Maybe he knows where Elvis is too!
Saturday, October 30, 2004
Friday, October 29, 2004
MTV, You Suck Rat Asses!
I'm sitting here, my laptop on the coffe table, eating my Lucky Charms in my pajamas(basketball shorts and a t-shirt, don't get scared). Watching some MTV while I'm typing this post. I just noticed something about the Real World. The people on the Real World are total fuckin' mongoloids!
They get to the house, and meet each other. Then they realize they want to fuck each other because they're all shallow and they want to fuck other shallow people. But they all have loved ones back home... but fuck that! Then there's the self-hating gay guy, the stereo-typical flamboyant gay guy, the bitchie girl, and the slut. Oh yeah, and the white bread "I've never met a black or homosexual" country bumpkin guy.
Then they make these alcoholics work with kids! And also, the shallow fuckers get pissed at their boyfriends and girlfriends for not waiting for them, while they suck cocks at the Real World house.
All in all, these people make me sick and I wish the Real World would actually reflect the REAL WORLD! Put some fat people on their, the black british girl doesn't count anymore! Put some ugly bitches on their, who aren't angry or all gothed-out!
Whatever, the show sucks ostrich balls just like the rest of MTV programming.(I realize I have a link to MTV on my blog, but... well, you'll just have to figure it out for yourself!)
And don't interrupt the show with Yoko Ono telling me(without specifically telling me) to vote for John Kerry! That bitch has no talent or soul! P. Diddy too! I don't listen to fake gangstas with mohawks! Or so-called rappers who have parties in the Hamptons with Martha Stewart!
Short and sweet- Everyone at MTV who wants to tell me what to do, BURN IN HELL WITH THE CAST OF "FRIENDS"!
They get to the house, and meet each other. Then they realize they want to fuck each other because they're all shallow and they want to fuck other shallow people. But they all have loved ones back home... but fuck that! Then there's the self-hating gay guy, the stereo-typical flamboyant gay guy, the bitchie girl, and the slut. Oh yeah, and the white bread "I've never met a black or homosexual" country bumpkin guy.
Then they make these alcoholics work with kids! And also, the shallow fuckers get pissed at their boyfriends and girlfriends for not waiting for them, while they suck cocks at the Real World house.
All in all, these people make me sick and I wish the Real World would actually reflect the REAL WORLD! Put some fat people on their, the black british girl doesn't count anymore! Put some ugly bitches on their, who aren't angry or all gothed-out!
Whatever, the show sucks ostrich balls just like the rest of MTV programming.(I realize I have a link to MTV on my blog, but... well, you'll just have to figure it out for yourself!)
And don't interrupt the show with Yoko Ono telling me(without specifically telling me) to vote for John Kerry! That bitch has no talent or soul! P. Diddy too! I don't listen to fake gangstas with mohawks! Or so-called rappers who have parties in the Hamptons with Martha Stewart!
Short and sweet- Everyone at MTV who wants to tell me what to do, BURN IN HELL WITH THE CAST OF "FRIENDS"!
Great Moments In Film
The first "love scene" I ever saw in a film. My eight year old mind was changed forever.
Farnsworth
My butler fell down a flight of stairs a few weeks ago. He spent many months in the hospital and in rehabilitation, after having several vertebrae in his neck fused. He even had to wear a halo to keep from straining his repaired body. To make a long story short, Farnsworth has gotten very, very lazy!
He takes at least ten minutes longer to bring me my breakfast in the morning, up the six flights of stairs form the kitchen to my chambers(I don't allow the help to use the elevator). And asking him to bend down and put on my shoes, gimme a break! He starts to cry about the pain, oh the pain! SHUT THE FUCK UP AND PUT ON MY WING TIPS, YOU PUSSYHAIR! Of course, I sympathized with Farnsworth, but I can't tolerate laziness.
He even has the audacity to lecture me about not hitting him in the neck when I beat him with my whip, for insolence. I'm beginning to believe I have to bring in his children to work in the house instead of on the tractors. But, I still think 5 and 6 years old is too young to do housework. They might just have to keep the thrashers and hay balers running.
He takes at least ten minutes longer to bring me my breakfast in the morning, up the six flights of stairs form the kitchen to my chambers(I don't allow the help to use the elevator). And asking him to bend down and put on my shoes, gimme a break! He starts to cry about the pain, oh the pain! SHUT THE FUCK UP AND PUT ON MY WING TIPS, YOU PUSSYHAIR! Of course, I sympathized with Farnsworth, but I can't tolerate laziness.
