Friday, April 29, 2005

Does Welfare exist in Heaven?

I sometimes ponder unusual subjects. I come across odd little quandries when I let my mind wander with purpose. This time I was thinking about the iconography of the will of God, specifically the tools of God.

To be truly honest though, I was thinking more about my future in the afterlife. I mean, does Heaven have a class system? You wouldn't think so from reading the Bible. Which I would prefer to side with than to believe what is broadcast out of the glowing box in my living room.

Of course, there has to be some kind of dirty work to be done by someone, and what I'm saying is simply, I don't want that job. I want a "cake job", a desk job.


I would rather be Jonathan Smith from Highway to Heaven than Mr. Meiks from Frailty.

And I bet the pay is better, too.

Caution: Geniuses at Work

Cops Nab Men Who Claim To Find Treasure

I saw this story and couldn't believe how fuckin' stupid people could be. Well, I could see how, but sometimes I just don't want to see it so blatantly displayed.

Tuesday, April 26, 2005

Sunday, April 24, 2005

Zombie Blogger

I've been thinking lately about the future of this blog. I've been thinking that in the long run, I don't want to be "Norrin Radd" or the "Silver Surfer". If I want to continue to be myself, that's exactly what I should do. Be myself, and not some moniker or personality.

I haven't decided if I should shut down or vacate this blog and start another one, like Zombie Blogger here, or if I should just reconstruct the current one to fit me, Rene Merced, more.

What do you think? I'm not sure which is the better idea, but I'm certain that I'm going to pursue one or the other in the near future.

The End of Days is UPON US!

Disclaimer: The following post is tasteless, stupid, and terribly not funny. If you feel offended in any way from the following post, then go get on the pot, give me seven Hail Mary's, and you and God can call it even. Yes. I know I'm going to hell. No. I don't care who I take down with me.

Judging from the above picture, I believe that our new Pope, Benedict XVI, is in fact the anti-Christ. I mean, look at him. The seedy little mustache and goatee... the devilish horns... a swastika left over from his youth seared into the flesh of his forehead...

The dude is evil, and the dude is going to kill us all. I mean, honestly. Did we really need another anti-birth control, anti-gay marriage, anti-stem cell research Nazi in one of the most influential offices in the entire world?

Seriously, look at this guy. He's evil, through and through, and he means to kill us all and deliver our souls to Hell. He's going to rip the babies from Mother's arms and eat their flesh while giving off this sinister laugh that echoes through the pits of the Hell for the rest of eternity.

I suggest you all write your Congressmen to try and convince them to get rid of this asshole before he gets rid of the human race. No good can come from this man, none at all.

Join me in my fight to save the world, and humanity to boot!

-LZ



PS - If you took a single word of this seriously, just remember: Jesus may love you, but I think you're a cunt.

Thank you.

Saturday, April 23, 2005

Saturday, April 16, 2005

Stories from the vault: What prison can do to a man

The other day I heard a story from a friend at work and I had to share it because it amused me so much.

This past week I was working with Gene again. He told me a story that just was too funny to keep to myself. I know I've told it to Leroy Zombie already, but I still want to post it on the blog, so that it can stand by itself and never be forgotten.




In the career field of land surveying you come across people from all walks of life. Some are college graduates, while others are former construction workers, and some after that are just from outer space.

Putting a group of guys together to work out of a truck 10+ hours a day, 4-5 days a week, is a good way to get people to talk to each other and learn a little bit about one another. In this case, Gene had learned that the fellow he was working with, we'll call him "D", had been to prison for quite some time. In fact, he had been in prison so long that while he was inside, he had been sexually active with members of the same sex. To be completely specific ~and to not be specific please skip the rest of this sentence~ he had allowed a man to perform oral sex on him, and he had sodomized a man while he was away from female contact. This isn't a news flash by any means, that men have some kind of sexual contact with each other in prison, but the next part of this story was a news flash to Gene.

