Saturday, July 31, 2004

Helping Others Help Themselves

My neighbor called my house yesterday morning. She said that she had fallen off a step ladder while she was painting and that she needed help badly. I took a moment to gather my thoughts. As the humanitarian that I am, the suffering of others truly shakes me to the core. So, I told her to call 911 and not to call me when I'm trying to watch my American Gladiators videos. I immediately felt relief after ending my own human suffering by hanging up on her stupid ass. The next day, I found out she bled to death. If only I could have taught her about calling 911 sooner,............... she never would have bothered me! I'll be sure to tell the next neighbor.

Alec Baldwin

A Los Angeles prostitute is releasing a book called, "I Fucked Alec Baldwin In The Ass". The fact that Alec Baldwin likes to be sodomized or that it is the subject of an entire book, I still haven't decided which one is more disturbing. I doubt that it will become a part of high schools' summer reading lists. I was going to read it for this blog, but the book jacket smelled funny and I put it down.

Fahrenheit 9/11

:::Beats Michael Moore with his own shoes:::

I have nothing against Michael Moore(sly grin), but propaganda like this shit being accepted as fact by so many people, is just disturbing and troubling to me. But at the rate of his bodily expansion, Moore will reach maximum density very shortly and die in a horrific explosion of Big Macs and Diet Coke. I also find it weird that Moore has millions of dollars from the films he puts out against our capitalistic society, and yet he can't get some decent clothes or a real haircut. Of course, money can't buy class when it's all spent on Go-gurt and Pop Tarts.

J-Lo and Marc Anthony

The word in Hollywood is that Jennifer Lopez wants another wedding ceremony with Marc Anthony and she also want the blessing of the Roman Catholic church. As a former Roman Catholic myself, I can tell you that this will most likely not happen for "Jenny from the block". The church almost never recognizes a wedding after someone has been divorced, in J-Lo's case, two divorces. As for the larger ceremony she wants to have in a church, I think the girl just loves to get married, poor sad bitch. Maybe someday she will actually find happiness, but that's probably a couple dozen weddings away.

The DNC

I saw the Democratic National Convention on television this week. My only statement is this: "God help us all."

Wednesday, July 21, 2004

?

What do you want from me? No, I don't want to go out for ice cream now. I'm going home. What? No, I won't tell on you, Carrott Top. Bye bye.



Political Quotes I

"I actually did vote for the $87 billion before I voted against it." - John Kerry, on a military funding bill for U.S. troops in Iraq

 

"I've seen how well things can work out pretty well for a C student." - President Bush, giving the Commencement Address at Louisiana State University

 

And finally...

 

"Now that we're on dog pee, we can have an interesting conversation about that. I do not recommend drinking urine...but if you drink water straight from the river, you have a greater chance of getting an infection than you do if you drink urine." - Howard Dean, teaching an 8th grade science class in La Crosse, Wisconsin





Tuesday, July 20, 2004

Johnny Depp

The following information is true: Johnny Depp receives pubic hair in the mail from fans on a regular basis. There is no joke here, just thought I would let people know this. Please use this information responsibly. Thank you.

Edward Penishands

#1 Did you wash your hands before sitting at the dinner table, Edward? #2 Don't look at me like that, your fingers are getting hard!

#3 Quit licking your hands, Edward! The barbeque sauce came off at least ten minutes ago!

#4 High five!

#5 Low five! Ha ha ha a a ha hmmmm mm m. Good times.

A Sad Situation

I recently found out something tragic was occuring in the life of one of my friends. Apparently, her Father had decided to leave her Mother after 35 years of marriage. I asked her why, after so many years of love and devotion, this bond was being broken. She turned to me with tears in her eyes and said what her Father had said to her Mother only hours earlier, and tried not show the horror in my soul. He said,''The only reason I had sex with you in the first place is because I thought you were a man! When the baby was born, I thought the nice thing to do was stick around! Well, now my job is done!". After his speech, he went out to participate in some homosexuality, as his sexual preference intended. Her Father was gay and her Mother looked like a man. Mother Nature had been doubley cruel in this case. Boo ya!

 







A Poem Archives



Wal-Mart shopper
the bad-high-school-poem blueprint
Apt. I-4
rotten to the core
drive-thru
my video store clerk

UKD Archives

03/25/05 Terri Schiavo

02/12/05 When I Grow up

02/01/05 Michael Jackson

01/28/05 The Beginning (matching hats)

Why?

