown that douching may affect a woman's ability to get pregnant. In women trying to become pregnant, those who douched the most often (more than once per week) had the lowest pregnancy rate. Other research has shown a link between frequent douching and having low birth-weight babies.(What?! Slim-Fast for fetuses?!) Studies also show that douching greatly increases the chance of ectopic pregnancy, which can be a life-threatening condition. Ectopic pregnancy is when the fertilized egg attaches inside of the fallopian tube instead of in the uterus.
What is the healthiest and safest way to clean the vagina? (Is Lava soap not an option?!)
Because the chemical balance of the vagina is very sensitive, it is best to let the vagina clean itself. The vagina takes care of cleaning itself naturally through secretions of mucous.(Wow! Like a self-cleaning oven!) Warm water and gentle, unscented soap during the bath or shower is the best way to clean the outside areas of the vagina. Products like feminine hygiene soaps, powders and sprays are not necessary, and may be harmful. (So I shouldn't use Thompson's Water Seal?!)
It is important to see your health care provider right away when you have any vaginal pain, itching, burning, or a foul odor; pain when urinating; a vaginal discharge that is not normal, such as thick and white (like cottage cheese) or yellowish-green.(Cottage cheese?! What the fuck?!) You may have a yeast infection, urinary tract infection, or bacterial infection, all of which can be treated.(So get your pussy tuned-up and rotated every 3,ooo miles?!) Do not clean the vagina or douche before an exam with a health care provider. This will wash away the vaginal discharge, which helps the health care provider to determine the type of infection. (Before you go to the doctor, let your stuff marinate?! Good advice,man! Thanks, bitch!)
However, the information in red, is clearly for my own enjoyment.
What is douching? (Yeah,man! What is douching?!)
Douching is rinsing or cleaning out the vagina (also called the birth canal) by squirting water or other solutions (such as vinegar, baking soda, or douching solutions you can buy at drug and grocery stores)(sounds like your makin' a salad to me, man!) into the vagina. The water or solutions are held in a bottle and squirted into the vagina through tubing and a nozzle.
Why do women douche? (Yeah, man! What's their problem?!)
Douching is a practice that is thought to have been around since ancient times.(You mean cavewomen douched, man?! Now I'm impressed!) Reasons women have given for using douches include to: rinse away blood after a menstrual period; clean the vagina after sex to avoid sexually transmitted diseases (STDs) and wash away semen to prevent pregnancy; and reduce odors. (Odors should have been the FIRST reason, man!)
How common is douching? (Yeah, man! Does my grandma know about this shit?!)
Douching is a common practice among women in the United States - 37% of American women between the ages of 15 to 44 douche regularly. Of these women, about half douche on a weekly basis. (Damn! That's a lot of douche bottles!)
Is douching safe? (Can I douche while I'm driving to work?!)
Health care providers do not recommend douching to clean the vagina. Douching changes the delicate chemical balance in the vagina (and the vaginal flora), which can make a woman more prone to bacterial infections. It also can spread existing vaginal or cervical infections up into the pelvic organs (uterus, fallopian tubes, and ovaries). (Damn, baby!)
Research shows that women who douche on a routine basis tend to have more problems than women who do not douche or who rarely douche. These problems include vaginal irritation, infections (called bacterial vaginosis or BV), and sexually transmitted diseases (STDs). Women who douche often are also more at risk for getting pelvic inflammatory disease (PID).(Douching with a turkey baster doesn't help either, man!) PID is an infection of a woman's pelvic organs. It is caused by bacteria, which can travel from a woman's vagina and cervix up into her pelvic organs. If left untreated, PID can lead to infertility (not being able to get pregnant) and ectopic pregnancy (pregnancy in the fallopian tube instead of the uterus). Both BV and PID can lead to serious problems during pregnancy, such as infection in the baby, problems with labor, and early delivery. (So a stinky a pussy, is a happy pussy, huh?)
What effects will douching have on pregnancy? (Will I drown my baby?!)
Douching after sex does not prevent pregnancy. But, research has shown that douching may affect a woman's ability to get pregnant. In women trying to become pregnant, those who douched the most often (more than once per week) had the lowest pregnancy rate. Other research has shown a link between frequent douching and having low birth-weight babies.(What?! Slim-Fast for fetuses?!) Studies also show that douching greatly increases the chance of ectopic pregnancy, which can be a life-threatening condition. Ectopic pregnancy is when the fertilized egg attaches inside of the fallopian tube instead of in the uterus.
What is the healthiest and safest way to clean the vagina? (Is Lava soap not an option?!)
Because the chemical balance of the vagina is very sensitive, it is best to let the vagina clean itself. The vagina takes care of cleaning itself naturally through secretions of mucous.(Wow! Like a self-cleaning oven!) Warm water and gentle, unscented soap during the bath or shower is the best way to clean the outside areas of the vagina. Products like feminine hygiene soaps, powders and sprays are not necessary, and may be harmful. (So I shouldn't use Thompson's Water Seal?!)
