Star Wars-Episode VII: Attack of the Fanboys

Fans have eagerly awaited the first three "Star Wars" films on DVD, a release Lucas initially intended to delay until he finished "Episode III."



Some will be miffed that the original theatrical versions are not included in the "Star Wars" boxed set, which features only the special-edition versions Lucas issued in the late 1990s, with added effects and footage, including a scene between Harrison Ford's Han Solo and crime lord Jabba the Hutt in the first "Star Wars."



AP: Why did you change your mind and decide to put the original three movies out on DVD now?



Lucas: Just because the market has shifted so dramatically. A lot of people are getting very worried about piracy. That has really eaten dramatically into the sales. It really just came down to, there may not be a market when I wanted to bring it out, which was like, three years from now. So rather than just sit by and watch the whole thing fall apart, better to bring it out early and get it over with.



AP: Why did you rework the original trilogy into the special-edition versions in the late 1990s?



Lucas: To me, the special edition ones are the films I wanted to make. Anybody that makes films knows the film is never finished. It's abandoned or it's ripped out of your hands, and it's thrown into the marketplace, never finished. It's a very rare experience where you find a filmmaker who says, "That's exactly what I wanted. I got everything I needed. I made it just perfect. I'm going to put it out there." And even most artists, most painters, even composers would want to come back and redo their work now. They've got a new perspective on it, they've got more resources, they have better technology, and they can fix or finish the things that were never done. ... I wanted to actually finish the film the way it was meant to be when I was originally doing it. At the beginning, people went, "Don't you like it?" I said, "Well, the film only came out to be 25 or 30 percent of what I wanted it to be." They said, "What are you talking about?" So finally, I stopped saying that, b! ut if you read any interviews for about an eight- or nine-year period there, it was all about how disappointed I was and how unhappy I was and what a dismal experience it was. You know, it's too bad you need to get kind of half a job done and never get to finish it. So this was my chance to finish it.




Fanboy says,"What the FUCK you lookin' at?!"



AP: Why not release both the originals and special editions on DVD?



Lucas: The special edition, that's the one I wanted out there. The other movie, it's on VHS, if anybody wants it. ... I'm not going to spend the, we're talking millions of dollars here, the money and the time to refurbish that, because to me, it doesn't really exist anymore. It's like this is the movie I wanted it to be, and I'm sorry you saw half a completed film and fell in love with it. But I want it to be the way I want it to be. I'm the one who has to take responsibility for it. I'm the one who has to have everybody throw rocks at me all the time, so at least if they're going to throw rocks at me, they're going to throw rocks at me for something I love rather than something I think is not very good, or at least something I think is not finished.



AP: Do you pay much attention to fan reactions to your choices?



Lucas: Not really. The movies are what the movies are. ... The thing about science-fiction fans and "Star Wars" fans is they're very independent-thinking people. They all think outside the box, but they all have very strong ideas about what should happen, and they think it should be their way. Which is fine, except I'm making the movies, so I should have it my way.



AP: After "Episode III," will you ever revisit "Star Wars"?



Lucas: Ultimately, I'm going to probably move it into television and let other people take it. I'm sort of preserving the feature film part for what has happened and never go there again, but I can go off into various offshoots and things. You know, I've got offshoot novels, I've got offshoot comics. So it's very easy to say, "Well, OK, that's that genre, and I'll find a really talented person to take it and create it." Just like the comic books and the novels are somebody else's way of doing it. I don't mind that. Some of it might turn out to be pretty good. If I get the right people involved, it could be interesting.



P.S.

Translation:


George Lucas says, "Fuck YOU, Fanboy!"

Mid-Life Crisis?

Are you a 45 year-old Dentist with a poneytail, and a motorcylce?



Do you have a 22 year-old girlfriend, who is slowly fucking you to DEATH?



Hmm. You might be going through something known as a "Mid-Life Crisis".



Mid-Life Crisis



The effects of women's menopause are well known. Yet men often experience a major transition at mid-life as well. Questioning one's life can be disturbing, leading to major job changes or divorce. But mid-life crisis can also be a time for healthy changes that lead to a fulfilling middle and older age.



Symptoms



During his 40's, if a man or women has been hard-working, the fruits of their labors-a home and family, material possessions-will probably surround them. Then, before anything dramatic happens, small nagging doubts may appear, perhaps followed by a series of dramatic, apparently irrational events leading up to great change. During it all, men and women ask themselves questions such as: Is this all there is? Am I a failure? Symptoms and behaviors during mid-life crisis can range from mild to severe, including:




"I once scored four touchdowns in a single High School football game."