After learning this information about his fellow crew member, Gene was sent out-of-town to do a job with "D" and another man named Joey. The three of them were working together and joking around on a job, when Gene learned what kind of long lasting effects prison can have on a man.

"D", the former prisoner was standing near the back of the work truck while Gene was sitting on the curb only a few feet away and to the side of "D". At the same time, Joey was making a joke. He had turned away form Gene and "D" and was doing a little silly dance, shaking his ass from side to side. At that same moment, Gene said he noticed "D"s pants bulge and rise in the front, as his dick started to get hard. Gene jumped up from his crotch-level seating and took a few steps back. It would seem that "D"s prison activities had left a lasting mark and Gene was taken aback by the inflation in "D"s jeans. I suppose anyoenwould unless they had been in lock-up for a few years,

A few minutes later he informed Joey of what he saw. And this scared the hell of the guy because he was sharing a hotel room... with "D".

"I'm not fuckin' sharing a room with that motherfucker!" he said with the fear of God and a possible prison-style rape, in his mind. Alabama guys are not known for their social tolerance and acceptance of alternative lifestyles. I would think in this case, however, it would seem to be more of an animalistic hunger to ravage another beings purity with a savage and ugly insertion than an actual lifestyle.

"Well, I don't know what to tell ya. I'm in a room with Michael and I'm not changing rooms," Gene was basically saying that since he was lucky enough to have a roommate without "rough edges" that this was not his problem, and that he wasn't about to allow it to become one.

As far as anyone knows, Joey made it through the week unharmed and untainted. If "D" did give him any kind of a work-out he decided to keep it a secret locked in his mind, only to be revisited when he would try to dance again, and wonder how many penises in the club had suddenly been effected by the shake of his hips.

A poem: Wal-Mart shopper

Attention Wal-Mart shoppers,
Please comb your hair, please brush your teeth,
Please don't squeeze your 400 lb. wife's ass in the check-out line,
Your family is disgustingly similar to livestock

Attention Wal-Mart shoppers,
If you walk into me by exiting out of the entrance door I'll kill you,
I don't want the squeaky cart,
Quit giving me the squeaky cart,
Why did you give me the fuckin' squeaky cart?

Attention Wal-Mart shoppers,
An elderly woman crossing the parking lot crosswalk almost got killed by some teenagers in a pick-up truck,
Who the fuck bought me a rap album at Wal-Mart?,

Attention Wal-Mart shoppers,
The mullet will never die,
The elderly greeter likes to give me smiley stickers,
The teenage cashier likes to charge me twice and forget to give me all my bags,
Sam Walton has triggered the End of Days

Saturday, April 9, 2005

Inspirational School Poster: Theft

Stories from the vault: Going to Hell

This story isn't something from years ago, but only a few days ago. I don't usually write about newer stories in SFTV, but I've decided to branch out in other directions. Plus, I never keep a format pure for very long. I'm too restless in my thoughts not to break structure, even my own.



Lately, at my job things have been changing quickly and dramatically. I work as a Surveyor for a large Southeastern corporation. We do all kinds of work from construction stake-out, to large boundary surveys, it's never boring. It can get dirty, but never boring. I'm not saying it's a tough job, but I will say most people can't handle killing 6' rattlers and wading waist deep in swamps with water moccasins just so they can have a map of some property to build another Wal-Mart. I've been in jungle so thick Indiana Jones would say,"Fuck this shit!"

My job title on the field crew is "Instrument Man", which basically means I run the machinery involved in the job (the survey instrument, the data collector) while the Crew Chief maps out our "game plan" and moves the prism target around the job for me. It's basically second in command. Of course, there's really only three spots on a field crew anyway (Crew Chief, Instrument Man, Rod Man), but it takes a decent amount of knowledge to be anything besides a Rod Man who just holds a prism pole.

