My experiment

I've perfected the process!!!




Success!!! After years of hard work and study, I've finally master the science of human cloning. This clone (pictured on the left) is nicknamed "Smeagol" because he is my precious. And also because he is my slave. I will never work again, as "Smeagol" will secretly replace me at my job for the rest of my life! Also, I will have easy access to "spare parts" when I get older.



In a way, I feel sorry for "Smeagol". His life will be filled with thankless pain and suffering in the pursuit of MY happiness. On the other hand, I don't really care because I'm evil and lazy.

The Bronze Broads

I was watching the Lifetime channel this morning and I caught some Golden Girls reruns. I enjoyed the simplistic formula, but entertaining episodes. Then I realized,"HEY!!! THEY'RE ALL STILL ALIVE?!?!?!"



My money is on Bea Arthur (Dorothy), as the first one to croak. I could see her in the supermarket squeezing an eggplant, having a stroke, and crashing through a jell-o pudding display.



Estelle Getty (Sophia) was my favorite. She hasn't done much since the show besides the movie, "Stop Or My Mom Will Shoot".



Betty White (Rose) has probably been the most successful by playing a bunch of cursing old lady roles (Hard Rain, Lake Placid, etc.).



And Rhue Maclanahan (Blanche) is still the only one I would have sex with. I'm sure most guys wouldn't even consider having sex with any of them, but then again, What would you do if you had to? You don't know. But I do, because I've taken the time to think about it, and have prepared myself for the future.

Norrin Radd Goes To The Mayor

Holy crap! The Mayor wants me to write an article on gourmet cooking for the blog. What do I know about gourmet cooking?


That's it! I've got it. It was right in front of me the whole time.


Mmmm!


Another successful blog entry, and the Mayor is satisfied!

Chicken, creamy chicken, beef, oriental, pork, shrimp, etc.

What kicks ass? Ramen noodles, that's what!






I love Ramen noodles. They're one of the most ingenious creations of the 20th century. Why can't all delicious meals be as easy to prepare? Boil water, add noodles, add flavor pack, enjoy. They should make sex dolls that work that way. Put the bag in the tub, turn on the hot water, add asian-hottie flavoring, insert...



I remember when I was single, living in a house with four other people (sounds like a bad sitcom, it was a bad reality). We would get together and go shopping. I think half the food budget was ear-marked for Ramen noodles. I mean when you're just getting started on your own, and you've got a shit job while going to school, what else can you afford? Plus, do you really care? You're in your early 20s. You can operate just fine on 4 hours sleep, some Cheetos, and a half a beer for weeks at a time. I know I did.



When you love something, you also notice it's flaws. What the hell is Oriental flavoring made of?! And what is so Oriental about it (tastes like a spicier pork, to me)? And Shrimp flavor should change it's name to Fish-smell flavor. Of course, how many miracles can come out of a packet the size of drive-thru ketchup? I will however, praise Creamy Chicken as the most delicious Ramen noodle.



Another negative aspect to this inexpensive food item (less than a quarter!), is something I call "Ramen Burn-out". When you're spending all your money on tuition, alcohol, and questionable females, you tend to get lazy and buy nothing else. Which, leads to eating Ramen noodles for fuckin' weeks at a time! I enjoy them as much as anyone could (who isn't pure white-trash), but I still need variety and several flavors of Ramen is NOT what I mean. I went through a period of time where I actually had dreams about Ramen noodles! That reminds me of the Patton Oswalt joke about eating too many Ramen noodles. He had a dream he was buying an entire shopping cart full of noodles. Just when he was about to check out with his six-month supply of Ramen, Charlton Heston burts into the supermarket screaming,"Ramen noodles are people! Ramen noodles are people!"(referencing the movie Soylent Green. If you don't know, check it out)



In short, I'm gonna go make some Ramen noodles. I beleive today feels like a Pork day. What do you think?

Adult Swim®

I like cartoons. In particular, I like funny cartoons. And Adult Swim® is usually funny. I like most of the line-up. ATHF and Sealab 2021, of course. Harvey Birdman, etc.





One of the newest shows is Tom Goes To The Mayor. I think it's my new favorite show on Adult Swim. Tom Peters is such a fuckin' push-over, and Jefferton is so fucked up, it reminds me of my hometown. Plus, the Mayor is half retarded and makes Tom do everything. I knew this was gonna be my kind of show when I saw Bob Odenkirk ("Mr. Show with Bob and David") in the credits. So far, it's been a great show.





On the other hand, I can't stand Super Milk Chan. It's the stupidest fuckin' piece of shit since Cop Rock (and I don't mean funny:stupid. I mean Bob Saget:stupid). If someone out there likes this show, please try to explain why. I hope it gets cancelled very soon. And if you do like it, as Super Milk Chan says,"You DUMBASS!"

More absorbent than the leading brand

Remember those little pill-like capsules you used to get out of the vending machine as a child, you would pour water on them or put them in the sink and they would grow into an animal or whatever, made out of sponge? Well, I was watching a Tampon commercial on TV and I started thinking. Why can't they combine these two technologies? At least then, when I go into the bathroom and find one still floating in the toilet, I could see a dinosaur or a race car staring back at me. I think I would prefer that to the angry used tampon I'm greeted with now. Sometimes, when I lift the seat, the tampon belts out, "What are you lookin' at, asshole?! Flush me so I can get out of this creep joint! I wanna hit the bars, enjoy the night life... I wanna paint the town RED!!!,"

(TOILET FLUSHES)

Maybe I should develop a proto-type. Now, all I have to do is convince my wife to test it out.

Cheaters!©

Once in a while, I watch some very low-ball TV programming. Since, Saturday afternoon holds nothing of substance, it's even easier to come across some scum-suckin'-garbage entertainment.



So, Cheaters was on TV. I watched the entire episode and felt kind of dirty , but more so, I was saddened by the fact that I had caompletely enjoyed the experience.






This poor fuck is a cable guy, and his girlfriend got some new titties. Afterword, she went on the warpath, gobbling up cock and balls left and right! He busted her doing some dude on the living room floor. He got pissed, and broke a television with a baseball bat. It was great. At the end of the show they said he was considering getting a mail-order bride since American women were all skanky and slutty. I won't argue with him on that.