*boredom and exhaustion, or frantic energy



*self-questioning



*daydreaming



*irritability, unexpected anger



*acting on alcohol, drug, food, or other compulsions



*greatly decreased or increased sexual desire



*sexual affairs, especially with someone much younger



*greatly decreased or increased ambition.

(These symptons also apply to the condition I like to call the "Stoner Emotional Rollercoaster")



SilverSurfer9090: Pssh, fuckin' losers!



::25 years later, SilverSurfer9090 shoots himself in an empty bathtub, in his Mother's backyard::

Pee-wee's Playhouse

Hey, folks! Pee-wee Herman is back, and better than ever! Forget what you might have read in the papers, or seen on the internet. Sure, there's been some more charges involving so-called "kiddie porn", but what exactly does that mean anyway, right?

So, today we announce with great excitement, the new joint business venture of Pee-wee Herman, and Marilyn Manson. Pee-wee's Playhouse and Museum of Erotic Art! For years, Pee-wee has claimed that his "kiddie porn" collection is harmless erotic artwork. Now, he can prove it!




"Want to play in my clubhouse? Haw huh ha ha!"



At Pee-wee's Playhouse and Museum of Erotic Art we not only display child pornography for the viewing pleasure of the entire family unit, we also create it! That's right, folks! You get to join the fun, as our staff of costume designers and professional photographers help you create your own "works of art"! Just don't tell the police!

And for the art lover who can't afford that expensive and hard-to-find babysitter, we have Pee-wee's Play Area, where the tots get to play with our very own Pee-wee impersonator. Our Pee-wee wannabe is also skilled in the art of sensual massage, so the children are relaxed and rested when they're returned to their folks!

So, come on down, and rediscover the magic of Pee-wee Herman!



Disclaimer: The magic of Pee-wee Herman is illegal in 13 states, and may not wash out of all fabrics.

Mr. T's School of Charm

Are your children unruly? Do they disrespect their elders, and back talk their teachers? Are they not eating their vegetables, and lying about brushing their teeth? Have you tried everything without success? Well, look no further because the answer is here! Mr. T's School of Charm. Owned and operated by the world renowned Superstar actor, and former nightclub bouncer, Mr. T.


"I pity the fool, who ain't got no class!"



Our facilities are newly renovated on the grounds of Chicago's Sam Slade Gym. Here, your children will be coursed in the finer aspects of manners, and respectful behavior. As well as, physical fitness...the "Mr. T way"! And, as an added bonus, at the completion of your child's six week training regimen, he or she will be treated by a personal visit and motivational lecture from Clubber Lang himself, Mr. T! They'll hear such inspiring verbiage as, "I pity the fool, who don't watch Rocky III!",or "I pity the fool, who doesn't learn which one is the salad fork!", and "Don't be a fool, fool!".

So, if you want to whip that little marshmallow into a well-oiled respect machine, Mr. T's School of Charm, is your Answer.



Disclaimer: Mr. T's School of Charm is in no way responsible for the mental health, physical well-being, or life, of any child. In the result of accidental death, or dismemberment, Mr. T's School of Charm is not liable.

TV Land Outtakes: Gilligan's Island

"Hey, little buddy! Look at the tits on that monkey!"

The California Alternative High School

Can You Name The 53 States? California seeks to stop sleazy high school diploma scam






"What you mean, Puerto Rico ain't a state, man?"





AUGUST 9--California officials are seeking to shutter a chain of private schools that peddles bogus high school diplomas to unwitting students--many of them Latino immigrants--who are taught that there are 53 U.S. states and an "administrative" branch of government. The California Alternative High School, which operated 30 schools statewide, charged students $1450 for a 10-week course based on a bizarre 54-page workbook that apparently was authored by Ali G. State investigators last week seized the school's assets and asked a Superior Court judge to close down the sleazy outfit. Below you will find excerpts from the school's workbook, which included questions about Arthur Miller's "Death of a Traveling Salesman," the study of "Matemathics," and the philosopher "Aristotale."

Feed Me, Seymour!

I'd love to see the guys on CSI try to solve this one!
Remember, kids! There's nothing wrong with "beer goggles", but make sure you use them responsibly!