Why? Why are there no famous Asian singers(William Hung doesn't count), are they really ALL tone deaf?

 

Why? Why do hot dogs come in packs of 10 and hot dog buns come in packs of 8? Who is behind this conspiracy? What is Oscar Meyer hiding?

 

Why? Why do white people love Wayne Brady? He wasn't on the Brady Bunch. He IS black. You just have to get up close to tell.

 

Why? Why do Dentists always have bad breath? Maybe their too close to the problem to see the solution. Take a step back, boys. 

 

Boo ya!

Stories From The Vault Archive

Joel's House ll
Joel's House
What Prison Can Do To A Man
Going to Hell
My brother Mike
Academics
Cumberland, MD
Time travel
Leslie's Animal House
The State Trooper and friends

Silver Surfer soaring the cosmos Posted by Hello

An Observation

Why do I have a hard time making friends? All I want is a person to talk to and hang out with. Someone who isn't scared of duct tape and wire hangers on the stove. Someone who isn't a bitch and won't run straight to the cops if I let them out of their box for a few minutes on Sundays(The Lord's Day). It's complicated these days though. People are so cautious about talking to strangers, you know? I just wish I didn't have to wait behind the SafeWay for someone to take out the garbage for me to get the chance to tie some fat little piggy up to talk to about my beautiful combover(YOU can't tell!). Whatever, I guess I should be thankful for my friends at the local daycare where I work. Just kidding. Boo ya!



100 things about me

1. I was born in Portsmouth, VA

2. I was raised in Cumberland, MD

3. My mother is from Baltimore, MD. My father is from San Juan, Puerto Rico.

4. I have seven siblings: Mike(older half-brother), Ashley(younger half-sister), Josh(younger half-brother), Melissa(younger half-sister), Moriah(younger half-sister), Isabel(younger half-sister)*, Christopher(younger half-brother)*
*=from my father's second marriage

5. I'm left handed

6. When I was a kid I was a 49ers fan, now I don't really have a team.

7. I lived with my mother and spent summers with my dad

8. Led Zeppelin is my favorite band, but I listen to everything

9. I hate licorice

10. Spider-Man was the last movie I saw in theaters more than once

11. Almost all my shoes are Vans or Airwalks

12. I don't wear hats, I'm just not a hat person

13. I love Marvel Universe comic books

14. I've been a big pro wrestling fan since I was a kid

15. I've only been to one Major League Baseball game. It was the Braves/Cardinals during McGwires 61 home run season(he didn't hit one that day)

16. I love the Rocky movies. Rocky Balboa is my all-time favorite film character

17. Cream soda is the greatest drink ever invented

18. I like yellow cake more than chocolate cake. too much chocolate makes me feel sick

19. I enjoy PS2, but I admit to not being very good at most games

20. I've given my older brother stitches on two separate occasions. Once by tripping him, causing him to hit his head on a doorway. Another time, I bashed him over the head with a full-sized Casio keyboard(with the skinny part, right on top of the skull)

21. Raised on welfare until I was 18, and grew up in the poorest neighborhoods in my hometown.

22. My older brother committed armed robbery at 14

23. My younger sister, Ashley, stole and totaled my mothers car, crashing into a row of parked cars, at 15

24. When I was a kid I wore out a copy of Who Framed Roger Rabbit by watching it everyday for a year

25. My favorite ride at Universal Studios is The Mummy

26. Chinese food is my favorite food

27. I was in the Big Brothers Big Sisters program as a kid

28. My mother was adopted by the family that used to babysat her all the time as a child, but her real family stayed in touch. As a result, I have a large extended family.

29. I originally learned how to draw the anatomy of super heroes by using muscle magazines for reference(I had a stack of magazines). My mother thought I might be gay because of them.

