Helping Others Help Themselves

My neighbor called my house yesterday morning. She said that she had fallen off a step ladder while she was painting and that she needed help badly. I took a moment to gather my thoughts. As the humanitarian that I am, the suffering of others truly shakes me to the core. So, I told her to call 911 and not to call me when I'm trying to watch my American Gladiators videos. I immediately felt relief after ending my own human suffering by hanging up on her stupid ass. The next day, I found out she bled to death. If only I could have taught her about calling 911 sooner,............... she never would have bothered me! I'll be sure to tell the next neighbor.

Alec Baldwin

A Los Angeles prostitute is releasing a book called, "I Fucked Alec Baldwin In The Ass". The fact that Alec Baldwin likes to be sodomized or that it is the subject of an entire book, I still haven't decided which one is more disturbing. I doubt that it will become a part of high schools' summer reading lists. I was going to read it for this blog, but the book jacket smelled funny and I put it down.

Fahrenheit 9/11

:::Beats Michael Moore with his own shoes:::

I have nothing against Michael Moore(sly grin), but propaganda like this shit being accepted as fact by so many people, is just disturbing and troubling to me. But at the rate of his bodily expansion, Moore will reach maximum density very shortly and die in a horrific explosion of Big Macs and Diet Coke. I also find it weird that Moore has millions of dollars from the films he puts out against our capitalistic society, and yet he can't get some decent clothes or a real haircut. Of course, money can't buy class when it's all spent on Go-gurt and Pop Tarts.

J-Lo and Marc Anthony

The word in Hollywood is that Jennifer Lopez wants another wedding ceremony with Marc Anthony and she also want the blessing of the Roman Catholic church. As a former Roman Catholic myself, I can tell you that this will most likely not happen for "Jenny from the block". The church almost never recognizes a wedding after someone has been divorced, in J-Lo's case, two divorces. As for the larger ceremony she wants to have in a church, I think the girl just loves to get married, poor sad bitch. Maybe someday she will actually find happiness, but that's probably a couple dozen weddings away.

The DNC

I saw the Democratic National Convention on television this week. My only statement is this: "God help us all."

?

What do you want from me? No, I don't want to go out for ice cream now. I'm going home. What? No, I won't tell on you, Carrott Top. Bye bye.

Political Quotes I

"I actually did vote for the $87 billion before I voted against it." - John Kerry, on a military funding bill for U.S. troops in Iraq

 

"I've seen how well things can work out pretty well for a C student." - President Bush, giving the Commencement Address at Louisiana State University

 

And finally...

 

"Now that we're on dog pee, we can have an interesting conversation about that. I do not recommend drinking urine...but if you drink water straight from the river, you have a greater chance of getting an infection than you do if you drink urine." - Howard Dean, teaching an 8th grade science class in La Crosse, Wisconsin