It is important to see your health care provider right away when you have any vaginal pain, itching, burning, or a foul odor; pain when urinating; a vaginal discharge that is not normal, such as thick and white (like cottage cheese) or yellowish-green.(Cottage cheese?! What the fuck?!) You may have a yeast infection, urinary tract infection, or bacterial infection, all of which can be treated.(So get your pussy tuned-up and rotated every 3,ooo miles?!) Do not clean the vagina or douche before an exam with a health care provider. This will wash away the vaginal discharge, which helps the health care provider to determine the type of infection. (Before you go to the doctor, let your stuff marinate?! Good advice,man! Thanks, bitch!)
My REDBOOK Horoscope
SCORPIO
October23-November23
Romantic Venus stays in your house of sex until the 7th, inspiring you with tender love moves. Innovative Mercury fills you with ideas to keep the kids busy, while the ambitious Sun urges you to spearhead a neighborhood charity drive.
Hmm...let me get my Redbook to English Dictionary. First of all, I could only dream of having a "house of sex", and secondly, my wife would probably not appreciate "Romantic Venus" staying there. As for "Innovative Mercury", I would not consider this person a friend, since he is encouraging me to "keep the kids busy" and I have no kids to speak of. Whose kids? The neighbor's kids? And the only way I could keep them busy would cause me to have to register as a convicted sex offender. Lastly, I'm too lazy to do charity, let alone spearhead any charity! I think this horoscope is either wrong, or some kids will stay in my house of sex and I'll have to spearhead a charity to raise money for their therapy.
October23-November23
Romantic Venus stays in your house of sex until the 7th, inspiring you with tender love moves. Innovative Mercury fills you with ideas to keep the kids busy, while the ambitious Sun urges you to spearhead a neighborhood charity drive.
Hmm...let me get my Redbook to English Dictionary. First of all, I could only dream of having a "house of sex", and secondly, my wife would probably not appreciate "Romantic Venus" staying there. As for "Innovative Mercury", I would not consider this person a friend, since he is encouraging me to "keep the kids busy" and I have no kids to speak of. Whose kids? The neighbor's kids? And the only way I could keep them busy would cause me to have to register as a convicted sex offender. Lastly, I'm too lazy to do charity, let alone spearhead any charity! I think this horoscope is either wrong, or some kids will stay in my house of sex and I'll have to spearhead a charity to raise money for their therapy.
Information for the Patient
Zelnorm(tegaserod maleate) "Be yourself again"
If you have recurring abdominal pain or discomfort, bloating and constipation, you may have a treatable medical condition called IBS with constipation.
Ask your doctor about getting relief with Zelnorm, the #1 prescription medicine for the symptons of IBS with constipation.
Information for the patient
Rx only
Read this information carefully before taking Zelnorm. Read the information you get each time you get more Zelnorm. There may be new information. This information does not take the place of talking to your doctor about your medical condition or treatment.
What is the most important information I should know about Zelnorm?
If you get new or worse abdominal (stomach) pain, or blood in your stools, stop taking Zelnorm right away and tell your doctor. Your doctor may have to do tests to find out if you have a serious problem.
Sometimes Zelnorm causes diarrhea. Stop taking Zelnorm and call your doctor right away if you get so much diarrhea that you get light-headed, dizzy, or faint.
If you have recurring abdominal pain or discomfort, bloating and constipation, you may have a treatable medical condition called IBS with constipation.
Ask your doctor about getting relief with Zelnorm, the #1 prescription medicine for the symptons of IBS with constipation.
Information for the patient
Rx only
Read this information carefully before taking Zelnorm. Read the information you get each time you get more Zelnorm. There may be new information. This information does not take the place of talking to your doctor about your medical condition or treatment.
What is the most important information I should know about Zelnorm?
If you get new or worse abdominal (stomach) pain, or blood in your stools, stop taking Zelnorm right away and tell your doctor. Your doctor may have to do tests to find out if you have a serious problem.
Sometimes Zelnorm causes diarrhea. Stop taking Zelnorm and call your doctor right away if you get so much diarrhea that you get light-headed, dizzy, or faint.
