On the fourth of July, 2007, competitive eater Joey Chestnut won the Nathan's Hot Dog Eating contest, upsetting six-time champion Takeru Kobayashi. In the process, Joey set a new world hot dog eating record with 66 weiners in a mere twelve minutes.
So, after six long years of darkness the mustard yellow belt has finally come back to the United States of America. No longer do we have to hang our heads in shame or listen to the sickening laughter of Europe and Asia in our plump red, white and blue ears.
Why? Because we did it! We did what no one thought could be done. They said we had reached our limit. That we had reached maximum density. We heard the naysayers and the critics and the dieticians and we said SCREW YOU, PAL! We never gave up, we never got on that treadmill of defeat. We never ordered that salad of surrender. We rolled up our sleeves, wiped the thickening gel-like sweat from our brows and reached for that next weiner. The weiner of victory!
Thank you, Joey Chestnut. For restoring our nation's pride in itself. For bringing back the mustard yellow belt. It almost makes me forget about 9/11.
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