I can remember when Ashley was still sleeping in her crib and we shared a room, my mom would lay Ashley down to go to sleep and she would wait for our mom to leave the room to climb out. I was lying in bed on the other side of the room with my head on my pillow, watching Ashley shimmy her chubby little body down the side of the crib to the floor. Sure enough, five minutes later mom was putting her back in the crib telling her to go to sleep. After mom would stand there for a moment and watch Ashley, she would leave the room. Then her little head would pop-up again. She pretended to fall asleep. Again she would shimmy over the rail and get to the floor and sneak back downstairs. And again five minutes later mom would bring her back into her crib, then raising the rail as high as it would set. Then mom would actually watch Ashley for about fifteen minutes. Then she would go back downstairs . . . yeah, Ashley would get up and still climb out of the crib.
Besides never wanting to go to sleep when she was suppose to Ashley would also like to be the one to be missing and when mom or someone would find her she would always be doing something she shouldn’t be doing.
There was period of time in the late 80s when my mom and us were living on the farm of my brother Josh’s dad. The place was huge, land, barns, silos, corn fields, tractors, sheep, horses, cows, dogs, snakes, ducks, the whole deal. Ashley was constantly disappearing, and we would be ordered to find her. At first, it was hard to find her, but after awhile I began to see the pattern and knew where to find her. All I had to do was go out to the red wood barn behind the house because that’s where the dry dog food was. Ashley liked to eat the dog food (she would kill me if she read this!). Once, I caught her eating dog food, sitting Indian-style by the bowl with her back to the door. There was a large knothole in the door and I stuck my head through it to get her attention. She got up and ran out of the barn, but my head was stuck in the door. I remember Josh’s dad putting his foot on the door and pushing while he had his hands around my ankles, my legs in the air, to yank me out.
The moment Josh was born we were not with Josh’s dad and we were back in Cumberland. Ashley was a little older but was still chubby with short wire-y black hair (back then we called her Chippy because mom said she had chipmunk cheeks). And it’s also when Ashley seemed to go through a “bathroom” phase of sorts. She would disappear as usual, but she would always end up in the bathroom. She would either be covered in hand lotion from head-to-toe or she would be sticking or flushing something down the toilet. Once, my mom actually found Ashley with her head IN the toilet and her legs sticking up the air. I can recall one time that my mom was holding a VHS tape and pointing a blow dryer at it, praying, because Ashley decided to take a movie rental and put in the toilet for some reason.
A little while past that time Ashley got into her more obnoxious phase of stealing change. I couldn’t leave ten damned pennies on my dresser without them vanishing moments later. But it wasn’t just my change, it was everyone’s change. She had a piggy bank in her room and once the money got in there, you couldn’t get it out. So if she got some money and put it in her bank it was hers and that was it. Once I caught her leaving my room as I walking up the stairs. “What do you got?!” I said.
“Nuthin’”
I noticed her chubby little paw clenched shut by her side.
“Gimme my money, Ashley!”
“No!”
She started running towards her room but I caught her and pulled her little hand open and got my 75 cents back. It was a small victory to say the least because I’m sure she had about ten dollars of my money in that bank. When I walked out of the room we both gave each other this look that said,”This is far from over, pal”.
I believe it was after that period of time that Ashley started showing her rebellious side in school. Around that time, in elementary school, she bit the Principal, ran away and hid until it was time to go home.
She also started going over to our neighbor’s house more often and was, in a way, almost adopted into their family. We lived next door to Mary and her daughters Nissa and Angel. They’re great people, and we would come over to play Atari games (remember Atari, kids?). We all would go over there from time to time, but Ashley was always there, spending the night on the weekends, going shopping, and a bunch of stuff I probably can’t think of because I wouldn’t know about it because I was out riding my bike and doing something completely different. It would be the beginning of a lifelong friendship and family for Ashley. She also seemed to finally get away from being a chubby little girl and was getting taller and skinnier and becoming a young woman.
A few years later, we had moved across town and I was nearing the end of high school, and Ashley was in high school too, but she was going to the alternative school because she got into trouble too many times. I was actually mad about the alternative school thing because I thought it like a damn reward! She gets in trouble, so they send her to a school that makes you do less work, and you only to have to go for half a day. Of course, she still got in trouble there, and she got to go half a day only three times a week! What?! Whatever.
