A Testimonial

Man, I'm so fat. The other day when I was putting on my shoes, I fell down and killed my family. I got up, err...I rolled off of them, as soon as I my gelatoneous veiny folds whistled through the air toward the floor. I heard my son Waldo scream out in horror, as my shadow engulfed him. It sounded like someone dropped a bowl of pudding, when my sweaty lard sac(stomach) devoured my loved ones. When I finally was able to gain my footing and look down at my Wife, Brandine, and our twin daughters, Gertrude and Steinberg, they weren't on the floor. I turned around and looked at the floor in disbelief. Then, I realized...they were still stucked to the front of me, like life-sized stickers. That's when I decided to go on the Subway diet. Fuckin' A, Jared!