So anyway, I've been working lately with Gene from the Mobile office since everyone in my local office left the company and I'm the only local field guy left. You need at least two guys to do a job, and they've been sending guys like Gene from other offices down to ours. I like Gene, he's very laid back. The first time I saw him I thought I might be in trouble having to work with him, however. He cuts a very different first impression than his true personality, mainly because of his physical presence. A 6' tall frame of a man built like an oak barrel and a dip of chewing tobacco in his mouth. His skins a few shades above pale and lightly freckled and his hair isn't red but almost orange and very soft looking and practically translucent, to match his Irish skin tone.

After a few hours of working with him, however, I came to realize he was just a big fellow with a teenagers disposition, and not the no-nonsense hard ass he would initially appear that he would be. We've been working together for at least a month now and getting along like longtime friends.

Recently, we were working out on the main strip of road along Panama City Beach's boardwalk during the Spring Break season. We were doing mortgage surveys for the Alvin's Island Department Stores, just showing the property lines and where the building sits on the property. Of course, while we're working we're also looking. Looking at all the "talent" that walks by us in bikinis and tight clothes enjoying the local sand, sun and nightclubs. At this time of year, half naked college girls are everywhere. Their Spring Break might only last a week, but for us locals, Spring Break lasts about two months. The older locals curse it, while the younger locals count the days until Spring Break every year, and possibly swim in an ocean of visiting hotties.

Well, Gene and I were driving along the strip on our way to get some lunch somewhere. When I noticed a man in a wheelchair coming down the road on the sidewalk. He had on some very ragged clothes, might have been homeless, and he was missing both of his legs at the knees. He was wheeling himself very slowly in the Florida sun looking a little tired.

I turned to Gene who just happened to notice him slowly rolling by while we were sitting at the red light. I turned to Gene and softly said in a very bone dry delivery,"Hey, you think he's here for Spring Break?"

Gene turned his head towards me, and even with his dark sunglasses and hat, I could feel his look. It said to me,"Damn, that was heartless,"

I cracked a slight smirk back at Gene's reaction. It wasn't a victorious smirk, but more of a I-know-it-was-wrong-but-I-couldn't-resist smirk. To which Gene summed up the obvious facts of the moment. "Man, you're going to Hell!"

A few days, later the incident was spoken of again, and Gene confessed he was laughing on the inside, but dared not laugh on the outside so to avoid joining me in Hell.

Wednesday, April 6, 2005

Lotsa dead folks

I've noticed that a lot of people have been croaking with a higher degree of regularity so far this year. Here's a short list:

Saul Bellow, Nobel prize winning author, died April 4 at the age of 89.
Pope John Paul II, Karol Joseph Wojtyla, died April 2 at the age of 84.
Mitch Hedberg, Comedian and actor, died April 1 at the age of 36.
Frank Perdue, Chicken magnate, died April 1 at 84.
Johnnie Cochran, lawyer best known for his work on the O.J. defense, died March 29 at the age of 67.
John Zachary DeLorean, auto executive, died March 19 at the age of 80.
Simone Simon, actress best known for Cat People, died February 22 at the age of 93.
Sandra Dee, actress best known as Gidget, died February 20 at the age of 63.
Hunter S. Thompson, journalist, died February 20 at the age of 67.
Arthur Miller, playwright, died February 10 at the age of 89.
Ossie Davis, actor, died February 4 at the age of 87.
Max Schmeling, boxer, died February 2 at the age of 99.
John Vernon, actor best known as Dean Wormer in National Lampoon's Animal House, died February 2 at the age of 72.
Philip Johnson, architect, died January 25 at the age of 98.
Johnny Carson, talk show host, died January 23 at the age of 79.
Frank Kelly Freas, illustrator, died January 2 at the age of 84.
Shirley Chisholm, first black woman in congress, died January 1 at the age of 80.

note: Terri Schiavo is not on the list because she was not famous... just a famous vegetable.

Inspirational School Poster: Common Sense