30. My dad's family has a large military service background. My dad served in the US Navy for 20 years. My grandpa served in the US Army, and My Uncle was in the US Coast Guard

31. When I was in the fourth grade I almost died from having mono, enlarged liver and spleen, swollen glands in my neck, and a red rash from head-to-toe all at the same time. I was on a steroid IV for almost a month(my family thinks it has something to do with growth spirt afterward)

32. I have a fear of heights

33. Shakespeare In Love is the worst movie of all-time

34. Ramen Noodles are an essential in any home

35. Dave Chappelle, Chris Rock, Mitch Hedberg, Greg Giraldo, Brian Reagen, Dave Attel, Tracey Morgan, Larry The Cable Guy, are all very funny to me

36. I watch Adult Swim on the Cartoon Network almost every night

37. Ive worked as a Video Store Clerk, Vinyl Siding Warehouse/Delivery Driver, Lumber Yard/Forklift Driver, Deli Butcher, Janitor, Ice Cream Scooper, and Land Surveyor

38. My wife hates that I don't shave everyday, but I hate razors and I have sensitive skin

39. I once had my face laid open by a large flat rock hitting me in the left cheek(a friend threw it at me on the way home from school)

40. Also got hit in the face with a hockey puck and was only dazed for a moment(explains a lot, huh?)

41. I shared a room my entire life until I was 21 when I moved out. And I had bunk beds those entire 21 years

42. I hate the dentist and have to be dragged there

43. I met my wife while we were both working at Lowe's

44. I have a hard time not using profanity. I like to spice up sentences with a few Fs here and there, but my wife can't stand it and gets very upset with me.

45. I got my first real bible of my own at my wedding from my older brother. He wrote a poem that's written on the inside of it. He read it to me at my wedding(I almost cried). It's the most cherished possession I own.

46. I used to smoke marijuana all day every day for about three years. I quit when I met my wife. I also quit smoking cigarettes for her too. And doing Nitrous Oxide. The occasional beer is my only vice now. I truly believe my wife saved me.

47. As a youngster I once drank turpentine, and spent some time in the hospital's ICU

48. My favorite subject in school was History

49. Math was the one subject I couldn't stand

50. The first CD I ever owned was Red Hot Chili Pepper's Blood Sugar Sex Magik

51. Once at church I was supposed to walk up and sit on Santa's lap. My fly was open, and I decided not to wear underwear that night. Hmmm.

52. I miss the snow a lot since moving to Florida. I like to go back for the winters

53. Even though my dad is Puerto Rican, I don't speak Spanish. I was raised by my mother who doesn't speak Spanish, and I never picked it up.

54. Toys For Tots once sent me a skirt, and pink sweater for Christmas because they thought I was a girl because of my name, Rene Merced.

55. I love 80s and early 90s action movies. I think the macho over the top style of movie they made back then isn't really around anymore.

56. When someone puts their finger in my belly button it creeps me out. I can't explain it. Stay out of there!

57. I never get my hair cut when I should. I go to the barber shop about every three months.

58. When I was in elementary school I loved 50s doo-wop music. Then In middle school I was into garage rock and punk. High school was all classic rock from the 60s, 70s, and early 80s. Now, its a little bit of everything out there

59. My favorite ice cream is mint chocolate chip, or breyer's vanilla

60. I have brown eyes, black hair, 6' tall, 287 lbs.

61. I once burned off all the skin on my left hand palm by putting it on a hot iron as a kid

62. My mother had a steady rotation of boyfriends when I was growing up, and as a result our house felt like a sitcom with a revolving cast.

63. My older brother left us to live with his father for a few years when he was a young kid. I knew he changed when he came back because the first thing he said was, "My name is Mike. Not Mikey!" Pssh, ok. Jackass.

64. People think me and my sister Ashley have the same dad because we look alike, but her dad is Mexican.

65. My birthday is the beginning of November. I have Halloween, then my Birthday, followed by Thanksgiving, and Christmas. It's my favorite time of the year.

66. I think Miller High Life isn't the Champagne of Beers. I don't think it's even the Champagne of Horse Piss.

67. When I was in high school, Goldeneye was my favorite video game.

68. I had GI Joes, He-Man, Thunder Cats, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, and Silver Hawks action figures growing up.

69. My first girlfriend hit me in the head with a large piece of cinder block the first time we met. I was later told by some of her friends, she did it because she liked me. I was 8 at the time.

70. I once got drunk, staggered all the way across town, vomited on the steps of a cathedral church, and passed out on the steps. I woke up at 5 am on a Sunday, picked up my hat, and left.(I know I said I wasn't a hat person, but I used to wear a 49ers hat all the time)

71. That 70s Show is probably my favorite sitcom right now.

72. I like the Friday the 13th movies, and have most of them on DVD

73. I've been into television shows and movies from all genres and decades since I was a kid. I used to watch nothing but AMC and Nick at Nite(the original line-up) when I was in elementary school.