Well, I think that's all I needed to know!
source:Novartis Pharmaceuticals Corp.
april 2004
Monday, August 9, 2004
Stone-Aged Remote Control
I recently got married to a wonderful woman. Since our wedding date I have still not met all my new relatives. Lately, my wife's sister came into town with her family. This was a landmark meeting, since her sister was only able to come alone to the wedding, and I hadn't met any of the rest of them. When they arrived, we exchanged greetings and hugs. Then all the women took a trip to the mall together. I was designated with watching her youngest nephew, Sam. I think he's about 8 years old, I'm not exactly sure. He was coloring in the living room in front of the television. I asked him to pass the remote, but he just kept coloring. I spoke up a little louder, but still he was ignoring me. At this point, I was getting a little angry. I yelled "Hey, retard!" and still I got no response. I got off the couch and put my face in his. He looked at me like he was scared. "What's your deal, kid?" I said in a hard tone. He made a weird grunt of a sound. That's when I realized.... he was a deaf mute. I felt horrible at this point, and left the room. It took a few minutes, but I found a way to reach the child on his level. I wrote different commands on tennis balls, and whenever I needed something, I would just strike him in the back of the head with a fastball. I want to change the channel, so let me get my "change channel" ball, and interact with my new nephew. :::strikes deaf mute in skull::: I think I'm becoming Sam's favorite new uncle.
Friday, August 6, 2004
Rick James R.I.P.(a tribute)
:::Rick James ascends to Heaven and meets St. Peter:::
St. Peter: State your name, please.
Rick James: I'm Rick James!
St. Peter: Rick...James?
Rick James: I'm one of the best lookin' motherfuckas ya' ever seen. I'm the best singer on the planet. Hold my drink, bitch!
St. Peter: I don't think your in the book!
Rick James: What nigga! I'm Rick James, bitch!
St. Peter: I'm afraid your going to have to go to hell, I'm sorry.
Rick James: ::starts singing as he descends through the clouds:: Cold Blooded!
St. Peter: State your name, please.
Rick James: I'm Rick James!
St. Peter: Rick...James?
Rick James: I'm one of the best lookin' motherfuckas ya' ever seen. I'm the best singer on the planet. Hold my drink, bitch!
St. Peter: I don't think your in the book!
Rick James: What nigga! I'm Rick James, bitch!
St. Peter: I'm afraid your going to have to go to hell, I'm sorry.
Rick James: ::starts singing as he descends through the clouds:: Cold Blooded!
A Wrestlemania Moment
When I was a kid I was a huge wrestling fan. Once, when I was 7 years old my mother got tickets to Wrestlemania 3! I was so excited to see all the WWF Superstars who would be performing that night. My favorite wrestler of all, was Hulk Hogan. I wanted to meet the "Hulkster" so bad, that I snuck away from my seat and scurried backstage to the locker rooms. Around the second corner, I found the door that said "Hulk Hogan". Just then, I heard a struggle inside the room! I placed my ear to the door, and heard the sounds of female screams! I grabbed the doorknob, and took a deep breath. My heart was pounding in my ears. As I opened the door, a lumbering figure knocked me to the ground on his way out of the room. It was Andre the Giant. He walked off with a strange smile on his face. I then noticed, hunched on the floor crying, Hulk Hogan trying to cover himself with his torn shirt. "Are you okay, Hulk?" I said sadly. "He fuckin' raped me again, brother!" he stated through his tears. "What ya' gonna do when the biggest queer in the world runs wild on you!" At that moment I ran back to my seat, scarred for life.
Racial Scent Profiling
White people smell like bleach, mayonnaise or fancy cologne.
Black people smell like lotion, fried foods or fancy cologne.
Hispanic people smell like too much cologne.
Asian people have no particular smell.
Retarded people smell like cabbage.
Black people smell like lotion, fried foods or fancy cologne.
Hispanic people smell like too much cologne.
Asian people have no particular smell.
Retarded people smell like cabbage.
Wednesday, August 4, 2004
The Adventures of God-Man and Jesus-Boy!
When I masturbate I cry uncontrollably. I think it's because my religion tells me that masturbation is a sin and is considered self-abuse. I want to please my Lord and savior, but my penis told me he IS my Lord and savior, and that if I don't listen to him I'll be damned to an eternity without vagina. My Pastor tells me that my penis is a false prophet, but I'm not sure. Lately I think my penis has been trying to convince me otherwise. He's been wearing a robe and grown his hair out, much like Jesus himself. When I question his motives, he slaps me and calls me a "nonbeliever". What am I to do in this situation? Until I figure it out, I guess I'll just continue to cry like a 5 year old girl lost in the mall, whenever I massage my genitals.
Superman
"There's something I have to tell you, Lois..........I don't know exactly how to tell you this, but here goes. I'm Clarke Kent and Superman. Clarke Kent is my secret identity.........Why are you laughing? What do you mean you've known all along?!..........Bullshit, I was wearing glasses, I looked completely different!.......... Bitch!
Monday, August 2, 2004
My Theory of Sexual Expansion
Today, I finally put my theory of Sexual Expansion into action, and proved my hypothesis to be fact. I wrapped my hamster in electrical tape. Then, I commenced to fornicate with the tiny mammal. After ejaculation, the animal was still alive. Unlike the previous test subject, who exploded like a rat in a microwave. So my theory, that electrical tape would reduce expansion and risk of hamster detonation, was proven to be scientific fact. And my brother tried to say my laboratory was a joke, who's laughing now!?
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