Around that time, however, me and Ashley started to hang out with each other a little more. Although, she would still swipe things, like my Limp Bizkit CD and my blue double chamber bong with the slide hitter. I got so mad I actually went to my mom and told her that Ashley stole my bong (that is the most embarrassing white trash sentence I’ve ever written about myself). I never saw either one again. That was also the same time period when I had $15 sitting on my dresser and it went missing. I go into my sister’s room and there she was sitting on the bed listening to music. “What do you want?” she said.
“You know what, my $15.”
“I didn’t take your money” she said in a way that I knew she was lying. And I think she knew it too.
I was so frustrated, that I simply threatened to break all her CDs if she didn’t give me my money back.
“Fine then.” she said. She had all kinds of pictures all over her bedroom wall. So many in fact, that she even had pictures on the ceiling. She stood up on the bed and reach inside a collage she had made in the shape of the Wu-Tang Clan symbol and gave me my money.
We were both doing the wrong things at the time. We were both smoking weed and drinking with friends. But, we were also talking with each other when we weren’t swiping something from each other. I remember one Friday night Ashley was actually at the house (a rare occasion even on a weeknight) and I told her I had some beer in the bedroom. She told me she had some weed. So, we went into my bedroom, turned on the black light and played Al Green on the stereo real low. I had a six pack of Budweiser under the bed. We sat there in the dark drinking and smoking, talking softly and giggling. This was also during the period of time that I had to share a room with my younger brother Josh. While we were doing this, Josh was actually sleeping on the bed above us. The room was filled with smoke. I remember turning to Ashley, pointing upward and saying,”He’s gonna have some f*cked up dreams tonight!”, and laughing together. Josh knows about it now, but let me still say again - Sorry, Josh.
Also, around this time Ashley went through probably the wildest period I can think of. She was doing things that I knew better than to try, like huffing. Without a doubt, the most surreal moment I can think of in my life occurred during this period of time.
I had been out partying, getting stone cold destroyed with my friends Matt and Freddy. Well, when we got back to my street for Matt to drop me off, the entire street (and I’m not exaggerating) was covered with police patrol cars up and down the entire street, sitting there with their lights going. Matt and Freddy made some joke about them being at my house and let me out and drove off. I started walking up the street with my CD book under my arm, my eyes bloodshot, and high as a kite. I get halfway up the street when I hear screams and I look up to see my mom running towards me. “Rene! Rene! It’s Ashley, they can’t find her!”
I looked in front of me and saw the police going through a car parked on the side of the street. All four doors were open and plastic bags were laying on the ground at each door.
“Ashley and some other kids were huffing, and someone called the police and they ran! They’ve found everyone except Ashley! She’s out there somewhere in the woods, Rene!” she said almost crying and pleading.
At about this time a police officer walked up to me and was giving me a hard look. “Who are you?”
“He’s her brother,” my mom said.
“I-I’m her brother,” I stammered, feeling trapped in The Twilight Zone from this situation and my current state.
“Were you in the car?” he asked.
“No,” I said, and then turned to mom and told her I going up to the house.
As I was about halfway to the house, there was a commotion behind me. I turned to see Ashley had staggered out of the woods and collapsed on the sidewalk. She had leaves in her hair, and was groaning at my mom pushing her hands away.
“I my God, Ashley! Are you okay?!” my mom said still almost crying.
“Uuuugh, leave me alone!,” Ashley said squirming around on the sidewalk.
They put her in an ambulance and took her to the hospital for observation. Ashley didn’t want to be there, however, and I was told they had to put a straightjacket on her. It was the most bizarre scene I’ve ever been in and being as stoned as I was made it just that much more insane in my mind.
Not too long after that Ashley had starting making contact with her father. He lived in California and wanted to bring Ashley out there to live with him and his family. I believe I was already in Florida at the time. I spoke to her a few times when she was out there and she seemed to really like it. She eventually came back to Maryland, and slowly started getting her priorities together and was doing well for herself. She finally finished high school, was working, and quit doing the destructive things she had been doing. I’m not sure why, but it seems like Michael, Ashley, and myself have all gone through almost the exact same arc in our lives.