74. Collossus is my favorite X-Men character.

75. I like most green vegetables like spinach, and broccoli. Corn is my favorite vegetable over-all.

76. I like Kettle Corn popcorn more than regular popcorn. I think the regular stuff is too salty, and buttery.

77. One Christmas morning my mothers boyfriend threw our tree half way out the living room window. Snow was blowing in the house. It was a little depressing that day.

78. I think the Beatles are the most over-rated music group in the history of the modern world. To me, they were just a boy band who wrote good pop songs, but didn't change music in the way guys like Chuck Berry, Elvis, Little Richard, Black Sabbath, Led Zeppelin, or Nirvana did.

79. Once me and my older brother made mud pies and had a mud fight in the front yard. We put our hand prints all over the white house we lived in. Our mother made us strip down to our underwear on the front lawn, and sprayed us with the garden hose in broad daylight. The hand prints never came off the house.

80. I can't dance. I've never wanted to, but if I did. I would suck greatly.

81. I'm very shy around new people. I usually don't talk to someone until I've known them for a few weeks.

82. I've had the same haircut for at least ten years(a short spike with a high fade)

83. Once we lived in a house so rundown, I could lift my feet and I would roll from one side of the kitchen to the other on my Big Wheel without peddling.

84. I have a cousin named Dawn who's a lesbian, but the joke between me and my older brother is calling her Don, and seeing if she notices.

85. I think Lowe's is the worst job I've ever had. I'd rather be a janitor again than work there.

86. Drink beer, walk around the mall, go the billiard hall, bowling alley, or mini-golf course. Smoke weed, drive out in the country, go to a house party. These are the only options for a teenager in my hometown on a Friday night. I suppose you could stay home instead.

87. I've been in at least 7 car wrecks. I was driving in two of them.

88. I don't think people give Sylvester Stallone enough credit. He tries really hard, folks.

89. Julia Roberts shouldn't have an Academy Award. Neither should Halle Berry.

90. My favorite colors are Silver, Grey, Jet Black, and Metallic Blue.

91. I drive a '92 Ford Explorer. It's ready to finally be euthanised.

92. My first car was an '86 Ford Tempo, 5 speed, sunroof, power windows. I had two accidents with it, and it still started everytime I turned the key without even a sputter. I miss that tough little piece of shit.

93. Ninja Scroll, Inu Yasha, Vampire Hunter D: Bloodlust, are my favorite anime movies. I like the action sword fighting ones. I still like Ghost in the Shell, though. And Akira kicks ass.

94. Coke or Pepsi? Umm, Coke please!

95. I have a conservative opinion on most political issues. I have a liberal view on most social issues. I might lean toward the red side, but I respect everyone's own choices and views. I like most democrats I know, but celebrity activists make me sick.

96. Tom Hanks is also over rated.

97. VS. movies and remakes of old movies and shows, are killing the world.

98. I'm very restless, and get obsessed with something for a short-while and then move on to something else. This applies to movies, music I listen to, everything.

99. I don't keep in contact with my family enough.

100. I can't believe I stretched that over 100 items!

UPDATE: March 19, 2005

1. Ric Flair should retire from pro wrestling before he dies in the ring.

2. Every year I hold a Wrestlemania party like most hold Super Bowl parties.

3. I love 80s Pop Music a lot for some reason: Huey Lewis, Cyndi Lauper, New Edition, Eddie Grant, Baltimora, Richard Marx, etc.

4. All my brothers and sisters are white except for my sister Ashley who is Mexican.

5. Arby's sucks.

6. Full Screen DVDs are for retards. (Widescreen TVs are taking over, what are you gonna do with your little square-pictured DVDs?)

7. Dave Coulier, Bob Saget, Ellen Degeneres, and Rosie O'Donnell are abortions of the stand-up comedy world.

8. The Rock is a better action star than Vin Diesel. Rundown beats XXX any day.

9. I hate what has become of Nick at Nite and AMC (why are you playing movies like Species?)

10. I buy way too many "Best of.." CDs.

Norrin Radd

I am here! Wow!