When I first met Joel it was at Leslie’s apartment. We walked in and sitting at the couch was a skinny white teenager who looked no older than 14 with a smile that comes with drinking too much malt liquor and a speaking delivery that was pure “wigger”. “I’ll split your wig in seven,” was a popular Joelism.
I didn’t think much of him that night because I thought I would probably never see him again. He made me laugh, was the only real impression I left with. Little did I know, eventually he would be somebody I saw almost everyday.
Joel’s house was only one block away from Leslie’s. It was a large old house on the corner of a street that went up one of the steepest hills in town. The building was actually not that big inside since it had been converted and had four apartments inside. But this would prove to be another blessing for us, since it meant across the hall lived one of our other friend’s, Jeff. Jeff is another story also.
As I mentioned Joel’s mother worked at night so she was never there. Her house became the place to be once she left for work. We would get the older people at the parties to go to the liquor stores and we would give them our money and tell them what we wanted, much like ordering a pizza. Then we would return to Joel’s. (note: When someone gives you money and tells you to buy Budweiser, don’t come back with Miller High Life and explain how you saved them a bunch of money, They won’t want to hear. I know I didn’t!)
People would get drunk, high, and laid in the course of an evening at Joel’s. There would be people not old enough to drive and people near the age of our parents there sometimes. It was a bit weird.
One of my favorite incidents at Joel’s involved Joel himself, getting very drunk and stoned. He was hanging with our friend Jeremy C and getting quite twisted. When some of us saw how decimated Joel really was, we thought we might have some fun with him. He was so wasted he could barely see straight and he came into the kitchen and asked us if there was anything to eat. So, as the kind and thoughtful friends we were, we informed Joel that there was indeed something to eat and that we had saved it just for him. We offered Joel the last chocolate chip cookie in the house. We baked it ourselves solely for his consumption. We handed it to Joel, who was standing right next to Jeremy C, watched him take a long slow bite out of it and tried to contain our laughter. Broken cigarettes and butts were hanging out of every square inch on top of the cookie. Joel took a second even bigger bite. “How is it, Joel?” Freddy asked as composed as he could.
Joel continued to chew and turned to all of us in the kitchen, his eyes like two broken mirrors barely open. “I don’t know, man.... but this is.... the rubbery-ist damn cookie I ever ate!” he said, more as a declaration than in anger.
The room erupted in laughter.
“Joel, that cookie’s got f*ckin’ cigarettes hangin’ out of it, man!” his brother Jeremy told him with a smirk. Joel got a puzzled look on his face, tobacco flakes falling from the side of his mouth while he chewed.
“What?!.... Naaaah.” Joel moaned while still eating.
“Yes! It’s got like half a pack of cigarettes in it!” I said. “You’re still eating it?!”
“It tastes like a cookie to me, man. Sorry.” He ate the whole damned thing.
At that moment it seemed that Jeremy C awoke from his standing coma and stated his outrage toward our treatment of Joel’s hunger.
“Aww! That’s f*cked up, man! That ain’t even right, you guys are f*cked up, man!” Shortly after that, Jeremy C completely passed out, and we didn’t have to hear anymore lecturing from “The Professor”.
I believe that was the same night Joel’s brother Jeremy(not Jeremy C) passed out on his feet and fell forward like Chris Farley at the beginning of Tommy Boy. Except Farley fell through the coffee table and Jeremy just broke the corner off with his face. It looked pretty brutal when it happened, but we just rolled him over. He was still breathing so we said “f*ck it” and kept partying.
(To be continued...)
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