He even has the audacity to lecture me about not hitting him in the neck when I beat him with my whip, for insolence. I'm beginning to believe I have to bring in his children to work in the house instead of on the tractors. But, I still think 5 and 6 years old is too young to do housework. They might just have to keep the thrashers and hay balers running.
That Not-So-Fresh Feeling
It finally happened! After 22 years of life on this planet as a man, I finally fully matured. I had my period.
I was at the country club with grandma, playing tennis with Jenny, when it came. I reached down into my white shorts and felt something wet inside my underwear. The club got silent, and everyone froze to watch what I was doing. When I pulled my hand out from my crotch, it was covered in blood! I ran screaming like a banshee across the tennis court toward Jenny. I cryed out,"Why God, Why?," and I rubbed my hand against the side of her face. She swung her racket across the side of my head, knocking me to the ground. My crotch clots were dangling from her cheek.
Grandma was watching from the sidelines, at the courtyard tables with a look of shock and horror in her eyes. I charged at her like a raging bull, with my red palm directly in front of me, screaming at the top of my lungs,"My pee-pee is fuckin' broken!," That's when I saw the .22 pistol come out of grandma's bag.
After I awoke in the hospital, and got over my initial shock, and I came to grips with my new maturity. The Next day, me and grandpa went to the pharmacy together and bought some panty liners.
I had become a man!
I was at the country club with grandma, playing tennis with Jenny, when it came. I reached down into my white shorts and felt something wet inside my underwear. The club got silent, and everyone froze to watch what I was doing. When I pulled my hand out from my crotch, it was covered in blood! I ran screaming like a banshee across the tennis court toward Jenny. I cryed out,"Why God, Why?," and I rubbed my hand against the side of her face. She swung her racket across the side of my head, knocking me to the ground. My crotch clots were dangling from her cheek.
Grandma was watching from the sidelines, at the courtyard tables with a look of shock and horror in her eyes. I charged at her like a raging bull, with my red palm directly in front of me, screaming at the top of my lungs,"My pee-pee is fuckin' broken!," That's when I saw the .22 pistol come out of grandma's bag.
After I awoke in the hospital, and got over my initial shock, and I came to grips with my new maturity. The Next day, me and grandpa went to the pharmacy together and bought some panty liners.
I had become a man!
Ferris Bueller Jerks Off
How (sticky)sweet it is, to be loved by you.
(click to enlarge)
OCTOBER 27--More than a year after actor Jeffrey Jones was convicted of paying a boy to pose for explicit photos, the teenager, now 19, has sued the star of "Ferris Bueller's Day Off" for alleged sexual abuse. In the Los Angeles Superior Court complaint, filed Monday, the alleged victim--whose name we have redacted since he was a minor when he posed for Jones--contends the actor subjected him to "physical and sexual abuse" during 1999-2000. He cites assorted "deviant behavior," all of which allegedly occurred in Jones's Los Angeles home, including naked photo shoots during which Jones directed the boy, then 14, to "play with yourself." Last July, the 58-year-old Jones pleaded no contest to a felony charge stemming from his explicit photo sessions with the boy. Jones was sentenced to five years probation and ordered to register as a sex offender and undergo counseling.
(click to enlarge)
OCTOBER 27--More than a year after actor Jeffrey Jones was convicted of paying a boy to pose for explicit photos, the teenager, now 19, has sued the star of "Ferris Bueller's Day Off" for alleged sexual abuse. In the Los Angeles Superior Court complaint, filed Monday, the alleged victim--whose name we have redacted since he was a minor when he posed for Jones--contends the actor subjected him to "physical and sexual abuse" during 1999-2000. He cites assorted "deviant behavior," all of which allegedly occurred in Jones's Los Angeles home, including naked photo shoots during which Jones directed the boy, then 14, to "play with yourself." Last July, the 58-year-old Jones pleaded no contest to a felony charge stemming from his explicit photo sessions with the boy. Jones was sentenced to five years probation and ordered to register as a sex offender and undergo counseling.
Thursday, October 28, 2004
My Glory Days
That's me in the third row, far right. I learned how to table dance from the best in the business.
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