I came back to Cumberland for Christmas in 2003. When I did, I stayed with my sister Ashley. She was living with her boyfriend at the time, Michael Bobo (what’s up, Bobo?). My first night back in Cumberland, Bobo talks me into partying with him. I hadn’t done much partying in almost two years and I over compensated that night. I ended up sick as a dog and throwing up. Ashley wasn’t drinking , she just watched me get wasted and seemed to think it was funny how light-weight I had gotten. She watched me for most of the night and was wiping my face with a cool rag. I felt like such a douche.
I had a good time that Christmas with Ashley and the rest of the family. I got my Cheech and Chong bobble heads that year and a couple of their DVDs. Ashley enjoyed the skit, E.T. - Eddie Torres: The Extra-Testicle, on Still Smokin’. I remember one night I also let Ashley drive my Ford Explorer to the super market in the snow. I stood at the window for almost a half hour because I’d never actually seen her drive, and I didn’t really think about it until after I gave her the keys. She came back fine though.
A few days later, I was leaving and the last person I saw was Ashley. She gave me a hug at my car and said,”I love you. Drive safe.”
I said,”I love you, too. I will.”
I wouldn’t see any of the family again until my wedding in May 2005 when everyone came down.
Ashley had come down with her boyfriend Jason, and her baby girl, my niece, Zahra. Most of the family was staying at my dad’s house, but Ashley and Jason had some money and decided to get a hotel room in Panama City Beach. Later that day, Ashley came over to the church to see us all and talk. During the conversation she asked me if I knew if the Hotels around Panama City Beach would give their money back if they decided to go somewhere else. They had only checked-in that day. I told them that most of the Hotels were pretty ruthless. Then Ashley asked me,”Is there any way they would give us our money back?”
And when she asked, I remembered a story a co-worker once told me and I jokingly said,”Yeah, tell them that your baby found a used condom under the bed and that you just want to check-out. They’ll give you your money back then.”
Later that night, at the rehearsal, Ashley came over to me and said in a giggle,”It worked. I told them my baby found a used condom and we got our money back!”. That was Ashley. She wouldn’t have a problem saying something like that to a desk clerk.
After the wedding I went by my dad’s house on the way out of town on our honeymoon to say goodbye to everyone and I gave her a big hug and said,”I love you,” just like before. We kept in touch on the phone and during the holidays after that, but that was the last time I ever saw my sister in person until the funeral this past October. I’ll never forget that moment or those days during my wedding.
She came back to Cumberland after that. Later Ashley and Jason separated and she was living on her own working as a manager at a tire retailer, raising Zahra and beginning to make her life until she was taken away too soon in a completely thoughtless vehicle accident.
I don’t talk about it enough because I’m usually being silly, but I truly believe in the Lord Jesus Christ and God. I wasn’t saved when I started this blog, but I have been for awhile now and I was saved before this tragedy occurred. When I was first told that Ashley was gone, I naturally sobbed and cried for the longest time. And then I began to ask God why (which is pointless, it’s God plan). And after that, I began to worry about Ashley because I never had the chance to talk to her about God, and I honestly was tormented by that fact for many nights when I couldn’t sleep. Then, when I finally got to Cumberland, we went over to Ashley’s apartment. It was exactly what I expected from Ashley, it was a beautiful place inside. And I was still thinking about it. I needed something to tell me that Ashley was in God’s hands. Then I walked into the kitchen looking around. And I saw a large stone cross on the wall over the table with a light on it, and inscribed into the cross was The Lord’s Prayer. I hadn’t told anyone in my family what I had been thinking, but when I saw it, I began to cry and my wife knew what I was feeling.
This is probably the longest thing I’ve written for the blog, but it’s still not long enough to tell the entire story of my sister’s life. I’ll carry her with me always and I know the rest of my family will too.
She was a strong, independent, intelligent and beautiful woman. She was a wonderful daughter, sister, and mother. Ashley was a beam of light in every room she entered. There are people who may have been with us longer, but have not touched more people or lived a fuller life than Ashley Marie Merced. Anyone who truly knew or loved Ashley would tell you that without hesitation. She was so full of life that even now I know she will still be with us for the rest of our lives. It hurts to not have Ashley with us now, but I know it’s only temporary because the Lord called her home and it was her time to enter the Kingdom of Heaven. Which is why we should all be looking forward to seeing her again when our life’s journey comes to an end. - Rene Merced Jr, Eulogy at the service
Finally home, news
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